Themes and Variations

by David Sedaris

if it was ever my turn and I was the author seated at that table, I was going to engage people until they grew old, or at least thirsty.

“And there’s no point in me doing anything if I can’t write about it,” I continued. “It would be like . . . walking ten miles without my Fitbit on—a complete waste. I mean, I do do things I don’t write about: I use the bathroom, I have sex, but I try to be quick about it.”