Themes and Variations

by David Sedaris

“A friend will call drunk and wanting a ride, and I’ll say, ‘Honey, I got my bra off. Get yourself a cab.’”

“Do you remove your bra on your way home from work?” I asked a young woman with orange hair. She nodded. “In your car?” “Oh, no,” she told me, “I do it on the bus.”

What’s the worst thing you can hear while you’re blowing Willie Nelson? “I’m not really Willie Nelson.”

I’m pretty sure I could tumble down all the stairs in the Empire State Building, naked, with a greased-up pepper grinder in each hand, and a box of candles around my neck, and still end up in the lobby with an empty rectum.