Themes and Variations

by David Sedaris

A Jewish fellow named Saul Epstein owns a nail company, very successful, and when he retires, he hands it over to his son-in-law. Then he moves to Florida and is there one day, reading the New York Times, when he comes upon a full-page ad. It’s a picture of Jesus, hanging on the cross, and below him are the words, “They used Epstein Nails.” Furious, the old man reaches for the phone. “Are you out of your mind? That’s no way to sell our product!” The son-in-law promises to fix everything, and a week later, Epstein opens his Times to find another full-page ad. This one shows a cross standing empty on a hilltop. In front of it, lying with his face in the dust, is Jesus Christ, and on either side, looking down at him, are two Roman soldiers, along with the words, “They didn’t use Epstein Nails.”

What’s the worst thing you can hear while you’re blowing Willie Nelson? “I’m not really Willie Nelson.”