Themes and Variations

by David Sedaris

had her answer with her arms crossed over her chest. I thought that was sign language for Couldn’t you have told me you were coming? Now I see that it actually meant, If you think I’m putting my bra back on for this bullshit, you are so sorely mistaken.

It’s late at night, and a man is getting ready to go to bed, when he hears a knock on his door. He opens it and looks down to see a snail. “Yes,” it says, “I’d like to talk to you about buying some magazine subscriptions.” Beside himself with rage, the man rears back, kicks the snail as hard as he can, and storms off to bed. Two years later, there comes another knock. The man answers, and again he finds the snail, who looks up at him and says, “What the fuck was that all about?”

She looked to me like a librarian is supposed to, slightly stern, with a longer-than-average neck.

Something in the early summer of 2019 had us all thinking about enormous gaping assholes.