Themes and Variations

by David Sedaris

If you think I’m putting my bra back on for this bullshit, you are so sorely mistaken.

“And there’s no point in me doing anything if I can’t write about it,” I continued. “It would be like . . . walking ten miles without my Fitbit on—a complete waste. I mean, I do do things I don’t write about: I use the bathroom, I have sex, but I try to be quick about it.”

Something in the early summer of 2019 had us all thinking about enormous gaping assholes.

I met so many people during that book tour. I shook hands, I asked questions. I connected. I’m not a bad man, honestly I’m not. So, why do I worry that he was the only person I encountered that month who truly saw me?