The Comparison Cure: How to be less ‘them’ and more you

by Lucy Sheridan

Many of us are plagued by an irrational and unproductive obsession with what other people think of us, which is cripplingly toxic to our individuality, our wants, needs and desires. This can lead to compromise of some kind, whether that’s going to the restaurant you don’t like that much because your friend likes it, or staying in jobs or friendships that you no longer enjoy. Even the most confident person can be left wondering who they are and what it is they really want.

The more I understood about myself and what motivated me – what I feared and where I wanted to be without anyone’s influence – the more I noticed comparison loosen its grip and I earned back my joy.

Choosing not to conform to the definitions of success laid down by society can feel like navigating rocky ground because how we feel has grown to depend so much on what others think of us.

‘When you know who you are – and you’re pleased with the person you’ve become – you’ll experience a sense of peace through life’s inevitable ups and downs’ Amy Morin

A fundamental part of being more yourself more of the time, and in doing so freeing yourself from your comparison tendency, is gaining a deep understanding of what makes you tick, what drives you and what is ultimately at the core of your being.

To go deeper, I believe to live authentically is to demonstrate your values and, indeed, live these by walking your talk with a pure heart, following your legitimate desires rather than copying those of other people. It is through mastering this – living authentically – that we will cut off the oxygen to our comparison tendencies.

Focus deeply on your body and your breathing: Your body’s intelligence can cut through the noise of your brain. Taking some big deep breaths all the way down to the bottom of your belly will diffuse the adrenalin sparks that might be firing. Breathing deeply and evenly for 90 seconds can massively shift your physical state and let a sense of calm return to you. Tune into where there might be sensations in the body and ask you TYG what messages these hold – you will be knocked over by what can come through as insight.

Practise compassion for yourself. We are so, so harsh with ourselves, aren’t we? Whenever my inner bully voice starts to give me a hard time, I know it’s time to turn off the comparison so my TYG can be heard. If you can, take your left hand and place two fingers on your neck and feel your pulse, let your life force tickle your fingertips. Then take your right hand and slowly but firmly rub your heart in a circular motion, which will activate your heart chakra. (Whoah! Did she just say ‘chakra’? Yes, she did.) This increases your capacity to love yourself and others and, ultimately, is an incredible self-soothing tool.

Do something you love or that stirs joy within you: Cuddle your pet, FaceTime your lover, give yourself a facial or pedicure, go for a run, listen to your favourite song or poem. It will be different for each of us, but when we are in the grips of ego and fear-driven emotion, it is important to connect with our joy and do something that lifts our mood. It may not banish the difficult...

It makes my skin crawl and stomach turn to think that today, propelled by the pressures of social media, so many of us hustle to ‘achieve’ these markers when success can be so much broader, abundant and bountiful if we are to think more widely and deeply about what it means for us. What about having more free time? A better relationship with your parents? A consistent approach to saving money? Being able to contribute more time to your favourite charities? Paying for your wedding without a worry in the world? Being recognised for your amazing problem solving at work? Helping someone less able than you in your community?

Your definition of success, and your pursuit of it, should present you with broad and deep growth based on who you are and how you want to feel every day. Anything else is at best a compromise and at worst a tragedy.

The truth is, however, that you are successful right now in a multitude of ways and you can access that treasure trove by feeling gratitude for what you DO have, pride in what you HAVE done, passion to pursue where you WANT to go and appreciation and love for the people in your life right NOW. You are without doubt way further on in your accomplishments than you are giving yourself credit for.

When was the last time that you gave thought and consideration to what you want? What your goals are? And who you want to be in this world? So often, comparison thrives within us because we are not aware of our own version of success and how we would like to feel in our daily lives. Many of us inherit our beliefs about success and the roads we think we should take. This is an important point at which to pause as so many of us think we are failing when actually we are simply not in alignment with what we really want, and we are instead pursuing the dreams and goals of other people. For you, these inherited dreams might come from a parent, a teacher who inspired you at school, or something you heard a friend say once. But ultimately, we inherited that standard or marker of success, we did not choose it and it might have overridden our own internal guidance system.

Choosing a compass word At any time, we have the chance to press reset and line up our focus and efforts to meet halfway what we most want. Key to this, however, is staying really aware of and connected to what you are calling in for yourself. As life is so busy for many of us, it helps to be reminded regularly to act and think in accordance with those personal intentions. To help with this, I ask clients to choose a word or phrase to guide them, keep them on track and help them stay present. I call it a ‘compass word’ as it can help them navigate and traverse the conversations, situations and scenarios in their lives that stand between them and what they really want. It works a bit like a traditional resolution but instead of saying, ‘This year I am going to learn to speak French’ – highlighting a task – it’s more like, ‘This year I am going to pursue calm’ – highlighting a general feeling. This word or phrase should sum up the feeling or theme you want the year ahead to follow for you. It will help you show up boldly and yet also help with the seemingly innocuous decisions too.

More recently I chose the word ‘savour’. This came from a feeling of being spread too thin and yet focusing too much on ‘what’s coming next?’ This word centred me. Whether it’s a dinner with friends, writing a blog or hoovering my living room I want to really be all there – to savour it. Not checking my phone, keeping an eye on the clock or checking what’s in my diary next month. I want to smell the roses and appreciate everything that touches my senses. I want to savour.

‘If you don’t change your beliefs, your life will be like this forever. Is that good news?’ – W. Somerset Maugham

The YOU here today contains untold talents, courage and experience. YOU in this exact moment, no matter what you look like, are a treasure on Earth, part of the very universe itself in physical form. A heart full of love and strength. Your talents might be weird and wonderful and/or traditional and predictable, but they’re talents all the same. You’re complex and difficult to describe because your inarguable individuality means words are insufficient to articulate your YOU-ness.

Here is your invitation to quiet the noise and regain control of your mornings, perhaps for the first time. Introducing mini rituals, practices and actions that will nourish and fortify your mind and spirit, to transform your day and outlook. The blueprint I give clients to trial and adapt includes, as a minimum: No pre-wee scrolling. Put yourself first and see to all of your needs before catching up on emails and social media in the morning. Be really mindful about when you let those voices into your day. Shower with the lights off. This is not practical or safe for everyone and yet, being gentle and compassionate with yourself and your physical senses first thing makes such a difference. If you can, wash and get ready in natural light so your senses can gradually start stirring to help you meet your day. Practice gratitude. Write down five things you are grateful for to give you a little boost and start your day collecting evidence that positive things are happening for and around you. Listen up. Some of my clients enjoy listening to spa music or a chilled playlist on Spotify to start the day in the most nurturing way possible. If vibrant EDM is your thing, no worries, and yet with a day inevitably filled with stimulus, having even ten minutes of these gentle tones can be incredibly calming.

Come home to yourself All too often, on arriving home, the keys go in the door and our attention either turns straight to tasks with a ‘go, go, go’ attitude, or we simply slump on the sofa before ordering a food delivery. I get it. Our days can be exhausting. This is all the more reason to give yourself some TLC and extra attention to restore your energy. An evening blue print I share with clients is: On coming home: put on some relaxing music and light a candle to mark your return to your space. Nourish yourself. Get yourself a delicious hydrating drink and a snack to give your body a little boost. Return to gratitude. Again, journal five things that went well in your today or that you are grateful for right now. Breathe the stress away. Set a timer for two minutes and, with your eyes closed, sitting comfortably, take some deep breaths until the timer beeps. Relax and reconnect. Next, wash your face and put on some comfortable clothes and take a look at your list of goals. What can you do to move forward with these this week?

This is your picture of good, better, best. You have just created a scale of success for yourself that provides you with a safe container to take action, measure your own progress and dissolve perfection tendencies that might be keeping you stuck.

Take what serves you and leave the rest.

People are often surprised that I advise against a digital detox rather than recommend it. That is, taking extended periods of time offline and away from social media in order to reset and, if you will forgive the language, ‘go cold turkey’. I just don’t believe that extremes work in this scenario. Yes, you should not feel dependent on your device, no, it should not monopolise your time and attention. That said, to achieve calm, reduce our stress and increase connection in the real world, the solution lies in changed behaviour and a different approach to social media, not just interrupted use. Hitting the metaphorical red emergency buzzer could be more of a shock to the system than your current habits and anyway, do you really want to rely on sudden non-participation as a tactic to rebalance your online life? No, me either. Tweaks, refinements and awareness – always, always awareness – can be the difference that makes all the difference. These will ultimately transform our online habits and experiences for the better and to the benefit of everyone around us. For many of us, social media is booby-trapped with comparison triggers and yet we feel lost when we try to work out where to start curtailing those negative aspects.

A feed that actually nourishes you

When someone unfollows your social media account it is not a withdrawal of support, nor a syphoning away of love and appreciation for you and who you are. The more we start understanding that fact the easier it will be for everyone. It lets each of us off the hook.

Here is the thing to remember when you are dissolving comparison in order to focus on yourself – you do not owe anyone your attention. Nor do you owe them an explanation. You are not here to convince or persuade anyone of your reasons because they are just that, your reasons. Nor do other people need to account for themselves. Our individual mental health and emotional stability trumps seeing Susan’s before-and-after pics – sorry, Susan!

That said, we are only human, and it can be irritating to perceive people faking their reality to look a certain way, or be seen to live a certain lifestyle in an attempt to claim status or collect likes. Some people take an online persona to an extreme and that’s when sometimes we need to press mute, hide or unfollow in order to preserve our offline, ‘real’ relationship, without any of the filters or out-of-character comments.

By buying into the myth that there is a premium on immediacy, we promote it and in so doing, the vicious circle continues. We ‘fire off emails’, ‘quickly ping over the info’, ‘jump on requests’, in order to ‘keep on top of’ our inboxes. Even the language feels a bit manic and combative, and at what benefit to us? Fair enough, in a work environment we have to help out our colleagues and when a situation calls for it, rush to meet deadlines that have perhaps been moved or forgotten. And fair enough – I don’t have much time for pleasantries and small talk when I’m stressed either! And yet, with only finite waking hours in the day – and with your intention to regain power and control over your time, focus and energy – if the email can wait for a bit, let it wait for a bit.