In a Holidaze

by Christina Lauren

“I mean, you’re a people-pleaser,” he says, studying me, “but this goes above and beyond.” “I didn’t do it to make anyone happy!” I pause, considering. “I don’t think.”

I’m cold from the inside out.

He crawls over, eyes glimmering as they meet mine. I want to capture this moment. I want to put it in a snow globe and be able to see it just like this, forever.

I don’t have to look to know exactly where I am, and I honestly have no more shits to give. “I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON,” I shout to the plane around me.

“I promise you,” he whispers, “my goal for our first kiss was not ‘fine.’ ” “Okay, well,” I say, heart shoving itself up into my throat. “Try again.”

I’d smile back, but keeping my face from crumpling is currently requiring all my focus.

Maybe I haven’t finished thoroughly ruining everything yet, and the universe is waiting for me to really go all in. I pick up my wineglass, full almost to the brim. I’m sure I won’t disappoint.

I’ve spent years not trusting my ability to make decisions and quietly letting life just happen to me.

The only person whose expectations you have to live up to is yourself.

All this time I’ve been upset with him for simply being exactly the person I always knew he was.

“There’s something so intimate about sharing things out loud you could never say to another person,” I say. “Letting someone really see you—minus the filters.