The Eternity Code (Artemis Fowl, #3)

by Eoin Colfer

The giant Eurasian man flitted between tables in the Knightsbridge bistro, hiding the usual security items and clearing exit routes.

So, from what Anita Blake has taught me about body-guarding, Butler doesn’t actually do that great of a job considering he should be just guarding Artemis and not calling attention to himself…

“Hello there, young man. Would you like to see the children’s menu?”

What kind of restaurant offers kids menus to teenagers?

Artemis’s vocabulary had that effect on most people.

Not vocabulary. Tone. His tone has that effect on people. Everything in his vocabulary was completely normal.

Artemis wondered who would want to kill him? Most of the waiters and tailors in Europe, for a start.

Probably. Don’t be rude to the waitstaff, ya little jerk.

She’d seen a vampire movie once. The undead creature had had the very same hypnotic stare. Maybe the kid spoke like a grown-up because he was actually five hundred years old.

This is just dumb and unnecessary.

It wouldn’t hurt you to be nice occasionally.”

Especially to staff!!!

suspect me of selling military secrets. They’ve pulled one of their birds out of orbit, just to track me.” “Or perhaps me,” noted Artemis.

Neither of you actually know that, just that an ion bean from a CIA satellite is on its way to your location. That means virtually nothing. 🙄

Butler squeezed his employer’s shoulder. It was not a good idea to bait a man like Jon Spiro.

You’re a bodyguard, Butler, not a business partner. Unless Artemis is actually in danger, you need to NOT be doing what you’re doing.

We are in a public place, surrounded by civilians.

Which is an odd place to show someone proprietary tech… just sayin.

Spiro clicked his fingers, and every single customer in En Fin drew a weapon from inside his or her coat.

Aaaand cue me rolling my eyes at this entire thing.

You get to be the guy who took out the great Butler.” He

Not much of a real take down if Butler’s got ALL the guns levered at him.

“Oh, and by the way. ‘Artemis’—isn’t that a girl’s name?”

Aaand Spiro’s childish af.

All they needed was one more word and the grenade would explode, sending a solid wall of sound charging through the building, blowing out every window and eardrum. There would be no smoke or flame, but anyone within a ten meter radius not wearing earplugs had about five seconds before severe pain set in.

And you didn’t think to use this before Spiro took you cube? Wtf

No one has been developing technology like this as far as I know.

Which just goes to show that Artemis never tested his cube before that meeting with what’s his nuts.

* * *

And here we have another moment of annoyance that Butler definitely wasn’t acting like a bodyguard at all, and he just now figured it out. You would literally want to get your principal out of the situation, not leave them on their own to go make sure there were no more threats. Butler fails to do this and, as a consequence, gets shot. Go figure.

This cryogenics this should not work. Those freezers aren’t built to flash-freeze shit, which is what Butler would actually need.

Once he had assured the waitress that he was not looking for his mommy,

Okay, so Artemis is, what, 14 at this point? Must be a young-looking 14. Pretty sure I never had a waitress ask anything like this when I was a teenager.

No sugar obviously. It might make me hyperactive.”

Myth

Strange that Mud Men seemed more concerned about the past than the present.

Yeah, weird, that.

“I can’t just kill innocent people,” protested Juliet. Madam Ko sighed. “I know, child. And that is why you are not ready. You have all the skill, but you lack focus and resolve. Perhaps next year.”

I’m sorry, are you training bodyguards or assassins? Body guards are meant to guard The Body, not kill people who get in their way.

“You are not ready. I should not let you leave. You are too emotionally involved to be an effective bodyguard.”

No one said Juliet was taking over as a bodyguard. Not to mention that thing where she only spends half the year with you… what’re you planning to do, keep her prisoner til she passes your test?

* *

How is an assassin this stupid and still alive?

It’s just the short thing. I’ve been listening to it my whole life.”

So get over it already.

because Mo Digence was actually Mulch Diggums, kleptomaniac dwarf and fugitive from the LEP.

Noooo sheeeiiittt

“So, who’s the mark?” said Mulch, pretending that it mattered. “That’s need-to-know information,” said Loafers. “And let me guess—I don’t need to know.”

If you’re helping get the mark, you definitely need to know who the fuck it is. This entire thing is bullshit.

Spatz Antonelli doesn’t hire morons.”

So what’s the excuse in hiring you, then?

The doors themselves were imposing enough. Spiro had them stolen from the ballroom of the sunken Titanic. They were a perfect example of power gone mad.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

I was the best.

You were ultimately a terrible bodyguard.

I can invent some excuse.”

Heterochromia. Done.

“I have to go with Artemis. He’s my Principal. My brother would stick to Artemis like glue, and so will I.”

A little late for that, seeing as Artemis is locked up.

“Cameras have better eyes than humans.

Ha! Tell that to my iphone. Colors messed up and moon pics never turn out.

“No debris, dwarf. Artemis said we weren’t to leave any trace.” “Don’t worry. I’m not a messy eater.”

Big holes in walls are traces, dumb ass.

“I’ll worry about that later,”

Except for goddamn holes in walls apparently

The picture was in oils. Completely white. There was a brass plaque beneath. It read, Snow Ghost.

Is Spiro Kingpin?

Artemis was manipulating the People to his own ends, once again.

I mean, ya’ll could just let a retrieval team go in and figure out how to get the cube… no actual need for Artemis and all the holes in the building.

“Careful, Mr. Spiro, guns are dangerous. Especially the end with the hole.”

🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

And slower. But the fairy magic had bolstered his reaction time,

So… slower or not?