Dirty Letters

by Vi Keeland

“Sometimes at night when I’m bored, I put on makeup and get dressed up for no reason.” “I would say that’s odd, but I spend half my life having one-sided philosophical conversations with birds.” “Yeah. You really can’t talk, Doc.”

Dear Luca, Bacon and porn go awesomely together, by the way. In my next life, I want to come back as a pig and be adopted by you. Is that weird?

“Mirada? Mirada! I couldn’t come up with anything better than the brand name of the RV we’re driving?” “That was an interesting choice.” Doc chuckled.

“Yeah. Just some last-minute panic trying to creep in.” He wrapped his hands around my waist and spoke close to my mouth. “Ah. Well, I just so happen to have the cure for last-minute panic.” “Yeah? What is it?” “I’ve heard that sitting on your lover’s face takes care of it.” My mouth hung open. “Oh really . . .” “Yes. It’s called CBFS, actually.” “CBFS?” “Cognitive behavioral face-sitting.”

“Just say it, Luca.” She looked down again. This time for a solid minute before looking back up at me. A fat tear rolled down her cheek. “Sometimes when love isn’t enough to make things right, we need to let it go.” I looked back and forth between her eyes. “Are you finished?” She looked confused but nodded. “Fine. Then it’s my turn to speak.” “Okay . . .” “I only have one thing to say, but I want to make sure you hear it loud and clear, Luca.” She looked at me and waited. I leaned in close so that our noses were touching and spoke directly into her eyes with one stern word. “No.”

“We all have light and dark inside us, love. We try to hide the darkness from others because we’re afraid it will scare them away. But your dark doesn’t scare me, Luca. It only makes me want to hold your hand and be your light until you can find your own again. That’s what people do when they’re in love. I won’t always be able to give you your light back, because sometimes you need to find that within yourself, but I’ll stand by your side and hold your hand in the dark so things aren’t so scary.”

“In case I wasn’t clear, love is enough for me, Luca. But you have to let me love you.”

“Wait a second . . . you’re not considering breaking up with him?” When I didn’t say anything, she drew her own conclusion. “Luca . . . that boy loves you. He loves you. You can’t do this to me.” To her? Was I hearing her correctly? “To you?”

walked me down the aisle, you know.” I wiped my eyes. “I’m sorry I never got to say goodbye to you. But I know you’re here with me still. When I’m scared, I still hear your voice cheering me on. I carry you everywhere. Because of you I am, Chester Maxwell.”