Themes and Variations

by David Sedaris

I would see them until they wilted.

What’s the worst thing you can hear while you’re blowing Willie Nelson? “I’m not really Willie Nelson.”

It’s late at night, and a man is getting ready to go to bed, when he hears a knock on his door. He opens it and looks down to see a snail. “Yes,” it says, “I’d like to talk to you about buying some magazine subscriptions.” Beside himself with rage, the man rears back, kicks the snail as hard as he can, and storms off to bed. Two years later, there comes another knock. The man answers, and again he finds the snail, who looks up at him and says, “What the fuck was that all about?”

“So, God tells Adam, ‘I’m going to make you a wife, a helpmate, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She’ll be fantastic in bed, uncomplaining, and ready to carry out your every desire. The thing is, it’ll cost you.’ “‘How much?’ Adam asks. “‘An eye, an elbow, a collarbone, and your left ball.’ “Adam thinks for a minute, then asks, ‘What can I get for a rib?’”

Three friends marry three women from different parts of the world. The first chooses a Spanish girl, and tells her on their wedding night that she is to do the dishes and the laundry, and to generally keep the house in order. It takes a while to break her in, but on the third day he comes home to find things as he wanted. The second man marries a Thai girl. He gives his wife orders that she is to do all the cleaning, as well as the cooking and the ironing. The first day, he doesn’t see any results, but the following one is better. On the third day, he finds that his house is clean, the dishes are done, and there is dinner on the table. The third man marries an American girl. He orders her to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, and the lawn mowed, and to put hot meals on the table every evening. The first day, he doesn’t see anything. The second day, he doesn’t see anything either. But by the third day, some of the swelling has gone down. He can make out basic shapes with his left eye, and his arm has healed well enough that he can throw together a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.