Themes and Variations

by David Sedaris

A Jewish fellow named Saul Epstein owns a nail company, very successful, and when he retires, he hands it over to his son-in-law. Then he moves to Florida and is there one day, reading the New York Times, when he comes upon a full-page ad. It’s a picture of Jesus, hanging on the cross, and below him are the words, “They used Epstein Nails.” Furious, the old man reaches for the phone. “Are you out of your mind? That’s no way to sell our product!” The son-in-law promises to fix everything, and a week later, Epstein opens his Times to find another full-page ad. This one shows a cross standing empty on a hilltop. In front of it, lying with his face in the dust, is Jesus Christ, and on either side, looking down at him, are two Roman soldiers, along with the words, “They didn’t use Epstein Nails.”

It’s late at night, and a man is getting ready to go to bed, when he hears a knock on his door. He opens it and looks down to see a snail. “Yes,” it says, “I’d like to talk to you about buying some magazine subscriptions.” Beside himself with rage, the man rears back, kicks the snail as hard as he can, and storms off to bed. Two years later, there comes another knock. The man answers, and again he finds the snail, who looks up at him and says, “What the fuck was that all about?”

Three friends marry three women from different parts of the world. The first chooses a Spanish girl, and tells her on their wedding night that she is to do the dishes and the laundry, and to generally keep the house in order. It takes a while to break her in, but on the third day he comes home to find things as he wanted. The second man marries a Thai girl. He gives his wife orders that she is to do all the cleaning, as well as the cooking and the ironing. The first day, he doesn’t see any results, but the following one is better. On the third day, he finds that his house is clean, the dishes are done, and there is dinner on the table. The third man marries an American girl. He orders her to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, and the lawn mowed, and to put hot meals on the table every evening. The first day, he doesn’t see anything. The second day, he doesn’t see anything either. But by the third day, some of the swelling has gone down. He can make out basic shapes with his left eye, and his arm has healed well enough that he can throw together a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.