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All I have is my uncertainty. And really, that’s all I’ve ever had. Everything else was a lie.”
But were humans still human without their worries?
“I am standing here asking you to love me in every way possible. I am asking you to walk through life with me in whatever form I take. I’m asking you to be my everything, Trina!” She squeezed her hand. “Isn’t that worth considering?” Trina crossed her arms. “You’re holding my life hostage.”
Most horrifically of all, people expected her to be over it by now, as if her grief had a neat expiration date like the carton of milk she had left on the counter a week ago.
“You people, you think happiness is the only important thing about being alive. I’m serious when I say I’m not interested in happiness. This old body hurts. That’s as worthy an experience as any.”
“I am interested in death, though. I think it’s going to be a grand adventure. I hope I get to stay dead, at least for a little while, before I become something else.
“I am all the things I don’t know. Everything is unfolding as it should, and that doesn’t mean I can’t be mad about it.”
I thought I’d never love again. But unfortunately, life moves on. I’m still married to her memory,
“Why do you feel like you need to have a job in order to be part of this world?”
“You don’t need a function in order to be here, Trina. You are allowed to be, just as you are.”
“My memories are who I am. You take away my memories, you erase me. Existence is memory. Do you understand? You’d kill me. You’d murder Trina FastHorse Goldberg-Oneka, daughter of Rita and Samuel, a child of love. Trans woman. Artist. Doctor. Healer. Native American. Jew. You erase my memories, and you erase my lineage of ancestors—their pain, their triumphs, their passions, their dreams. No matter if the memories bring me pain. It’s my pain! Let me have it.”
“Sweetheart, if you’re ready to go, go. I won’t hold your life hostage.”
“I wrote it, but it is not mine. It is for you.
As for you, you will probably wake up tomorrow, too. The sun will probably rise. Breath will probably move in and out of your lungs, blood will probably pump despite your amazing broken heart. Right now, you have a body, a mind, and a memory that extends backward through time’s infinite doorways. You are an everyday miracle. Enjoy life. Because even with the promise of forever, nothing lasts.
