Kindle Notes & Highlights
"What makes you think my life needed saving?"
It was never a bad mood, but no one seemed to understand. She wasn't mad or grumpy...she was just empty. Not that it changed anything. She had to get up, move around, and get to work. Even when her limbs felt heavy with every move she made. She still forced herself to get up and start her day.
It was as if the ground below Cordelia's feet grumbled and it made her lose her balance. Everything came into focus at once, and then it all went blurry. All sounds came from far away, but then they were too loud for her ears. Anxiety attack.
she was always left feeling a bit down. She was used to it, though other people never really understood what was wrong with her. Maybe that was the problem. No one knew what was wrong with her. Her family was not aware of her panic attacks, or that sometimes she felt too numb to do anything.
had spent all night freaking out. Her mind had been foggy and she had trouble breathing. She had forced herself to sit on the cold floor of her bathroom and get some control over her thoughts.
like she was looking at everything from the outside like she was not really present.
Parties were not her scene...at all. She didn't like crowds or drunk people.
but she felt like she was on her own in there. She felt like people were too close, like there was no space between them and it got harder for her to breathe. She gasped for breath, but her lungs seemed to be unable to get enough air. She blinked once, twice, her sight turning blurry. Her hands were still hidden underneath the sleeves of her sweater, but she felt the familiar pins and needles on them as they turned numb.
"We all react differently and we're all affected by different things."
frustrated. "I hate how much this… this thing inside me stops me from being normal. I’m trying, you know? I'm trying so damn hard to change it. To act normal, for once. But no matter how much I tell myself it's all just in my head, or that I'm overreacting… it changes nothing. And I'm so tired of dealing with it. I'm so tired of being weak and pathetic..." "You’re not weak or pathetic," Jasper whispered. "whatever it is you're dealing with… you can’t just push it aside and forget about. You just can't. The weight of it will push you down until there's nothing left of you. You need
Needing help does not make...
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She really wished people would stop asking that. “Of course.”
“Everybody should be into the classics.”
“There is something about knowing these books once belonged to someone...You can see the ghosts of their previous owners in every mark and folded corner. It’s amazing!”
“Every one of these books has a history. They belonged to someone, or several someones before ending up on this table. Just imagine the kind stories these books would tell if they talked.”
“Not as often as I used to, though. It is mostly like a thought in the back of my head.”
had always been too anxious and shy to approach other people,
People did not tend to stay around Blue for long
“I feel like they have these expectations for me and I’m failing at meeting any of them. It’s like they expect me to be a sort of person, to act a certain way...and I don’t mean that in a bad way. They’re not pressuring me into anything. But I feel like I’m letting them down day after day. “I feel like they don’t know me anymore, and it’s all my fault. Because I don’t let them in, I don’t tell them anything. And I can’t...not really. I mean, I’m still trying to figure out who I am, trying to understand the person I want to be. And with each day I fear that the person I choose to be won’t be
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“I think we always wait so long to feel worthy. We feel the need to show everyone around that we’re stable and we’re okay. And most of the time we’re not. Nobody is, not really. And that’s fine. It’s fine not to be okay.
just exist in the same space without bothering each other.
“Everyone has their ways of dealing with things. I write and you do art…and it’s not stupid. To struggle and have the need to blow some steam, needing to deal with everything, it makes us human. It shows we’re feeling, that we’re alive. Sometimes we need the reminder that we’re alive, to know what we’re fighting for so that we can continue.”
She needed to get out. She needed to leave, so she did.
“Stop it,” Blue repeated. She stayed like that for a long moment. Breathing in and out, whispering short commands that her body did not follow. She remained there, clutching her knees so tight her hands hurt until she considered herself calm enough to stand up.
into her bed. She curled her legs up in fetal position, not even caring she was still in her day clothes and she had not gotten underneath the sheets. Her eyes felt heavy and her whole body trembled with the aftermath. She closed her eyes tightly, trying to hold back tears that were no longer there. She fell asleep like that, curled up on her bed, her eyes shut tightly and her whole body tense.
encourage
encouraged
“Do you have any idea how it feels? To have this thing inside you that won’t let you breathe? To doubt every single decision you make? To not be able to interact like a normal person? I can’t be in crowded places or talk to a group of people. Not because I don’t like it, but because I physically can’t do it. My vision blurs, my hands sweat, I can feel my heart pounding and feel as my whole body turns numb. It gets hard to breathe and I just can’t control it.”
She felt like she ws drowning and didn’t know how to come out for air. She felt like she was on a sinking boat and no matter how much water she threw over the side of her boat, more came in.
You can’t keep comparing yourself with everyone else. You’re your own person and you’ve got your stuff to deal with. We all have. Everyone has to deal with something. It just happens that you have anxiety...and that’s alright! That doesn’t mean you’re not normal, or that you’re weak somehow. It doesn’t make you less capable of anything.”
She felt like her body was rooted to the earth and the rest of her was drifting away from it.
I don’t know how to explain it. It’s just this...thing inside of me, that stops me from a lot of things. I can’t be in big crowds, I can’t talk to new people. I panic every time I have to talk to a stranger, or just socialize at an event. Even the stupidest things trigger me. Having attention on myself, the thought of doing something embarrassing, worrying about what people think of me...It all affects me. My hands go numb, my sight gets all blurry and I start to feel dizzy and I just freak out. And it’s not just that...it is a bunch of things. I can’t exactly say everything that gives me
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Every time I can’t do something, I feel like a burden.
I don’t know how to act around people. Things get fuzzy and I panic and I would rather just keep it all locked up than break down in front of you...and I know it sounds stupid, but to be honest I feel intimidated most of the time. I see you guys, doing amazing stuff every day and going on with your life, and everything looks so great and it makes me wonder why I can’t be more like you, more in control…”
“We may not deal with the same things, but we all have things we struggle with.” “It’s what makes us human,” Jasper said. “We have our faults and we all fail at something. There’s no such thing as ‘being normal’ because everyone is just as messed up.”
We are all stories, one way or another. And I wish I could read them all...or write them, because not all stories are told. Especially those that deserve to be told.
