Themes and Variations

by David Sedaris

“A friend will call drunk and wanting a ride, and I’ll say, ‘Honey, I got my bra off. Get yourself a cab.’”

If you think I’m putting my bra back on for this bullshit, you are so sorely mistaken.

“So, God tells Adam, ‘I’m going to make you a wife, a helpmate, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She’ll be fantastic in bed, uncomplaining, and ready to carry out your every desire. The thing is, it’ll cost you.’ “‘How much?’ Adam asks. “‘An eye, an elbow, a collarbone, and your left ball.’

“Adam thinks for a minute, then asks, ‘What can I get for a rib?’”

The third man marries an American girl. He orders her to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, and the lawn mowed, and to put hot meals on the table every evening. The first day, he doesn’t see anything. The second day, he doesn’t see anything either. But by the third day, some of the swelling has gone down. He can make out basic shapes with his left eye, and his arm has healed well enough that he can throw together a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

When you just want to be left alone, they’re everywhere and super aggressive.

But I think it’s overrated—your reward for being pushy, though not for being interesting, or particularly deserving. Do I think this way because I’m unable to ask for things? I wondered. Have I spent the afternoon looking for the young, hapless version of myself, the person I was before my luck kicked in?

Give away fifty dollars of your own money, and the moment you tell someone about it, you’re an asshole. I mean, the one thing you’re really not allowed to bring up in this world is your generosity. Because the moment you do, it’s not generosity anymore—by bringing it to light, you’ve killed it. Plus it makes the people you tell feel ungenerous. And they wind up hating you.”