Themes and Variations

by David Sedaris

The third man marries an American girl. He orders her to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, and the lawn mowed, and to put hot meals on the table every evening. The first day, he doesn’t see anything. The second day, he doesn’t see anything either. But by the third day, some of the swelling has gone down. He can make out basic shapes with his left eye, and his arm has healed well enough that he can throw together a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

Is this why I’m not poor? I wondered. Because I’m always thinking?

Plus having to go through airport security every morning just so you can work at McDonald’s.

Getting a snack meant walking by the McDonald’s, and I didn’t want the woman to see me again, so I just sat there, and ate three raisins I found stuck to my checkbook at the bottom of my tote bag. Oh, the price of saving people.