You Are Your Own: A Reckoning with the Religious Trauma of Evangelical Christianity

by Jamie Lee Finch

I remember an exercise that was conducted in my charismatic Evangelical ministry school years ago where my small group leader encouraged us to sit and write out a list of all of the things that brought us joy. The implication was that the things and places and experiences we had decided we loved were the gifts that god had given to us out of his kindness for us to enjoy unto his glory. I sat and stared at a blank page for almost an entire hour—unable to think of a single thing to write down that brought me pleasure and joy. I couldn’t think of one thing that I truly loved because I didn’t have any external influence, in that exact moment, telling me whether or not each thing I could write down was something I actually had the permission to love. Because of all of the years I had been required to disconnect from any and all internal influence or my own inner voice, I found myself in a place in my mid-twenties where I didn’t have even one answer for what I uniquely loved, what I wanted, or what brought me joy. I had no connection to or relationship with my own inner compass for simple desire, or for uninfluenced, embodied pleasure.