Themes and Variations

by David Sedaris

“So, God tells Adam, ‘I’m going to make you a wife, a helpmate, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She’ll be fantastic in bed, uncomplaining, and ready to carry out your every desire. The thing is, it’ll cost you.’ “‘How much?’ Adam asks. “‘An eye, an elbow, a collarbone, and your left ball.’ “Adam thinks for a minute, then asks, ‘What can I get for a rib?’”

I mean, the one thing you’re really not allowed to bring up in this world is your generosity. Because the moment you do, it’s not generosity anymore—by bringing it to light, you’ve killed it. Plus it makes the people you tell feel ungenerous. And they wind up hating you.”

Something in the early summer of 2019 had us all thinking about enormous gaping assholes.