Kindle Notes & Highlights
Gaven Freel settled at the small round table with his black coffee and pistachio biscotti, and he immediately dunked his snack into the steaming coffee.
First sentence rewrite:
Gaven Freel dunked his pistachio biscotti into his steaming black coffee.
25 words vs. 11 words.
Perks was fairly crowded this afternoon, which wasn’t unusual during the summer when both secondary and university students were free from classes and could haunt their favorite coffee shops.
Perks was fairly crowded, which wasn’t unusual during the summer when school was out.
29 words vs. 14 words.
Nicolo Tallow
1.
Serge “Da” Freel
2.
Poppa, Dex,
3.
His former best friend, Rei Bloom,
4.
while the owner, Brogan Tovey,
5.
Brogan’s youngest, omega Miko Tovey.
6.
that his friend Karson Jenks
7.
and Rei’s cousin Branson Cross
8.
omegin
What’s an “omegin”?
his alpha mate Mikel
9.
the late owner Mateo ...
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10.
his own BFF...
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11.
Uncle Kell and Uncle Ronin.
12. and 13.
Uncle Tarek’s
14.
Brogan’s eldest son Peyton…
15.
a fourth alpha in their age group, Aeron,
16.
their seventeen-year-old twins Emory and Caden,
17. and 18.
their twenty-year-old brother Branson.
19.
Along with the MC, thats 20!! named characters introduced in the first chapter alone. Come on. Does the author expect the reader to remember all these names?
“Not really. I mean, I met a few guys I could totally be friends with but there was no chemistry. I’m just destined to be a lonely old man without a husband or kid.” “You’re melodramatic, and you’re only nineteen. You have plenty of time to meet someone and fall in love.” “Like you’re some old, dried-up alpha. We’re the same age. And all the studies show that omegas aren’t going into their first heat until closer to eighteen now, rather than sixteen like a generation ago. You have the same amount of time.”
In need of a dialogue pass. Way too on-the-nose.
And he hoped to goddess he never had to find out.
DNF 7%
That first chapter was a struggle to get through. Nothing happened, aside from tedious exposition-filled conversation. Also, wordy. Author uses 20 words to say something that should only take 8. Cannot continue.
