Dirty Letters

by Vi Keeland

My mum used to say I hold grudges. But I prefer to think of it as I remember the facts.

The only good thing to come out of being an antisocial recluse was that it afforded me endless hours of solitude to write. My very first self-published novel ended up going viral a couple of years ago, and before I knew it, I had penned three bestselling thrillers under the pen name of Ryan Griffin and landed a deal with a major publishing house.

“Yes. Ryan was the last name I used in my letters to him—it was my teacher’s last name. And the Griffin comes from that Griffin.”

It’s kind of a cool word. Wonder how many points that gets you in Scrabble? The B, P, H, and C are each worth at least three. But wait . . . I don’t want you to think I’m a weirdo and sit around and play Scrabble all the time. Then again, you wouldn’t think that’s weird—you memorize the damn dictionary.

You’ve permanently eliminated almost everything from that time of your life—leaving New York, not listening to music, crowds, gatherings, sadly even your parents have passed.

“Oh. Yes. Acceptance. The more people you open up to about your condition, the less you’ll fear the reactions of others and the better your support system.”

“I guess . . .” “Plus, then there’s the coitus.” I assumed I’d heard him wrong. “The what?” “Coitus—you know, the unison of the male and female genitalia. It’s been a while since you’ve been with a man.”

That’s not like you. You tend to be a bit more guarded than that.” “Not with him. I think it’s a selfish need to let him know that I’m not unattractive—or at least I don’t think I am. I guess I kind of want him to want me.

Dear Luca, Bacon and porn go awesomely together, by the way.

The times we feel more distanced from God are the times when we’re suffering or in pain. Despite the lack of strength during those times, God makes us work our way back to Him again. Then He rewards us for our faith and perseverance.

Anyway, that cheater you dated in high school wasn’t worthy. I love that I can admit my jealousy to you now. Or maybe I just think I can, but in reality I’m making you uncomfortable and you’re currently installing an ADP security system at your house.

P.P.P.S. Spring for the alarm system with the video camera.

have a nice collection of vibrators—the LELO INA Wave rabbit being my favorite. It gives dual internal and external stimulation.

That night I had my first orgasm ever—one hand holding your photo up to look at and the other pressing Mee-Mee against my body. So basically you were a big part of my first orgasm.

For Dummies porn series? Blowjobs for Dummies cost me $29.99 for the fifteen-minute video. But I’ve been told it was a very good investment.

P.S. You know what to do with these. Think of me while you’re doing it. P.P.S. Are you a screamer? A moaner? Ever done it in public?

MARCHESE MUSIC 12 VIA CERRITOS PALOS VERDES ESTATES, CA 00274 Wow. That must be where Griffin works. Marchese Music.

“Progress takes time, Luca. Don’t feel down. You might not be where you want to be, but you’re also not where you were yesterday. Each day is a baby step. You just keep looking forward and taking them, and I promise one day you’re going to look back and be surprised how far those tiny little steps have taken you.”

And yes, I’m serious when I said I burned three of them out already. (Whoops.) I thought of you every second, by the way. ;-)

Dear Luca, If this letter arrives a little later than the others . . . it’s because I’ve been locked in my room for days wanking off to thoughts of this little porn video you’d like to send me.

Money and things don’t buy happiness—a beautiful heart is far more valuable than anything that can be bought.”

Money impresses the lazy girls. Smart girls are rich when they have something they can’t buy.”

Griffin IS Cole Archer? Cole Archer IS Griffin? Griffin is . . . a superstar? MY Griffin?

“Oh my. Are you thinking this explains why he didn’t want you to know his identity?”

She’d come all the way out here, despite her agoraphobia. That really spoke volumes about how much she needed to find out the truth.

“Because I had a crush on the boy who wrote me letters all those years ago, but I started to fall for the sweet man who seemed to like me for who I am—broken or not—and I needed to see if maybe we could have a chance if we met in person finally.”

“I liked you for you. I was willing to accept whatever your situation was. But don’t get me wrong. The fact that you look”—I waved my hand at his face—“like this . . . is a very nice surprise.”

That hurt my heart. Griffin’s dad was the only immediate family he had left after his mother died. I could relate to how awful it felt to be an only child and have almost no one. It must be a different kind of pain, though, to have your parent betray you.

“Can you put all of the reasons we’re wrong for each other on hold for one night and just be with me? Because while you’re worrying about the future, I can’t stop thinking about how damn lucky I am that my dream girl drove all the way across the country to see me—the real me. I’m on a high right now that you can’t even imagine, Luca. And while you’re sitting here trying to convince me that it could never work between us, all I can think about is whether you taste as good as you fucking make me feel.”

It was a miracle to not hit traffic on the way to the studio. Seriously, a fucking miracle. The gods were definitely watching over me today, because in the years since I’d moved to LA, I’d never seen fewer cars than I did on the drive this morning.

I loved how his lust made him grow rougher. His bound hands guided my head down farther and then tugged to make me rise again. I’d started this, but he was definitely taking over control.

He’d taken me with every ounce of energy he had left in him, playing my body like an instrument—fucking me like the rock star he was.

I didn’t want to go one single day. Plus, I really loved her lifestyle. Even the two-in-the-morning supermarket run felt more normal to me than anything had felt in years. I could see myself raking the leaves out front in the fall, shoveling the snow in the winter, and taking long walks in the spring with Luca by my side. Even though I had all the money I’d ever dreamed of, it always felt like something was missing.

“You look like you’re thinking something dirty.” I smiled. “How could I not be? You’re sitting at the table with no knickers or bra on. And fuck, I’m getting a hard-on watching you sink your teeth into that chicken leg. Sitophilia—I looked it up while you were feasting on my potatoes. I never knew I had a food fetish.”

What comes easy won’t last long, and what lasts long won’t come easy.”

If you stay in the present moment and not go where your mind is trying to lead you, then you will always be safe. There is safety in the now. Right now, you are in your bedroom talking to me. And that is all there really is. Your worries stem from past experiences and fear of the future. Neither the past nor the future is real. Only the present exists.

I’d proven just the opposite, that I could hardly take her anywhere without something bad happening. I didn’t want to lose the woman I loved, but at what cost? Making her life miserable just so I could selfishly have her by my side?

As she continued to shake in my arms, the harsh reality of the situation was really starting to hit me, the truth I didn’t want to accept: that we might not be able to make it.

“What are you saying no to?” “Everything. You dumping me.

“We all have light and dark inside us, love. We try to hide the darkness from others because we’re afraid it will scare them away. But your dark doesn’t scare me, Luca. It only makes me want to hold your hand and be your light until you can find your own again. That’s what people do when they’re in love. I won’t always be able to give you your light back, because sometimes you need to find that within yourself, but I’ll stand by your side and hold your hand in the dark so things aren’t so scary.”

Be back later. I emptied your suitcase and did your laundry so you can pack for your flight. -Luca At least she’d left out what she’d really been thinking: Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on your way out.

“Well, those are choices that a couple makes together. They have one big pool of responsibilities, and they’re divvying them up—one person doing the job of child-rearing and the other of supporting the family financially. But in my case—no one gets to make a choice because I’m so screwed up.”

“You’re wrong, Luca. Someone is making a choice about this relationship and how it will work—and that’s you. You’re not giving Griffin any choices at all.”

“In case I wasn’t clear, love is enough for me, Luca. But you have to let me love you.”

Griffin: Hey, beautiful. I just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you today. I’m going to give you a little breathing space, rather than call and text a million times and add stress to everything you’re going through. I’m here if you need me, and I have faith in what we have. Take care of yourself, baby.

More anger was slowly creeping in. I was so disappointed at life—at her. At everything. “Why don’t we just take it one day at a time. I haven’t even begun to process this. But I heard you loud and clear, Luca. Okay? I heard you loud and clear.”

“I’d wait forever for her if I really felt she’d come around. Right now? I’m too shattered to believe that. Because I never thought she’d actually let me go, Doc. If I’m honest . . . I’m fucking floored.”

“Our fears are temporary—they come and go throughout life. But regret is permanent—we carry it with us forever.

“What do you call a twenty-five-year-old British rock star who meets the girl of his dreams through a letter in second grade and drives to her house after she dumps him?” I laughed. “I don’t know. Impetuous?” Griff took both my cheeks into his hands. “Home. You call him finally home.”

“I never noticed this. Look at the date, Luca. Holy shit. Look at the date!” It was today’s date—exactly twenty years ago.