Apropos of Nothing

by Woody Allen

we had a relative named Phil Wasserman, whom I will return to soon, as he was a major contributor to my career in later years. But there was also another relative named Phil Wasserman, equally as important a member of the family and he was always referred to as “the other Phil Wasserman.” So in conversations about either Phil Wasserman, one always had to specify and one did by saying, “I was walking in Manhattan and I ran into the other Phil Wasserman.” Or “I have to buy a gift for the other Phil Wasserman.” As a child I wondered if when he phoned he opened with, “Hi, it’s the other Phil Wasserman.” Or did his wife say, “This is my husband, the other Phil Wasserman”? Or, on his tombstone, does it say, “Here lies the other Phil Wasserman”? Jerry-built as the system was, it worked.

but I figured it was the usual benign insincerity that is the hallmark of show business conversation.

I’m eighty-four; my life is almost half over. At my age, I’m playing with house money. Not believing in a hereafter, I really can’t see any practical difference if people remember me as a film director or a pedophile or at all. All that I ask is my ashes be scattered close to a pharmacy.

turn out the pages, dote on Soon-Yi, and peel off twenties so my kids can go see movies that are not as good as ones I saw for twelve cents.

Rather than live on in the hearts and mind of the public, I prefer to live on in my apartment.