Ties That Tether

by Jane Igharo

We believe a child’s name is their crowning glory. As such, we put a lot of thought into it. But how do I explain this to Isabel without offending her? If she were Nigerian, I wouldn’t have to.

Another eyeroll moment

Whenever he kisses me, no matter how brief, reason eludes me, and I forget I’m kissing lying lips.

Omg girl hes not telling you one thing about his life, that is obviously tramatic for him and hes lying about everything. Hes not completely in the right but you're keeping things from him too

“Azere, I’m not imposing my culture on you.” He edges toward me, a small step. “But we’ll have to learn how to compromise. I’ll learn and adopt some of your culture and you’ll learn and adopt some of mine. For the sake of our child and our relationship, we’ll compromise and make it work.”

See he's not an idiot

I’ve been compromising for thirteen years, rearranging things so I can exist in two different worlds. Now, he wants me to exist in a third—his. I can’t do that. And maybe I’m being unreasonable and even selfish, but I’m terrified—terrified that adopting Rafael’s culture will put me at greater risk of losing my mine. After all, my mother warned me of the possibility.

I really need you to stop listening to your mother

“Yeah. I do. You want me to compromise, but what will happen once I do? Will I adopt some of your culture and lose some of mine? Will I eventually stop eating Edo food? Will I stop speaking my language? Will I eventually forget who I am and where I come from?

No you won't, being Edo is apart of you. That didnt leave when you can to Canada and wont leave just because your in a relationship. This is why you have to talk about things like a difference of culture and what you want to teach your child before hand. You just don't want to talk tho

“Because you’re being ridiculous!” He slams his fist against the dresser, and I flinch. “You’re making irrational decisions and quite frankly, acting insane. And I know you’re upset, so I’m going to stay. I’ll sleep on the couch. Hell, I’ll sleep on the balcony if you want.

At least he knows she's being insane

Maybe I made a mistake. If it hurts this much, maybe it’s the wrong decision. I should go to him, talk to him, fix this. But I quickly recall the reasons why I can’t do that, why I can’t be with Rafael even though his absence is tearing me apart.

Dummy

“Hi, Azere,” Elijah says,

Why the hell does he keep showing up to her workplace so much

She shared it with our mother, but that hasn’t changed the status of our relationship. She’s still shutting me out.

See now your dumb and alone

I don’t think he can, but us together will make my mother happy. She’ll forgive me if we’re together and that means more.

She's such a dumbass

“Do you want to hear my theory?” I watch her intently as if trying to navigate the blueprint of her mind. “I think you only want to be with Elijah because of your parents.” The two people she’s been conditioned to obey. “Azere, for years, you’ve been restricted by them—dictated to by one and haunted by the other. You’ve put their desires ahead of yours. If you keep living like that, you’ll never be happy. You’ll be miserable. All your life.”

“My point is, you want to be with Rafael. But from where I’m standing, there are two reasons why you’re not with him. One, you’re a puppet and your mom’s your master. Two, you believe being with someone outside your ethnicity will make you less of a Nigerian—a notion I believe was somehow planted into your brain by your mother.”

It’s only normal we learn about each other’s culture—I take on some of his, and he takes on some of mine. Doing that doesn’t mean he’s any less of an Italian and I’m any less of a Nigerian. It just means our world expanded, became richer.”

Honestly im really happy that she talked to Christina's parents she really needed this

“What a pleasant surprise.” She pulls back and turns to her brother. “Right, Rafael?” He says nothing—not a word, and his face remains straight.

Lol

“Mom?” She’s in bed with him. My uncle. Their naked bodies are half-exposed, half-hidden by white sheets. She was kissing him when I walked in, unaware of my presence until I spoke. Now, she’s hurriedly pulling sheets over her bare body, covering parts of herself he has no right seeing or touching.

Lol why did i think she already knew this. The way she still lives in his house and how he was a little too casual in ordering her around (and she actually listened to him)

“You know, if you wanted me to marry a Nigerian, you should have left me in Nigeria. I mean, the odds of marrying a Nigerian in Nigeria are incredibly high. And if this country is such a threat to our culture, you shouldn’t have brought me here. But you did.

“You brought me to a country that has a culture of its own, a country that’s also home to people from all around the world, and you’ve expected me to ignore these facts for years.” I groan and ruffle my hair. “Do you have any idea how crazy that is?”

“Rafael?” Color drains from his face. Something’s wrong, and I’m finally aware of what it is—warm, sticky wetness sliding down my thighs and soaking my T-shirt. I look at the spot where I sat. The teal sofa is drenched with blood. “No . . . no.” My knees wobble like they’re about to give out. I sit on the couch again as blood continues to pour out of me.

Oh fuck

After a quick examination, she explained my placenta had partially separated from my uterus; this caused the excessive bleeding. Because the placenta wasn’t obstructing my cervix, a Caesarean section wasn’t required. She broke my water, inducing labor.

I don't even know what this means

“Azere, you scared the hell out of me. I thought I was going to lose you. Both of you.” “Well, she’s here now.” “But you weren’t.” He cups my cheek, and I’m forced to look at him. Tears sparkle in his blue eyes. The trauma of almost losing us still haunts him. “Azere, when I saw you lying there, I thought I lost you.”

Bitch they are too cute 😭

“And I never will.” My village, the people, the traditions, the ancestral stories my father told are woven into every part of me, as deeply rooted as bone marrow.

YES SHE KNOWSSSSSS. WE'VE COME SO FAR 😭😭

irrevocably

There's that word again

Azere describes her Canadian citizenship as a title that is both empowering and demanding because it requires her to give up part of her Nigerian culture so she can fit into her Canadian setting. Do you think many immigrants believe their citizenship is both empowering and demanding? Why or why not?

Yes

Both Azere and Rafael experienced the death of loved ones. How do you think their losses impacted the development of their relationship and how they interacted with each other?

Horribly, but they were able to face these issues and lasting grief together and grow and move on

Azere’s mother was often harsh. Knowing her actions were provoked by fear—fear that her children would lose their culture—do you think they were justified? Why do you think this?

No

What role do you think Azere’s family and friends played in her growth? Who do you think was the most influential character in her development and why?

I would say that Christina played the biggest role in her growth because she brought her to her parents who went through the exact same dilemma that Azere is going through. She needed them to answer her questions and calm ber fears about her family, her relationship, and her culture.

In the novel, Azere’s mother asks: How much more of yourself, of your culture will you lose to accommodate him in your life? Do you think people who marry outside of their ethnicity have to give up part of their culture in order to make their relationship work? Why or why not?

I honestly think and hope people compromise what they give and take from thier culture.