Eileen

by Ottessa Moshfegh

Had I been born into a different family, I might have grown up to act and feel perfectly normal.

That is what I imagined life to be—one long sentence of waiting out the clock.

I did not like to sweat in front of other people. Such proof of carnality I found lewd, disgusting.

Other girls were married by my age, had children, settled. To say I didn’t want all that would be too generous. All that simply wasn’t available to me. It was beyond me.

I knew better than to mouth off or cause any fuss, but I tried to send her violent messages with my mind.

I have to put it one way, so I’ll put it my way: He loved only himself and was full of pride and wore his badge like a gold star affixed to his chest by God himself. If he sounds trite, he was trite. He was very trite.

You decide for yourself what’s right and wrong. There are no prizes for good little girls. If you want something, fight for it. Don’t be a fool.”

After years of secrecy and shame, in this one moment with her, all my frustrations were condoned and my body, my very being, was justified.

GAYYYYYYYYYYYY

I turned to leave, but she stopped me by laying a hand on my shoulder. This sent chills down my spine. Nobody had touched me like that in years. I forgave her instantly for betraying me with the boy.

Genuinely Insane inner monologue

My face in the mirror looked less monstrous than usual. If Rebecca wanted to look at it, maybe it wasn’t so bad, I thought.

Rebecca had invited me into her home, allowed me to see her in her natural state, however slovenly and nervous. That was friendship.

If in fact she was a slob and her elegance and refinement were a sham, maybe there was hope for me after all. Maybe I could be a sham, and appear elegant and refined, too.

His hands on my neck were, in fact, a kind of balm—it was all the affection I received back then.

the most sane thing thats happened in her childhood

On the contrary, being kidnapped was something of a secret wish of mine. At least then I’d know that I mattered to someone, that I was of value.

Gagged

At night my bed is full of love, because I alone am in it. I cry easily, from pain and pleasure, and I don’t apologize for that. In the mornings I step outside and I’m thankful for another day. It took me many years to arrive at such a life.

In the mirror I was a different girl. I can’t explain the certitude I saw in my face. There was a whole new look in my eyes, my mouth.

I really saw myself for the first time that night, a small creature in the throes of life, changing. I felt a great urge to look at photographs from my childhood, to kiss and caress the young faces in those snapshots.

I don’t know where we went wrong in my family. We weren’t terrible people, no worse than any of you. I suppose it’s the luck of the draw, where we end up, what happens.