Themes and Variations

by David Sedaris

Three friends marry three women from different parts of the world. The first chooses a Spanish girl, and tells her on their wedding night that she is to do the dishes and the laundry, and to generally keep the house in order. It takes a while to break her in, but on the third day he comes home to find things as he wanted. The second man marries a Thai girl. He gives his wife orders that she is to do all the cleaning, as well as the cooking and the ironing. The first day, he doesn’t see any results, but the following one is better. On the third day, he finds that his house is clean, the dishes are done, and there is dinner on the table. The third man marries an American girl. He orders her to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, and the lawn mowed, and to put hot meals on the table every evening. The first day, he doesn’t see anything. The second day, he doesn’t see anything either. But by the third day, some of the swelling has gone down. He can make out basic shapes with his left eye, and his arm has healed well enough that he can throw together a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

I’m pretty sure I could tumble down all the stairs in the Empire State Building, naked, with a greased-up pepper grinder in each hand, and a box of candles around my neck, and still end up in the lobby with an empty rectum.