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That’s a Scot for you. They’re overbearing, loud-mouthed, no boundary-having, spirited animals who are sweet, cosy cuddlers one minute and beating the fuck out of someone who looks at them sideways the next.
“I love your freckles!” he barks, splaying one hand out on the counter and using his other hand to bop my nose. “They make me want to play connect the dots on your wee face.”
“You’re bonnie, and you’re my best mate. You should never feel the need to hide.” The wind beneath my sails has ceased, and my huffy, defensive attitude from moments ago has been completely washed away by this sweet ginger giant standing in my kitchen. I set my mug on the counter and pull out of his embrace to gaze up at him curiously. “Did you say ‘best mate’?” He shrugs. “Aye, you have been nearly since the second we met, which is why I want my teammates to know you. You’re my wee treasure, and I’m right proud of you.”
“You are a proper pain in my arse, Mac. Do you know that?” He beams happily. “It’s a good thing you have a great arse then.”
The world can often feel like a one-size-fits-all place, but applying a few alterations can make life a perfect fit. That and Spanx. God bless the creator of Spanx.
“Your size and your shape are bonnie, and you don’t need to trip over your words in front of a guy you fancy because you should never doubt how beautiful you are.” He swallows a seemingly uncomfortable lump in his throat, and adds, “But even if I can’t cure you of this warped view you have about your body, you need to remember you’re funny, and smart, and talented, with loads of other qualities that make the fact that you’re drop-dead gorgeous a really nice perk. Any man would be lucky to talk to you.”
I then realise with great surprise that my best friend just took my breath away.
Kissing shouldn’t be safe. It’s an animalistic act. It’s connecting on a fundamental level that humans should embrace with their base instincts, not their minds.
Me: For starters, men should buy the condoms. It’s literally the least we can do. Secondly, if I don’t know the size of my cock by now, I’m not doing this bloke thing right. And thirdly, if you ever come at my dick with something that has the word “craft” in it, I’ll never have a hard-on again.
“You? Nice?” she says as she stands and stares up at me with barely contained humour. “The man who once referred to his dick as the Loch Ness monster is suddenly doing something nice?” I can’t help but smirk down at her. “Aye, lucky for you, tonight you’ll find out if the legends are true.” She giggles at that. “Already calling it a legend? I really hope this is a self-fulfilling prophecy.”
“You’re going to have to stop being mean to me, Freya, or I’m going to fall in love with you.” Freya’s anger disappears. “What?” I shoot her a wink. “I get a stiffy for the mean ones.”
You’re gorgeous, Freya, and your inner voice is an evil, lying cunt.”
Grandad always told me it was better to get that salt out of your eyes than have it festering in your belly.
