Ghosts & Liars (The Impossible Julian Strande, #2)

by Kathryn Ann Kingsley

People were so quick to dismiss that which they did not want to believe.

I suppose people are often more than what they seem.”

“I always identified with the Alice from the book. She was always wishing her life could be something special, or that she could go where she could be someone important. She leaves the world of expectations and goes somewhere she can be free. I always wanted that.”

The greatest joy in an illusion was the reveal. The punchline. The moment all the setup culminated to create.

You’re mine, Alice. You’ll come to understand this in time. You’ll forgive me. I know you will. You have to. Or I’ll go insane.

“Walking through a door would’ve summed it all up pretty fucking nicely, ass-clown.” She glared at him.

“No…never. Never in a million years.” He reached out again and ran his hand over her hair, edging a little bit closer to her. “I will never hurt you. I love you, Alice. More than anything else in this world. Even more than I love myself, and that’s a trick, I promise you.”

Anger suddenly crashed over her, and she slapped him. Hard. His head rocked to the side. “Ow.” “You son of a bitch!” “You remembered the sexual encounters we’ve had, I take it?” “You cock-sucking, donkey-fucking, giant piece of trash!” She tackled him to the ground, pinning him there, and poised her fist over her head, ready to pound him into a pulp.

Sleep first. Beat the shit out of a dead man later. She could get on board with that plan.

“I’ve never been in love before, Alice. Not until you. I haven’t been interested in a woman since I’ve been dead. I didn’t even think it was possible. And when I was a living man, I…didn’t make time for things like that. One-night stands, fine. Dalliances. But never anything substantial. Never anything that mattered to me.”

He kissed her shoulder. “I don’t expect you to forgive me. Not yet. But please, don’t shut me out. And don’t…make good on your threat. Not until I’ve had a chance to make amends.”

“What threat?” “To leave here. To leave…me.”

“Look at me, Alice.” She didn’t want to. “Please.”

She met those beautiful, dangerous, amazing, mismatched eyes. And she saw so much love in them that it made her ache. So much love, and loneliness, and hope, and hurt.

“You loved it. You were so happy. And, fine, I was being selfish. I loved the attention. You were so deep in the game I created. It was beautiful, watching you unravel me. The way you would light up when you discovered a new clue or found a new lead was stunning. I couldn’t ruin it for you. You deserved to solve it.” He took her hand in his and placed her palm over his heart. It was beating beneath her hand.

His hands rested on her hips, toying with the hem of her hoodie, twisting it in his fingers. He looked down, and his playful expression faded into a serious one. “Let me try, Alice. Let me try. Don’t leave me. I think that would end me.”

“The idea of going on without you for eternity…I don’t know how I could do it. Now that I know what I would be missing…I might snap and go insane. Or I’d resort to burning my house down and letting the void finally take me.”

“Do you care?” He lifted a hand to wipe at his cheeks. He was crying. That hurt her more than it should have.

“Fear has a fine line. There is a palpable barrier to be found between terror that is delightful, and that which is miserable. I crossed that line when I made you believe I was in danger. When I saw you weep, I did too. I couldn’t handle the thought of never seeing you again.”

Anything if it meant she wouldn’t leave him. She couldn’t ever leave him. He’d see to that.

“I’ll wait to ask you to move in.” He paused. “Want to move in? Loki will love it up there.”

“I love you, Alice. I really do. And I don’t know how to make up for what I did, but…I hope I will.” He shut his mismatched eyes. “I’m not a good man. I never have been. I do terrible things. I don’t know if my love is enough for you.”

“Tell me you love me, Alice. Tell me the truth.”

“If you love me, say it.”

If he could fall to his knees and worship the creature before him, he would do it in a second. “I love you, Alice.”

“Stop what?” He lowered one eyebrow quizzically. “Looking at me like that.” “Like what?” “Like I’m your whole world.” “But…you are.”

“I’ve lived too long. I’ve been alone for so long. I’m not going to turn away from happiness only because it’s fleeting. I’ll take what I can get. And I’m happy with you.” He paused and lowered his head, his mismatched eyes still on her. “Are you happy with me?”

“Julian?” “Hm?” “I love you.” Something sparkled in his eyes again, and she realized he was tearing up. She furrowed her brow in concern. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Everything is great.” He shook his head and wiped his eyes with a sleeve. “I never pictured myself for a crier. I never really did my whole life. I suppose now I have something worth all the emotion.”

“Move into the fourth-floor apartment with me.” He paused. “Please?”

“Please move in with me, Alice. You can say no. But I’m going to keep asking.”

“I could think of nothing that would make me happier. Loki can even smash a few glass candlesticks by shoving them off the mantel if he wants. Alice, I love you. Want you to be with me for as long as possible, as much as possible.”

“I could have forgiven him for dancing with you. I could never forgive him for stealing a kiss from you. They belong to me.”

“You are the most important thing in the world.” He lifted his head from hers. There was something fragile and raw in his eyes. Exposed. He was desperate. It was as though he were watching his whole world burn down around him.

For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. Aren’t those the words? See me at my worst, my Alice. My beloved. See what I hold in my soul, and if you have to look away…then there is no hope for me after all.

Whoever said it was better to have loved and lost was a goddamn piece of donkey shit.

He could have lived a hundred thousand years without ever caring for anyone. He could have been exactly as he was—blissfully ignorant of what he was missing, bored, and alone. But then she came into his world. Then she entered, and he knew what love was. He had thought it a myth or a fairytale all through his life and well into the after. But then she came. And ruined it all.

Or fixed it. He wasn’t quite sure. This felt like death all over again. He had never cried as much as he had cried over her. Not since his father had beaten him half to death when he was a child.

Trust. What a stupid thing. Trust was only the way to get hurt. That was why animal cruelty was such a sin against nature. Nothing trusted quite like an animal. Julian had murdered more than one person he had caught kicking a stray dog or cat.

He crawled in beside her, feeling like a cuckoo in the nest, an unwelcome and venomous snake, but he couldn’t help it. He needed her. He needed to feel her against him, and to know she was still alive and, for the moment, still with him.

There was no taunting smile, no teasing, no goading over his clear victory over her. She saw only love and desire there. “I need you, Alice. I need you more than you can ever know.”