Project Hero

by Briar Prescott

That’s an idea so ridiculous that the fact that Donald Duck wears a towel around his waist when in everyday life he doesn’t wear any pants seems sane and logical compared to what I just came up with.

This is a good point.

Think about it, if you let me go into the world with the knowledge I have right now, I might go in for a blowjob and start to lick somebody’s elbow or something.”

People have gone through a lot of trouble to come up with the concept of an elevator, so I’m a firm believer that we should honor their work and let ourselves be whisked through the air in metal boxes, where the only physical activity involved is lifting our fingers and pressing a button.

“I’ve got a Snickers body,” I say. “Not in the sense that I look like a Snickers bar. Just that I eat too many Snickers and it shows.”

“I’m in love with you. And I know I promised there wouldn’t be any feelings and shit, but I failed. So… oops? Although, I’d like for you to take into consideration that it wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t so goddamn irresistible and funny and smart and great, so if you think about it, really, it’s your fault that we’re in this pickle to begin with.”