How To Be Trustworthy

by Katherine Hawley

How might all of this manoeuvring look to observers who are not fully aware of the challenges posed by circumstances? From this outside perspective, imagine someone who opts to pay the high social cost of avoiding a particular commitment. Suppose we do not realize how difficult it will be for that person to fulfil that commitment, or at least how difficult it is for her to know what she can do; perhaps it’s the kind of thing that would be easy for us to manage. Then the refusal to become committed looks perversely unmotivated: we may simply assume that she is antisocial, lacking confidence, or not a ‘team player’. Or imagine someone who makes what seem to be absurdly cautious attempts to specify exactly what she can and can’t commit to doing, offering up conditions and potential excuses. Again, imagine that we do not appreciate how difficult it is for this person to know whether she will be able to act as required, perhaps because she knows how unstable or hostile her circumstances are likely to be. To us, the person will appear to be simply a fusspot, or self-centred, or unreliable: we won’t see these superficially irritating behaviours as evidence of her admirable underlying motive.