Paranormal Nonsense (Blue Moon Investigations, #1)

by Steve Higgs

There, I found a half-page advert for starting your own investigation business. Curious, I grabbed the yellow pages and discovered that in my local area, which had several million people in it, there was not one private investigator advertised. This, I considered, meant there was a niche market; a gap, an opportunity and thus I applied to take the course and buy the equipment.

Lack of competition...a good thing?

When I set the business up, I had invested in decent cameras, recording equipment, hidden microphones and professional looking stationery and notebooks that I could take to client meetings and wherever else my work took me. Since then, I had bought ancient looking texts and grimoires to complete the image of the serious paranormal investigator and carried ridiculous extras such as salt, stakes, and silver. So far, I had seen a lot of weird stuff but nothing that could convince me that the supernatural existed.

Got the props of a serious investigator but he's not a 'true' believer

“In reality?” PC Hotstuff had an incredulous look on her face and was staring at Frank as if trying to decide whether he was dangerous or just stupid. “A young woman had her throat ripped out twenty yards from her door by a crazed murderer. If it turns out that the perpetrator is some pathetic moron acting out a vampire fantasy…” she trailed off as if unsure how to end the sentence.

Frank riled up the PC so she shot him down and gave a few tidbits to Tempest ;-)

I definitely had a third set of fingerprints. Thus, I formed a plan but needed to discuss costs with the couple before we went any further. I sat them down on the sofa to explain how I planned to solve their mystery and what I would need to charge them.

Ghosts don't leave fingerprints!!

“The suspect has a head wound that may complicate the investigation and you have contaminated the building, which may have contained key evidence. Thanks to you there are dozens of additional fingerprints that we now need to catalogue and eliminate. Mrs. Cambridge appears none the worse for her eventful morning; a tough old bird that one, but I want to make this completely clear - I don’t like what you do. You strike me as charlatans with all your paranormal nonsense. Stay away from this case, or I may find the time to investigate your business. I believe I will enjoy that more than you will.”

Quinn not plrased by their injecting themselves into the vampire slayings investigation at all

This was not the first time my mother had pulled this stunt. The ladies in question were always from the church or the daughter of one of the ladies in her circle of friends. To date, she had yet to produce a lady that I could even be attracted to. I may come across as shallow but surely it must start with attraction. The last woman she introduced me to looked like an Ewok after it had lost a fight with a strimmer.

Mom wants grandchildren to fuss over but apparently not beautiful ones

I hadn’t seen her in some time, but I recognised her instantly. I felt my dad’s hand underneath my chin as he pushed my mouth shut. Apparently, it was open.

Now dad's trying to be helpful LOL

“Your mum says you catch ghosts now?” It was a question rather than a statement. I plucked a glass from the place setting that would be hers and poured her a large glass. I took another large glass for myself and handed the dregs to dad who was standing in the kitchen doorway waiting for it. He frowned at the amount I had left him but took it on the chin without comment. “Not quite, Debbie. Mother gets a little confused sometimes.” Because she is a senile, interfering old bat. “What I actually do is investigate cases where people think they are being haunted or think their brother is a werewolf or believe there is a demon cat living in their garden. I advertise as a Paranormal Investigator…” I paused as Debbie crossed herself, “…but of course, there is no paranormal. Vampires don’t exist and neither do ghosts, so my task is to find the truth behind each case and in doing so, solve the mystery I have been presented with.”

Mom over simplified things but Debbie hung up on the 'ghost' thing

Both mum and dad had come through from the kitchen and we were all now standing around the dining table sipping wine. I say sipping but that was what I was doing. My mother and Debbie were putting it away like there was an unannounced competition. As I watched, Debbie upended her glass and reached for the half-empty bottle dad had brought through with him. “Tempest, can you get another bottle from the fridge, dear?” asked mother. “I am about to serve.”

Debbie enjoys her wine....and had four kids

Debbie replied with oohs and aahs in a few places to indicate she was listening, but kept on chowing her food without looking up. By the time dinner was done, Mother’s cheeks had a healthy glow from the wine and the plates of food were all but empty. Debbie was picking the last few morsels from her plate. “That was excellent, Mary. The best meal I have eaten in ages.”

Debbie enjoying not having to cook

As they left the room, Debbie leaned forward as if she intended to whisper something to me, but as I leaned my ear toward her unthinkingly, she stuck her tongue in it and grabbed my head while simultaneously grabbing my upper thigh with her other hand. Quite shocked, I leapt from my chair, hit my testicles on the edge of the table, twitched at the sudden jolt of pain in my lower abdomen and knocked over my glass of wine. Attempting to stand straight, not cup my bruised nuts, and ignore the cramping pain in my gut all simultaneously, I watched with horror as Debbie swivelled towards me. She licked her top lip meaningfully, placed a hand either side of her chest, pushed her giant boobs together and slowly parted her legs. If performed by a more attractive woman, the act might have me dribbling and hoping my penis was not straining the front of my trousers. Performed by Debbie, my entire genitalia was hurriedly throwing belongings into a suitcase and grabbing its passport.

Debbie pounced on poor Tempest

“Do you like chestnuts, Debbie?” mum asked. “Maybe you and your children should come with us, we can all go to Tempest's house afterward.” Oh, for heaven's sake! “Mother, I am sure Debbie has plans already and has no need to see my house.” Please be busy, please be busy, please be busy.

Mom's a bit overly excited to play matchmaker...guess Tempest doesn't get a vote

“Well, that’s not what it looked like.” “Mother. If the ladies in the church ask you about this, you can tell them I was mistakenly arrested while aiding a pensioner. I am sure you can put some spin on this to make you look even more beneficent than usual.” “Hmm. We shall see,” she replied grumpily.

Mom worried about her sterling reputation

I drained the last of my tea, set the cup on the dining table and headed upstairs. My need to get dressed was driven by the danger of Mr. Wriggly deciding to get up a head of steam and show through my jogging bottoms since I had no restraining underwear on. In the bedroom, I grabbed slacks and a shirt/jumper combination that looked business casual and popped on some shoes. Glancing in the mirror I discovered that my hair was sticking out at every angle. Perfect. Momentarily angry at myself for not checking my appearance before opening the door, I thought instead that it spoke volumes about Amanda that she felt no need to say anything, nor stare at it.

Nice hair...LOL

“I have never had a partner before, a few assistants when I needed extra muscle, but never a partner. This is not a paid investigation. You do understand that, yes? I have not been commissioned and won’t be paid for expenses or anything else while this goes on so there is no reward money, but there are bills to pay.” I let that hang for a moment but started speaking again before she had a chance to. “I don't expect you to pay, other than fuel in your car and perhaps snacks if we stakeout. Do you have a site for the murder last night? Can we get access to it?” “I was expecting to pay you actually, not that I can afford it, so thank you for not giving me a bill.”

Partnership in the making???

“Move your bum please, Mary. So, I can get in, would you?” This from my dad. “Give me a moment Michael. I’m taking off my boots,” she answered with a little impatience and irritation. “Well then, shut the door, Mary. You are letting all the cold air in. It's not like I can get around your bum, is it? It fills the door.” “Shut yer face,” she replied instantly, accompanied by a punch to his ribs. Dad made a suitable ouch noise to placate his wife but shoved her over the threshold and into the house anyway. The door slammed shut behind him. “Amanda,” I whispered. “Their eyesight is largely based on movement. If we stay still, they might not see us.”

They may not see us...LOL fat chance

“Pleased to meet you,” Amanda said. “Are you single then?” asked my mother, sticking with the same singular line of thought. I rolled my eyes, thinking I was probably lucky that she had not yet asked if she is ovulating. “Erm, yes, actually.” Amanda then did her best to deflect my mother by speaking to my Dad, “Did I hear your first name is Michael?” she asked. “Which makes your name Michael Michaels. I’ve never heard that combination before.” “Well, Tempest's middle name is...” “Danger,” she completed his sentence. “Dare I ask what your middle name is?” “You can my dear, but I’ll never tell. At least not while the lights are on.” Dad’s cheeky smile was short lived as mum flicked her hand at his spuds and struck home. Dad instantly sagged against a kitchen cupboard, one hand on the counter, one hand on his nuts.

Mom ready to switch her target to Amanda ...dad got a shot to the groin for his joke

“Want to give your mum something to talk about?” “Hummh?” I grunted, wondering what she was asking me. “Nice to meet you both,” Amanda called through to the kitchen. My mother appeared suddenly from behind the kitchen counter. “Oh, are you leaving, dear,” she enquired, advancing towards us. “Yes, I have work to do.” “On a Sunday?” she asked, her tone now horrified. “Police work is never done I’m afraid. Got to be going then,” she said before waving to my parents, leaning in and kissing me on the lips. I was so taken by surprise that I dropped my teacup. It thunked on the carpet, somehow not breaking. She winked again as she broke the kiss and with a little laugh, she opened the door, waved once more and was gone.

Naughty Amanda...his mom will start planning the wedding ;-)

Jagjit finally pulled himself together. “Tempest, there’s a something terrible and scary outside your house.” “Terrible and scary?” I repeated his words mockingly. “Dude. Outside your house is a woman wearing lingerie and a trench coat. I heard a knock on the door when I came out of the toilet, so I opened the door and she flashed me.” “And that made you scream?” I enquired. “You didn't see it, man! The woman has a moustache like Lando Calrissian.” Oh, my God. It was Debbie! I hesitated, but then opened the door because hiding inside just felt a bit too weak. It was the wrong thing to do though because Debbie had been vanishing back up the path, beating a retreat to her car, I guess. She caught sight of the shaft of light from my front door and turned to come back when she saw me framed in the doorway. Behind me, Jagjit moved from where he was slumped against the wall. “What are you doing man? Shut the door before she sees you.” “Too late,” I whispered. “Oh. Oh, hold on. Tempest, are you shagging her? She looks like Mrs. Potato Head auditioning for a porn movie!” Jagjit's voice was incredulous, which it damned well should have been. He was also being a bit cruel about her figure. “What?” “I know it been a slow year for you on the lady front, but seriously man?”

Not a very PC description of poor Debbie but funny

My sole thought was that I could never unsee the sight in front of me. Debbie took a step forward and my penis took control of my base motor function, slammed into reverse, and had my back pressed against my door before I knew I had moved. “I don’t give up easy, Tempest. You should know that.” I think I gulped at that point. “Your resistance is sweet. I look forward to breaking it down.” I was trying to find the door handle with my right hand so that I could open the door and spill inside. As I edged closer to it, Debbie leaned forward, placed a hand on the door by my head then breathed into my ear, “I'll be back soon, lover.”

Debbie is determined...frightening but determined

Bouncing off another silver birch, the light sports car spun, then slid sideways until a few feet later the wheels on his side dug into the soft soil. The car flipped then barrel-rolled enough times that he lost count, before it slammed mercilessly into the unyielding trunk of an oak tree. At the top of the slope, the creature looked down at the wrecked car, hesitated, then hurried away.

Well he certainly made a mess of his fancy sports car

It read: ‘Hi, Tempest. Sorry about the kiss, I couldn’t resist it. Your mum is just like mine - always trying to marry me off or find me a husband.’ That was all she wrote.

He sounds disapointed ....

My daughter is currently in hospital swearing she was attacked by a seven-foot creature that was neither bear, nor man, nor anything else of this Earth - the so-called ‘Blue Bell Bigfoot’. Her boyfriend crashed his car when they came across it early this morning. He died at the scene.” Her voice failed to waver at all in breaking that news I noticed. “The police are not taking her account seriously. The two of them were doing drugs last night and he was still under the influence, whatever you call it, this morning.”

OMG the driver died in the rollover crash!!!

“Well, there you have it, Mr. Michaels.” Mrs. Sweeting-Brand locked eyes with me for a second and walked away, clearly expecting me to follow. “My daughter is a high fashion model, and her looks are her career. The injuries to her face are ruinous; she may never work again. She has so little other talent, I can’t imagine what else she might do. I don’t for one minute believe that what Michelle saw was a genuine creature, it will be some fool dressing up. I want this person found Mr. Michaels, found so that I can sue them. Sue them into the ground.” Mrs. Sweeting-Brand was a little scary.

Mom is one scary lady

“We are not with these guys,” I shouted to the sergeant. “He doesn’t care, Tempest,” replied Big Ben. “I told him that already.” “Hey, Sarge,” I tried again but he continued to ignore me. “Everyone is going to the station, Tempest,” said Amanda. “It’s the only way we can sort this out.” I could see it from their point of view: A building on fire (probably arson), multiple murder attempts, people assaulted and no clear idea what the hell was going on. I would have arrested everyone, too. A short while passed and we were loaded into vans under guard and taken to Maidstone Police Station.

Good plan arrest them all and sort it out at the station....bet the firebugs are long gone

Before he could get to her though, she swung her bag and smacked Ambrogio upside his head accompanied by a roar of, “Take that, you smarmy twat!” His head jerked slightly to the side as the bag connected, but he reacted fast and the arm that had been reaching for her hand now snapped out and grabbed her around the wrist. A handbag swung by an old lady was never going to have any real effect. However, as the bag fell away it revealed a knitting needle poking from the side of his skull with a ball of yarn hanging from it. Mum liked to knit clothes for orphaned children and donated her products to the local church; she took the knitting kit everywhere and now it was impaled in Ambrogio's head.

Mom with a well smacked purse... knitting needles to the rescue

I pondered that briefly and came to three conclusions: Firstly, Poison was a strong, independent woman who did not need a man to get her home safely. Secondly, I had a suspicion that had I escorted her to her door she would have dragged me through it and shagged me senseless; I was not sure I really wanted to pursue the undeniably attractive, but most definitely half my age, sex strumpet that I would continue to bump into on a regular basis no matter how the event went. Thirdly, had I turned up at my house with Poison in tow, wearing muddy spandex and sporting face piercings, my mother's head would have rotated clean off her shoulders.

Did that Ambrogio. guy who attack Tempest's parents hsve a minion grab Poison??

Before she left, I’d asked her a couple of final questions, “Demedicus was found to have human blood from one of the victims on his clothing. If Ambrogio is killing people and only the Senior Council can get hold of it, how do you suppose he got some? Could it be that he found out what it was because of his close ties as an acolyte?” I was fleshing out ideas in my own head not expecting Angela to know either way. She surprised me though because she knew the answers exactly. “Demedicus told me about it. He had a thing for me, I guess. It was obvious from the first time we met at the club. I got drunk and kissed him and after that, he was convinced we were meant to be together.” I was making notes hurriedly, but as she paused for breath I looked up and encouraged her to go on. “He came to me about a week ago and said that the Senior Council were drinking human blood and that he had got some for us both to drink. He brought it to me in a silver chalice and said he’d overheard Ambrogio talking to the Senior Council members and telling them that drinking the blood of his victims would start the turn and that it would imbue them with extra strength and faster reactions. He was completely mad for the idea that we would gain superhuman strength and power by drinking it. I said that I didn’t want to. I had no idea it was really human blood. I thought it was all just make believe until the police confirmed they found human blood from the murder victims on his clothes.” “Hold on…” I...

Angela knows way too much about the vampire group....if they are watching Tempest won't they know she was in the office???

Three seconds and both were down. I sprang back to face Vermont, but he was still stood where he had been, just as impassive as ever. I dropped my hands back to my sides and stood up straight once more, breathing a little harder than before. “You do amuse me, Mr. Michaels. I shall pray that you don’t get killed on my watch. Come along, chaps,” he commanded. Then he turned and walked out the door, clearly believing that proceedings had been concluded.

Vermont not into fighting himself

“The culprit has left no physical evidence that anyone has yet found, the countryside is littered with hunters trying to capture the supposed Big Foot and no further sightings have been made which means the man inside the suit has gone to ground or has abandoned his pretence. This is going to take some time. You assured me three days and it has been barely twenty-four hours.” “You have three days,” she snapped and then hung up. Mrs. Sweeting-Brand was easy to dislike.

Big Foot case on bsck burner but mom still wants progress and a culprit to sue

A moment passed and when no one appeared to be coming over the wall behind to reach me I began to get up again to see where they were. Then the door in the wall opened and Frank walked through it, head ducked slightly, followed by Big Ben who was more or less bent double to get through. “It was unlocked,” Frank said, somewhat redundantly.

Way to go Frank...duh check that things are locked

And then suddenly Frank tore from my grasp, pushed an arm across my body in a bid to lever himself in front of me and appeared from under my left arm brandishing a crucifix. Obsidian cried out and shielded his eyes. He backed away from Frank as he advanced. He backed away as if the crucifix was painful to see. As I bent to pull Big Ben back to his feet, Frank spun back and away from Obsidian to vampire douchebag number two and then to the other four vampire dicks, all of which were keeping their distance from the terrible effect of the crucifix. This is ridiculous. But since it is working why challenge it?

Crusufix ...legendary weapon to repell

Then suddenly it was light in the room again as the door was opened once more and for the first time, and despite myself, I was pleased to see Vermont Wensdale and his two flunkies.

Vermont must have been following Tempest and crew

Before my brain could even consider the question and any options, I heard Obsidian behind me again. “I’m not a vampire! I’m not a vampire!” he was yelling repeatedly.

Not so brave now Nigal??

“Very well, Mr. Michaels. It would seem that these fellows are indeed not yet full vampires. You may proceed.” “I am a vampire,” came the voice of the one that was still conscious, although he’d made no move to get up yet. I bent down to him just as Vermont’s stake hand twitched again. “If you are a vampire, you are about to get staked.” “Oh,” he said in a rather disappointed voice. “In that case, I might not be after all.”

Gee not looking to get staked as a tru vampire

“Louis, the police are on their way, and they will have questions about the kidnap of a young woman. Where is she? You need to tell me so that I can find her before Obsidian or Ambrogio hurt her.” I was using a calm and soothing tone in a bid to get him to give up the information willingly. If he didn’t, I was likely to grab his nuts and make them touch his nose.

Ouch that sounds very painful

Protesting our innocence made no difference at all. Big Ben, Frank and I were all cuffed within seconds and led from the mausoleum as were Vermont and his flunkies. Ironically it was the three idiots from the Brotherhood of the Dead that received the best treatment as their injuries were attended to. Our injuries could wait it had seemed.

If it bleeds it leads...pain and suffering trump good guy antics

It had been castle staff that had called the police when they saw us coming in over the wall - so much for stealthy movement. Amanda said the report of two men, in what was reported as tactical gear, had triggered all kinds of alarms and it had been an anti-terrorist squad that had turned up to arrest us. Frank said nothing as this information was delivered. I made a mental note to listen to Frank more often.

Frank said the tactical gear was too much LOL but it probably saved their ribs somewhat

It was Poison! She was bleeding. That was my first thought, my second was that she was holding one of the dogs, both hands gripping its body while it tried to lick her face. Then her eyes focused on Ambrogio, and she screamed. The scream was incredible. She was staring at Ambrogio, eyes huge and mouth open, screaming from the very base of her soul. The scream ended when either shock took over or she ran out of breath, but neither I nor Ambrogio had moved in the seconds that passed. Then a whole load of things happened very quickly.

Well he found Poison and she's bleeding and still able to scream

My brain exploded, all my emotions coming at once. The dogs! Dead? Injured? If I needed a boost to overcome this guy, then now I had it. Any coherent thought of what attack to lead with, how best to pin him or disable him were all gone. He was moving forward towards Poison again. I was insignificant it seemed, forgotten. Good.

OMG he hurt Bull and Dozer

The fellow was neatly impaled through the chest by an old wooden fence post. The exact same one I had tried to put back into position earlier this week. He hung limply with the post sticking out through his back. It had not broken through the material of his shirt though, so was forming a tent with the cloth. The shirt he had on was soaked down the back with blood which shone darkly in the moonlight. The stake protruded perhaps twelve inches from his back, my guess was that it killed him instantly as he ran onto it in the dark.

Wow Ambrogio didn't burst into dust!!! Scam artist

“Frank my friend, the police will be here soon, and they will be able to provide Ambrogio's real name once they have his fingerprints. There is probably a set of car keys in his front pocket and a wallet in his back pocket with bank cards, driving license and a loyalty card for Domino's pizza.” “Let’s find out shall we,” said Amanda who had silently re-joined us. I stood up again and fished for Bull's lead in my back pocket. “Any sign?” I asked, desperately hoping someone had found Dozer. “Nothing, Tempest,” her voice soft and caring. “There is a police boat coming down the river along with a SOCO team, so we can have a better look with the lights on the boat… and there will be plenty of light on the bank soon and more people to help you look.” she paused for a moment and turned her gaze to the body. “I should see if there is anything to identify him.”

Amanda didn't find Dozer :-(

Arthur had been running towards him, so Big Ben just continued the motion in a classic use of momentum. I watched with joy as he swivelled on his back foot and lifted Arthur up and then onwards towards the river. Arthur let out a panicked, “Aaaagh!” at a pitch far higher than he might have liked. It ended in a delightful splash a second or so later.

Big Ben tossed him into the water way to go

“Not this one,” insisted Amanda from the floor, causing Big Ben to pause. “Are you sure?” he asked, clearly disappointed. “Tempting though it is,” she said between laboured breaths, “This one is in handcuffs.” We heard the metal-on-metal sound of the ratchet mechanism shutting. “You fools! You must destroy the beast. You must, or he will rise to kill again.”

Amanda's a spoiled sport Vermont would have looked good in the water too

Before I could speak, Poison crossed the short distance between us and grabbed my face with both hands to kiss me. What I expected to be a peck on the lips, given that we were surrounded by people, was instead a full-on, passionate tongue to the back of my throat kiss which she broke off only when I pressed my hand against her. Poison was staring right into my eyes when her face got far enough away for me to see it. She dropped her hands and snuggled into me; her head tucked under my chin. I held her mostly because I did not know what else to do. Over the top of her head, Amanda was staring at me. I could not read her expression in the dark, though I silently cursed that she’d seen me kissing Poison and I knew then that despite Poison’s obvious charms, I could not allow my hope for sex to land me in her arms.

Poor Tempest got a full on lip lock but it wasn't from the fair Amanda

Quite what I expected to find I was unsure about, a nice big sign saying guilty would be nice, but before I could peer inside the now wide-open boot, Barry spoke. From behind me a voice said, “It's not in there, Mr. Michaels.” I spun around startled, to find Dr. Barry Bryson Ph.D. stood no more than five feet away holding a shotgun tightly in both hands. It was pointed down at an angle rather than at me, but he was clenching it tight from the white showing on his knuckles and he looked both stressed and upset.

So the Dr. wanted to drum up some more book sales by having people see the Blue Bell big foot

“How did you know?” “It was the footprint. The footprint was between the trees, and it is autumn. There are fallen leaves everywhere. The only way you could have found that footprint was by clearing away the leaves and making it yourself.”

Busted!!!

Mrs. Sweeting-Brand listened patiently while I explained how I had tracked down the culprit, as she liked to call him, then assured me that she would be following up the case with her own legal team. I immediately felt quite sorry for Dr. Bryson. Mrs. Sweeting-Brand thanked me for my efforts, which surprised me, but then chided that I shouldn’t have needed her pressure to get the job done, which I felt summed her up nicely.

Well she can sue Dr. Barry but the guy is broke

Pleasing though that news was, I was now faced with a conundrum I had never really had to consider before. A few short days ago I had no women in my life and now I was being pursued by Poison, Sharon, Hayley, and Natasha yet found myself drawn most strongly to Amanda. Mr. Wriggly voiced that he was happy for me to tackle all of them, either one at a time or all together - he was up for anything.

Tempest is going to have to fight off all the ladies ;-)