The Best of Friends

by Lucinda Berry

“You care more about what your damn girlfriends think than you do your own family. The boys used our gun, Dani—our gun. And the police know it.”

“Please, Caleb, just tell me what happened,” I whisper. It’s been seventeen days, and he still hasn’t spoken. Not one word.

Self-inflicted gunshot wound. That’s what the doctors in the emergency room said when they told us about Jacob’s injuries. The same line is listed in his chart, but I skip over it whenever I scan his reports for the latest lab results and neurology tests.

“However, with all due respect, the forensics taken from the scene paint a different picture. Jacob’s injuries and finger placement on the gun are all consistent with an attempted suicide.”

Becoming a mom birthed my biggest fear—losing him. Sawyer marked my entrance into motherhood.

And life will go on without him. That’s the part I hate the most. It can’t. It must stop. Waves of grief strip all concept of time as I disappear into their swirling abyss. And then I’m returned. Depleted and empty. Spent.

Suicide contagion is a real thing in teenagers. Having someone close to you attempt suicide increases your risk.

Alcohol turns him into a special kind of monster—a perfectly articulate and well-poised monster. He doesn’t slur his words or stumble over his sentences. He walks straight and appears aware of himself and his surroundings. You’d never guess he was drunk. It’s why they’ll give him his keys tonight, because they won’t see the darkness that’s taken over his insides.

“When Luna left home, she said that she would spend the rest of her life making sure she never turned into me.” I blurt it out without thinking. “She said she had no respect for me because I did nothing but cater to Bryan’s and their needs like my needs didn’t matter. She was upset that she didn’t have a role model to look up to when she was growing up because I didn’t have an identity outside of my family.”