The Eternity Code (Artemis Fowl, #3)

by Eoin Colfer

A waitress wandered over, smiling a dazzling smile. “Hello there, young man. Would you like to see the children’s menu?” A vein pulsed in Artemis’s temple. “No, mademoiselle, I would not like to see the children’s menu. I have no doubt that the children’s menu itself tastes better than the meals on it. I would like to order à la carte. Or don’t you serve fish to minors?”

At his shoulder, Arno Blunt continued staring at Butler. The Fowl bodyguard blinked freely. In the event of confrontation, dry eyeballs would only lessen his advantage. Staring matches were for amateurs.

A large part of Artemis wanted to drape his arms across the bodyguard’s frame, and cry as he would for a brother. But Artemis repressed that instinct. Now was the time for quick thinking. Butler interrupted his train of thought. “Artemis…is that you?” he said, the words coming in short gasps. “Yes, it’s me,” answered Artemis, his voice trembling. “Don’t worry. Juliet will protect you. You’ll be fine.” “Don’t talk, Butler. Lie still. The wound is not serious.” Butler spluttered. It was as close as he could get to a laugh. “Very well, it is serious. But I will think of something. Just stay still.” With his last vestige of strength, Butler raised a hand. “Good-bye, Artemis,” he said. “My friend.” Artemis caught the hand. The tears were streaming now. Unchecked. “Good-bye, Butler.” The bodyguard’s sightless eyes were calm. “Artemis, call me Domovoi.” The name told Artemis two things. First, his lifelong ally had been named for a Slavic guardian spirit. Second, graduates of the Madam Ko school were instructed never to reveal their first names to their Principals. It helped to keep things clinical. Butler would never have broken this rule…unless it no longer mattered. “Good-bye, Domovoi,” sobbed the boy. “Good-bye, my friend.”

Holly badged her way through the customs line, taking a security elevator to the surface. Stonehenge had become easier to exit recently, because the Mud Men had put up fencing. The humans were protecting their heritage, or so they thought. Strange that Mud Men seemed more concerned about the past than the present.

“Arty,” he cried, stretching his arms toward me. “You’re a man now. A young man.” I ran into his embrace, and while he held me close all plots and schemes were forgotten. I had a father again.

“Oh, no,” sighed Holly. “What happened?” “He stopped a bullet that was meant for me,” replied Artemis. “When are you going to learn, Mud Boy?” snapped the fairy. “Your little schemes have a tendency to get people hurt. Usually the people who care about you.” Artemis didn’t answer. The truth was the truth after all.

Holly unclipped her helmet camera, suspending it from the cryo pod’s lid to give Foaly a better view of the patient. “How’s that?” “Good,” replied Foaly. “I can see the whole upper body. Cryogenics. That Fowl is a genius, for a human. Do you realize that he had less than a minute to come up with this plan? That’s one smart Mud Boy.” Holly scrubbed her hands thoroughly in the medi-sink. “Not smart enough to keep himself out of trouble.

Holly dropped her head into her hands. “So, any moment now a team of hit men could come blasting in here, looking for the key to your eternity code. It’s at times like these, we could do with someone like Butler.” Artemis plucked the wall phone from its cradle. “There’s more than one Butler in the family,” he said.

A young woman in acolyte’s robes emerged from the alley, holding a small briefcase. “Madam,” she said, bowing. “There is a call for you on the satellite phone.” Madam Ko took the offered handset, listening intently for several moments. “A message from Artemis Fowl,” she said eventually. Juliet itched to straighten from her bow, but it would be an unforgivable breach of protocol. “Yes, Madam?” “The message is: Domovoi needs you.” Juliet frowned. “You mean, Butler needs me.” “No,” said Madam Ko without a trace of emotion. “I mean Domovoi needs you. I am just repeating what was told to me.” And suddenly Juliet could feel the sun pounding on her neck, and she could hear the mosquitoes whining in her ear like dentists’ drills, and all she wanted to do was straighten up and run all the way to the airport. Butler would never have revealed his name to Artemis. Not unless…No, she couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t even allow herself to think it.

“I’m sorry, Miss Frazetti. It’s just the short thing. I’ve been listening to it my whole life.” “What do you want people to call you? Lofty? You’re short, Loafers. Get over it. That’s what gives you your edge. My godfather always says; there’s nothing more dangerous than a short guy with something to prove. That’s why you’ve got a job.”

Mulch quickly discovered that Mud Men could find a reason to distrust almost anyone. Height, weight, skin color, religion. It was almost safer to be different in some way.

Mulch took the photo. What he saw on the paper hit him like a gas attack. It was Fowl Manor. Therefore, Artemis was the target. This little psychopath metal man was being sent to kidnap Artemis. Frazetti sensed his discomfort. “Something wrong, Mo?” Don’t let it show on your face, thought Mulch. Don’t let them see. “No. It’s…eh…that’s quite a setup. I can see alarm boxes and outdoor spots. It’s not going to be easy.” “If it was easy, I’d do it myself,” said Carla. Loafers took a step forward, looking down at Mulch. “What’s the matter, little man? Too tough for you?” Mulch was forced to think on his feet. If Carla Frazetti thought he wasn’t up to the job, then they would send somebody else. Somebody with no qualms about leading the Mob to Artemis’s door. Mulch was surprised to realize that he couldn’t let that happen. The Irish boy had saved his life during the goblin rebellion, and was the closest thing he had to a friend. Which was pretty pathetic when you thought about it. He had to take the job, if only to make sure that it didn’t go according to plan.

Mulch watched them go. This was his last chance to duck out. He could chew through the bedroom foundations, and be on a southbound train before Carla Frazetti knew he was gone. Mulch thought about it seriously. This kind of thing was totally against his nature. It wasn’t that the dwarf was a bad fairy, it was simply that he wasn’t accustomed to helping other people. Not unless there was something in it for him. Deciding to help Artemis Fowl was a completely selfless act. Mulch shuddered. A conscience was the last thing he needed right now. Next thing you knew, he’d be selling cookies for the Girl Scouts.

Loafers felt a shadow fall across his back. He spun around to see a girl standing in the doorway. Another witness. Carla Frazetti would be getting the bill for all these sundries. This whole job had been misrepresented from the start. “Okay, miss,” said Loafers. “Go join the others. And don’t do anything stupid.” The girl at the door flicked her hair over one shoulder, blinking glittering green eyelids. “I don’t do stupid things,” she said. Then her hand flicked out, brushing against Loafer’s weapon. She grabbed the pistol’s slide and deftly twisted it from the stock. The gun was now completely useless, except for hammering nails. Loafers jerked backward. “Hey, hey. Watch it. I don’t want to wound you by accident. This gun could go off.” That’s what he thought. Loafers continued brandishing his piece of harmless metal. “Back off, little girl, I won’t say it again.” Juliet dangled the slide under his nose. “Or what? You’ll shoot me with this?” Loafers stared cross-eyed at the piece of metal. “Hey, that looks just like—” Then Juliet hit him in the chest so hard he crashed through the breakfast bar. Mulch stared over at the unconscious mobster, then at the girl in the doorway. “Hey, Butler. Just a shot in the dark here, but I’d say that’s your sister.”

On the third day of his consciousness, I fell asleep on the hospital bed, while my father did his walking exercises. I woke to find him regarding me thoughtfully. “Shall I tell you something, Arty?” he said. I nodded, unsure what to expect. “While I was a prisoner, I thought about my life, how I had wasted it gathering riches whatever the cost to my family and others around me. In a man’s life, he gets few chances to make a difference. To do the right thing. To be a hero, if you will. I intend to become involved in that struggle.” This was not the kind of wisdom I was accustomed to hearing from my father. Was this his natural personality, or the fairy magic? Or a combination of both? “I never got involved before. I always thought the world could not be changed.” Father’s gaze was intense, burning with new passion. “But things are different now. My priorities are different. I intend to seize the day. Be the hero that every father should be.” He sat on the bed beside me. “And what about you, Arty? Will you make the journey with me? When the moment comes, will you take your chance to be a hero?” I couldn’t respond. I did not know the answer. I still do not.

Jon Spiro sat in his opulent office, staring glumly at the C Cube on his desk. People thought it was easy being him. How little they knew. The more money you had, the more pressure you were under. He had eight hundred employees in this building alone, all relying on him for a paycheck. They wanted yearly salary reviews, medical plans, daycare centers, regular coffee breaks, double pay for overtime, and even stock options, for heaven’s sake. Sometimes, Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker would be thrown out a high window and that was the end of him. These days, if you threw someone out of a window, they’d phone their lawyer on the way down.

Butler touched Artemis’s shoulder. “Are you going to be all right?” Artemis shrugged. “I honestly don’t know. Without you by my side, I feel as though one of my limbs is missing.”

Artemis pinched the bridge of his nose. “You’re right, of course. I am the mastermind here. Thinking is my responsibility, not yours.” Holly squinted suspiciously. “Was that an insult, Mud Boy?” Mulch spat the chicken bone into a nearby bin. “I have to tell you, Arty, a screwup this early in the proceedings doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence. I hope you’re as clever as you keep telling everyone you are.” “I never tell anybody exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared. Very well, we will have to risk the hazel iris-cam. With any luck, Spiro might not notice. If he does, I can invent some excuse.” Holly placed the camera on the tip of her finger, sliding the lens under Artemis’s lid. “It’s your decision, Artemis,” she said. “I just hope you haven’t met your match in Jon Spiro.”

“Where’s the pilot?” growled Blunt, living up to his name. “Master Artemis flies the plane,” replied Juliet. “He’s been flying it since he was eleven years old.” “Oh really? Is that legal?” Juliet put on her best innocent face. “I don’t know about legal, sir. I just serve the drinks.”

Pex leaned over the grave’s lip. “What do you mean drivel?” “I mean that whole ‘Chips Pex’ thing.” Pex shook his head. “No, I mean what does the word drivel mean?” Mulch was delighted to explain. “It means rubbish, garbage, claptrap, twaddle, baloney. Is that clear enough for you?” Chips recognized the last one. “Baloney? Hey, that’s an insult! Are you insulting us, little man?” Mulch clasped his hands in mock prayer. “Finally, a breakthrough!”

“I don’t care what the boss says, you’re not going to be useful forever, so if I were you, I’d be very nice to me.” “If you were me,” responded Artemis, “then I’d be you. And if I were you, then I’d hide somewhere far away.” “Oh, really. And why would you do that?” Artemis looked him in the eyes, so Blunt could see the truth there. “Because Butler is coming for you. And he’s extremely annoyed.” Blunt backed off a few steps. “No way, kid. I saw him go down. I saw the blood.” Artemis grinned. “I didn’t say he was alive, I just said he was coming.”

Artemis was well aware of his talents. He was a plotter, a schemer, a planner of dastardly deeds. There was no thrill greater than the execution of a perfect plan. But lately his victories had been tainted by guilt, especially over what had happened to Butler. His old friend had been so close to death that it made Artemis queasy just to think about it.

Holly smiled. Juliet was a piece of work. A chip off the Butler block. But she was a wild card, even on stakeout she couldn’t stop chattering for more than ten seconds. None of her brother’s discipline. She was a happy teenager. A kid. Artemis had no business dragging her into his crazy schemes. But there was something about the Irish boy that made you forget your reservations. In the past sixteen months, she had fought a troll for him, healed his entire family, and dived into the Arctic Ocean. Now she was preparing to disobey a direct order from Commander Root.

“So why the call?” asked Foaly. “Feeling a bit homesick, are you?” “No,” replied Holly. And it was true. She wasn’t. The elf captain had barely thought of Haven since Artemis had embroiled her in his latest intrigue. “I need your advice.” “Advice? Oh really? That wouldn’t be another way of asking for help now would it? I believe Commander Root’s words were, ‘You got what you got.’ Rules are rules, Holly.” Holly sighed. “Yes, Foaly. Rules are rules. Julius knows best.” “That’s right. Julius knows best,” said Foaly, but he didn’t sound convinced. “You probably couldn’t help anyway. Spiro’s security is pretty advanced.” Foaly snorted, and a centaur snorting is something to hear. “Yeah, sure. What has he got? A couple of tin cans and a dog? Ooh, scary.” “I wish. There’s stuff in this building that I’ve never seen before. Smart stuff.” A small liquid crystal screen flickered into life in the corner of Holly’s visor. Foaly was broadcasting a visual from Police Plaza. Technically, not something he should be doing for an unofficial operation. The centaur was curious. “I know what you’re doing by the way,” said Foaly, wagging a finger. “I have no idea what you mean,” said Holly innocently. “You probably couldn’t help anyway. Spiro’s security is pretty advanced,” mimicked the centaur. “You’re trying to light a fire under my ego. I’m not stupid, Holly.” “Okay. Maybe I am.

“Will you miss him, Holly?” he asked suddenly. Holly was caught off guard by the question. “Miss who?” she said, though she already knew. “The Fowl boy, of course. If everything goes according to plan, we’ll be wiped from his memory. No more wild plots, or seat-of-the-pants adventures. It will be a quiet life.” Holly avoided Foaly’s gaze, even though the centaur could not see her. “No,” she said. “I will not miss him.” But her eyes told the real story.

Holly sent a solitary spark down her finger. It wiped away the bruise like damp cloth cleaning a coffee ring. “You could have used the Neutrino to stun them, you know.” “The Neutrino? Where’s the fun in that?” Captain Short removed her helmet, glaring up at the teenage human. “This is not supposed to be fun, Juliet. It’s not a game. I thought you realized that, considering what happened to Butler.” Juliet’s grin disappeared. “I know it’s not a game, Captain. Maybe this is the way I deal with things.” Holly held her gaze. “Well then, maybe you’re in the wrong line of work.” “Or maybe you’ve been in this line of work too long,” argued Juliet. “According to Butler, you used to be a bit of a wild card yourself.”

“Team one goes after the security and switches the vault guards’ oxygen canisters. Team two goes after the box. Simple. We go in pairs. You and Mulch. Artemis and me.” “Oh no,” said Juliet, shaking her head. “I have to go with Artemis. He’s my Principal. My brother would stick to Artemis like glue, and so will I.” Holly stepped out of the hologram. “Won’t work. You can’t fly and you can’t climb walls. There has to be one fairy per team. If you don’t like it, take it up with Artemis next time you see him.” Juliet scowled. It made sense. Of course it did. Artemis’s plans always made sense. It was only too clear now why Artemis had not revealed the entire plan in Ireland. He knew she would object. It was bad enough being separated for the past six hours. But the most difficult phase of the mission lay ahead, and Artemis would not have a Butler at his shoulder.

She noticed that Mulch was unbuttoning his bum flap. “Oh, great. Now the little man needs a potty break. This is hardly the time.” “I’m going to ignore your sarcasm,” said Mulch, lying flat on the floor. “Because I know what Spiro can do to people he doesn’t like.” Juliet knelt beside him. Not too close. “I hope your next sentence is going to begin with, ‘I have a plan.’” The dwarf appeared to be aiming his rear end. “Actually…” “You’re not serious.” “Deadly. I have quite a considerable force at my disposal here.” Juliet couldn’t help smiling. The little guy was a dwarf after her own heart. Metaphorically. He was adapting to the situation, just as she would. “All we have to do is swing the camera about twenty degrees on its stand, and we have a clear run to the cable.” “And you’re going to do that with…wind power?” “Precisely.” “What about the noise?” Mulch winked. “Silent but deadly. I’m a professional.

Juliet took the video clip from her pocket, waving it in front of her visor, so Foaly could see it. “So, I just wind this around any old cable? Is that it?” “No, Mud Maid,” sighed Foaly, comfortable in his familiar role as unappreciated genius. “That is a complex piece of nanotechnology, complete with micro filaments that act as receivers, broadcasters, and clamps. Naturally, it leeches its power from the Mud Men’s own system.” “Naturally,” said Mulch, trying to keep his eyes open. “You need to ensure that it is firmly clamped to one of the video cables. Luckily its multi-sensor does not have to be in contact with all the wires, just one.” “And which ones are the video wires?” “Well…all of them.” Juliet groaned. “So I just wind it around any old cable?” “I suppose so,” admitted the centaur.

Artemis pointed at the pillows. “You anticipated me.” The LEP captain nodded. “Only thirteen, and already predictable.” “I presume you used the air conditioner to vacuum the smoke?” “Exactly. I think we’re getting to know one another too well.”

Our simulated Artemis can do whatever I tell him, whenever I say. At the moment, the sim is asleep, but in half an hour I may just instruct him to go to the bathroom.” Holly reeled in her piton cord. “The miracle of modern science. The LEP pours millions into your department, Foaly, and all you can do is send Mud Boys to the toilet.” “You should be nice to me, Holly. I’m doing you a big favor. If Julius knew I was helping you, he’d be extremely angry.” “Which is exactly why you are doing it.”

Holly had never seen that look on the human boy’s features before. Was it guilt? Could it be? “Is there something you’re not telling me?” she demanded. The expression vanished, to be replaced by the customary lack of emotion. “No, Captain Short. Nothing. And do you really think that now is the time for an interrogation?” Holly wagged a threatening finger. “Artemis. If you mess with me now, in the middle of an operation, I won’t forget it.” “Don’t worry,” said Artemis wryly. “I will.”

Holly snorted. “What do you want me to do? Cut it off and take it with us?” Artemis’s silence was response enough. “What? You want me to cut off his thumb? Are you insane?” Artemis waited patiently for the outburst to pass. “Listen to me, Captain. It’s only a temporary measure. The thumb can be reattached. True?” Holly raised her palms. “Just shut up, Artemis. Just close your mouth. And I thought you’d changed. The commander was right. There’s no changing human nature.” “Four minutes,” persisted Artemis. “We have four minutes to crack the vault and get back. Spiro won’t feel a thing.” Holly felt as though her helmet were shrinking. “Artemis, I’ll stun you, so help me.” “Think, Holly. I had no choice but to lie about my plan. Would you have agreed if I had told you earlier?” “No. And I’m not agreeing now.” Artemis’s face glowed as pale as the walls. “You have to, Captain. There is no other way.”

A red glow reflected from her visor as a short burst of concentrated laser beam erupted from the nozzle of her Neutrino. “One cut,” said Artemis. “Clean.” Holly glared at him. “Don’t, Mud Boy. Not a word. Especially not advice.” Artemis backed off. Certain battles were won by retreating.

“Eh, Mr. Spiro. I think we have a situation here.” “A situation?” growled Spiro. “What does that mean? You’re not a soldier anymore, Blunt. Speak English.” The New Zealander tapped a screen as if that would change what he was seeing. “I mean we have a problem. A big problem.” Spiro grabbed Artemis by the shoulders. “What have you done, Fowl? Is this some kind of…” The accusation died before it could be completed. Spiro had noticed something. “Your eyes. What’s wrong with your eyes? They don’t match.” Artemis treated him to his best vampire smile. “All the better to see you with, Spiro.”

“What’s happening, Cube?” spluttered Spiro. “You said that we’d all be wiped from the tapes.” “I lied. It must be the criminal personality I’m developing.”

“You have taken everything from me,” he shouted. “Everything.” Artemis was strangely calm. “You don’t understand, Jon. It’s like I told you. I was never here.” He paused for breath. “And one more thing. About my name, Artemis. You were right in London, it is generally a female name. After the Greek goddess of archery. But every now and then a male comes along with such a talent for hunting that he earns the right to use the name. I am that male. Artemis the hunter. I hunted you.” And just like that, he disappeared.

Artemis wasn’t finished yet. There was one more good deed to be attended to. The success of this venture depended on Foaly’s being too busy watching the show to notice Artemis hacking into his system. He brought up the LEP site and set the code breaker working on a password. It took ten valuable seconds per minute, but he was soon flying around LEP micro sites. Artemis found what he needed on Perp Profiles. Mulch Diggums’s complete arrest record. From there it was a simple matter to follow the electron trail back to the original search warrant for Mulch’s dwelling. Artemis changed the date on the warrant to read the day after Mulch’s arrest. This meant that all subsequent arrests and convictions were null and void. A good lawyer would have him out of prison in a heartbeat. “I have not finished with you yet, Mulch Diggums,” he whispered, logging out and clipping the Cube onto Holly’s belt.

As they flew across the room, Spiro was being led from the lab. He had finally managed to calm down. “This is a setup,” he proclaimed in his best innocent voice. “My lawyers are gonna rip you guys apart.” Artemis could not resist speaking as they floated past his ear. “Farewell, Jon,” he whispered. “Never mess with a boy genius.” Spiro howled at the ceiling like a demented wolf.

“I am your guide, Arno. I’ve come to take you home. There are a lot of people waiting to see you.” “H-h-home?” stammered Blunt. “What do you mean home?” Butler took a step forward. “You know what I mean, Arno. Home. The place you’ve always been headed. The place you’ve sent so many others. Including me.” Blunt pointed a shaky finger. “You stay away from me. I killed you once, I can do it again.” Butler laughed. It was not a pleasant sound. “That’s where you’re wrong, Arno. I can’t be killed again. Anyway, death is no big deal, not compared to what comes after.” “What comes after…” “There is a hell, Arno,” said Butler. “I’ve seen it, and believe me, so will you.”

Root’s rosy complexion was exaggerated by poor reception. “I couldn’t care less about your touchy-feely moment, I’m here to make sure this wipe goes smoothly. If I know our friend, Fowl, he’s got a few tricks up his sleeve.” “Really, Commander,” said Artemis. “Such suspicion is wounding.” But the Irish teenager couldn’t suppress a grin. Everybody knew that he would have hidden items to spark residual memories; it was up to the LEP to find them. Their final contest. Artemis stood and approached Mulch Diggums. “Mulch. Of all the fairy people, I will miss your services the most. We could have had such a future together.” Mulch looked a touch teary. “True. With your brains and my special talents.” “Not to mention your mutual lack of morals,” interjected Holly.

Foaly did a little four-step, clapping his hands together. “Exactly.” Holly pushed through the door, dragging a metallic capsule behind her. “Look what they found buried in the grounds.” She flipped the lid, pouring the capsule’s contents on the Tunisian carpet. Several computer disks and hard copies of Artemis’s diary fanned across the carpet. Foaly examined a disk. “Something else you forgot to mention.” Artemis was not quite so cocky now. His lifelines to the past were being cut one by one.

Artemis held up his palm. “Wait a moment. Am I right in thinking that when I wake up again, this will all be over?” Holly smiled. “Yes, Artemis. This is good-bye, for the last time.” Artemis’s face was composed, in spite of the emotions churning inside him. “Well, then, I have a few things to say.” Root was curious in spite of himself. “One minute, Fowl. Then nighty-night.” “Very well. First, thank you. I have my family and friends around me thanks to the People. I wish I didn’t have to forget that.” Holly laid a hand on his shoulder. “It’s better this way, Artemis. Believe me.” “And second, I want you all to think back to the first time you met me. Remember that night?” Holly shuddered. She remembered the cold individual who had attacked her by a magical hotspot in Southern Ireland. Commander Root would never forget escaping an exploding tanker by the skin of his wings, and Foaly’s first encounter with Artemis had been via a recording of the negotiations for Holly’s release. He had been a despicable creature. “If you take away the memories and influences of the People,” continued Artemis, “I might become that person again. Is that what you really want?” It was a chilling thought. Were the People responsible for Artemis’s transformation? And were they to be responsible for changing him back? Holly turned to the screen. “Is it possible? Artemis has come a long way. Do we have the right to destroy all that progress?” “He’s right,” added Foaly. “I never thought I would say th...

“I’ll do that,” said Holly, taking the masks. She hooked the elastic over Juliet’s ponytail. “You know something?” she said. “Personal protection is a cold business. You have too much heart for it.” Juliet nodded slowly. “I’ll try to hold on to that thought.” Holly settled the eyepieces gently. “I’ll keep an eye on you.” Juliet smiled. “See you in my dreams.”

Holly sighed. “It’s a pity, because we were almost friends.” The centaur snorted. “Sure. Like you can be friends with a viper.” Holly suddenly shut her helmet visor, hiding her eyes. “You’re right, of course. We could never have been friends. It was circumstance that pushed us together, nothing more.” Foaly patted her shoulder. “That’s the girl. Keep your ears up. Where are you going?” “Tara,” replied Holly. “I’m going to fly. I need the fresh air.”

Mulch forced himself to wait until all the technical staff had cleared their equipment from the shuttle, then he casually opened his right hand, rubbing his temples with thumb and forefinger. What he was actually doing was reading the tiny note concealed in his palm. The one slipped to him by Artemis Fowl when they shook hands. I have not finished with you yet, Mulch Diggums. On your return, tell your lawyer to check the date on the original search warrant for your cave. When you are released keep your nose clean for a couple of years. Then bring the medallion to me. Together we will be unstoppable. Your friend and benefactor, Artemis Fowl II

It is even more important that I keep this journal a secret from my father. He is not himself since his escape from Russia. He has become obsessed with nobility and heroism. Abstract concepts at best. As far as I know, nobility and heroism are not accepted by any of the world’s major banks. The family’s fortune is in my hands, and I will preserve it in the way I always have, through ingenious plots. Most of these plots will be illegal. The best always are. Real profit lies in the shadowy areas beyond the law. I have decided however, out of respect for my parents’ values, to change my criteria for victim selection. It would seem better for the world’s ecology if several global corporations went bankrupt, and so I have resolved to help them on their way. Not victimless crimes, but ones where few tears will be shed for the injured parties. This does not mean that I have become a weak, latter-day Robin Hood—far from it. I intend to reap substantial benefits from my crimes.

Then there is my talent for art forgery. In the past I have favored the Impressionists, but now for some reason I am drawn to more fantastical subject matter, such as the fairy creatures depicted by Arthur Rackham.

Overwhelming difficulties, you may think. An ordinary person would draw the shutters and hide from the world. But I am no ordinary person. I am Artemis Fowl, the latest in the Fowl crime dynasty, and I will not be turned from my path. I will find whoever planted those lenses and they will pay for their presumption. And once I am rid of this nuisance, my plans will proceed unhindered. I shall unleash a crime wave the likes of which has never been seen. The world will remember the name of Artemis Fowl.