Butterfly

by Ashley Antoinette

His stare was intense, luring her shame-filled eyes up to his, and her neck craned back as he took her lips.

“What are we doing?” she asked. “Whatever the fuck we want to do,” he answered.

“I don’t give a fuck about that nigga, Mo. He can become a memory like that.”

There it was. His aggression. He was more skilled than Messiah at keeping it hidden, at controlling it. He kept it tucked like the 9 mm pistol on his waist, but it was there. He buried it beneath the pretty-boy looks and the charm and that smile

“Yeah, that’s what we’re doing … we’re playing with fire … with people’s lives. Bash has been good to me.” “He ain’t the only nigga that’ll be good to you, Mo.” “You want to raise two babies, Ahmeek? Cuz I highly doubt that you do. You out here getting money, flying free, moving fast. My life isn’t fast anymore. It’s slow. It’s steady. It’s boring, and you are butterflies.”

“I told you a long time ago, no woman has ever asked me to do more. If that’s what you want, that’s what I’ll give, Mo. But do you want it? Do you want it with me? You say yes, and I’ll handle the rest. You don’t even got to pack your shit. We’ll grab the twins and break out. New nigga, new life, new throne, but you got to want that shit.”

You want me? Since when?” “Since for-fucking-ever, Morgan,” he admitted.

“And you were his girl, but before you were his girl, you were the girl that every nigga in the hood wanted. You were the one niggas used to try to get in position for just so he could have his paper right when he came at you. You thought niggas didn’t speak to you because you couldn’t hear. Nah, niggas couldn’t speak because they weren’t ready. I wasn’t ready. I needed to boss up a little, but it’s always been you.”

She was with one man, yearning for another, all to try to fill the hole Messiah had dug in her soul. The damage he had left behind was irreparable. She would never be okay.

What’s understood needs no explanation,”

“Wrong girl. I’m not riding for you. I’m not dying for you. I’m not ignoring cheating and lying and disloyalty.”

Ever since she was a child, music had helped her purge pain from her soul, and now Isa had added more that she needed to get out.

She loved that smile. That smile made her river rage.

“Don’t do that. Don’t sit there calm and cool like I’m tripping on you. Don’t act like you care. Fuck my hands; my heart is bleeding, nigga. You are tearing me apart!” she cried.

A nigga give me hurt, I give it back to his ass.

“Fix what you broke, Isa. Like tonight. Don’t fuck her over,” Morgan warned.

“Don’t do that. Don’t lump me in with whoever you’re comparing me to in your mind.”

“Niggas don’t cheat on me, Isa. It just doesn’t happen,”

don’t take pain. You give pain. You hurt me. She’s making it feel better,” Aria moaned. “God, so much fucking better.”

“I’m not the bitch you play with,

“I will kill you. I will gut you, my nigga. Don’t fucking play with me. I will leave your heart on the fucking floor.” “You already did, Ali. This shit touched a nigga behind his ribs. You fucking me up, Aria.” She knew he was serious because he used her real name. “Fuck I’m supposed to do walking in on some shit like this?” he whispered. “I want to fuck you, baby. I mean I want to fuck the shit out of you, but I want to choke your little ass too. Punish you.”

“I’m not afraid of you. I’ll go to fucking war for you. With you, baby, and you let me catch you with another bitch again and I’m going to war against you. You’ve got me. It’s all about me. Not them. I can take this dick, baby, and this mouth is reckless. I’m so disrespectful, so punish me.”

“I could just leave all this shit alone. The street shit. The semis, the drugs … I’ve done good with my money over the years. I’ve moved real quiet, been real smart. I could leave the rest on the table and get out while I’m free,” Ahmeek said.

“I’m twenty-seven, Mo. A nigga ready for the next step, but Isa never planned for that, but how old is too old to be doing the same shit? We been running shit for years. Wearing crowns for years. Banging on niggas for years. When is enough, enough?” he asked.

“Keep planning your exit. Make more investments. Make investments for Isa too, and move smart. Stay out the way. One day, you’ll fill this loft with a family, and you’ll be able to sleep with both eyes closed. Just be careful so that you make it to see that day.”

“The day it starts to hurt you, leave it alone, and that’s with whatever. Men, friends, whoever. The moment it hurts, you cancel niggas. You hear me?”

“I can’t breathe around you,” she admitted. “I just want to fuck you, Meek. I just want to suck your dick, scream your name, and then roll over in your shirt and go to sleep.”

“I’m serious. When I’m around you, my heart”—she inhaled a deep breath—“it just aches, but in a good way. It’s so exposed. It’s almost orgasmic. You make my heart cum, Ahmeek,” she whispered. “I don’t even know what I was doing before this. Like this feels different. It feels…” “Right,” he finished.

“God, Ahmeek. This is so wrong, but it feels so good. You feel so good.” He joined the party when he took a handful of ass.

“I want to fuck, Mo, but I can’t. I just can’t, love, but I’ma give you this nut cuz I know that nigga ain’t hitting this shit right. Damn, Mo. I just want to bust this shit open,” he groaned. “You want me to take care of that for you?”

“You a good girl, Mo. You don’t want shit to get ugly. So just take this nut and let it be, love, because if I fuck you, I’ma love you too, and then you’re trapped. Then you’re mine, and we both know you ain’t mine, love.”

She wanted what she wanted. In this moment, she couldn’t foresee the future without him in her life, even if it were only for one purpose … to make her heart cum.

He was looking at her like she was the sun. Like he had waited up all night just to make sure he didn’t miss the sunrise.

“Never will I fucking ever put Morgan Atkins in an Uber. Did you not hear the threat Ethic gave me? Walk light.” Ahmeek smirked. “A nigga like his life.”

“God, thank you for waking us up to see another day. We know that it wasn’t guaranteed, and we appreciate the gift of this moment, the gift of those that are present in this moment. We thank you for this meal. May it be nourishing to our bodies, and may the company we keep be nourishing for our souls. Thank you for this company, Big Homie. It’s appreciated. In Jesus’s name. Amen.”

He wrapped his arms around her waist and lowered his lips to her collarbone. A kiss. So intimate that it made her eyes close and her breath go hollow.

Where Messiah reminded her of Ethic, Ahmeek reminded her of her father. She loved them both, would never be able to choose between them. Just like Benny and Ethic. Life had made the choice for her because Benny had been taken away, and she had been left in Ethic’s care.

She had been robbed of Messiah, and Ahmeek was there, left to clean up the mess the tragedy had made of her.

A daddy versus a father. Ethic versus Benny. A zaddy versus a partner. ...

“Morgan, there is no right or wrong way to move on,” Marilyn said. “No one can tell you how to process your grief but you. No one can tell you what makes it better but you. I know you loved Messiah. I know how conflicted you must feel being here now with Ahmeek.”

You take your time deciding what you want your life to look like, and don’t let anybody make you feel bad about the way you choose to live after someone you gave your all died.

You don’t let a nigga fuck you without feeding you either.”

don’t think either of you really believe that. If you did, you wouldn’t be here in his shirt with wild hair and eyes that control every beat of my son’s heart.

Marilyn was even easier to love on than Ahmeek, and Morgan realized where he’d inherited the trait from. He had been raised on love. Ahmeek’s loving nature, no matter how deeply hidden behind the guns and the money and the street pedigree, was innate. All it took was the right woman to pull it out of him.

“We have no business being friends. I can’t just be friends. Not after last night,” she whispered.

“I knew last night that it was the end. The end before it even fucking started.” Ahmeek scoffed. “Shit’s wild.”

“Vegas! Morgan! What do you mean what show? We talked about this! You said

You don’t have to change with every relationship you get into. Who are you when you’re alone? When you look in the mirror? The Mo I know ain’t the one I saw in London!”

It wasn’t that she didn’t love him. She did. He was a great friend to her, but that all-consuming love that had seized her heart with Messiah didn’t exist with Bash.

“You can’t. I don’t like the shit, okay? I was raped, Bash. Raped by two niggas, and I couldn’t even say no. I can say no now, and it’s going to continue to be no until I feel like fucking saying yes!” she shouted.