Here the Whole Time

by Vitor Martins

It’s hard to have cool clothes when you’re a size XXL.

My apartment building is close to school. It’s only a fifteen-minute walk, and I like to do it every day so I’ll have something to say when my doctor asks if I exercise regularly.

The only problem is all the sweating. After my obvious self-esteem issues and my absolutely lovely classmates, I think sweat is the thing I hate the most in life.

I didn’t quite understand what I felt, exactly, but I know that when I was twelve, I started wearing a shirt whenever I went to the pool. And after I turned thirteen, I never set foot in the pool again.

I can’t quite explain it, but the time I spend on the internet somehow feels less like a waste when I’m learning something new.

When I was a kid, the ceiling in my room was full of glow-in-the-dark stars. At some point in my teenage years, I thought I was too big to have stickers on the ceiling and ripped them all off, but today I regret it. I want my stars back.

It’s done. The word is out. The same way things changed when Caio said, “I’m gay,” things change when I say, “I’m fat.” Because fat is the kind of word people try to hide, no matter the cost. Everyone says “chubby” or “big boned,” but never “FAT.” Fat is a word you can never take back. When you declare something, even if it’s obvious to everyone already, it becomes real.

I feel apprehensive right away, because every time I find cool clothes, I have to deal with the immediate disappointment of not finding them in my size.

I find it amazing how therapy always makes the most obvious things seem like the discovery of the century.

I feel beautiful.

15. I like the pool. For a long time, I pretended I didn’t, because I was ashamed of my body. But tonight, floating next to Caio and looking up at the moon above us, I understand what makes me happy when I’m in the water. When I’m here, I feel weightless.