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I’d thought the memories of Valenciana nicked my heart, but that was nothing compared to the violent rip of it when I looked at Knight, realizing for the first time that he was going to break that piece of my heart he held hostage. Not maliciously, no, and definitely not intentionally. But it didn’t matter. Hit-and-run or struck by lightning—a death was a death. A heartbreak was a heartbreak. Pain was pain.
“Moonshine,” he whispered. “You fill up the empty, dark space—like the moon owns the sky. It is quiet. It is bright. It doesn’t need to be a ball of flame to be noticed. It simply exists. It forever glows.” He’d called me Moonshine every single day since. I called him nothing, because I didn’t speak. Maybe that’s how he knew, all those years later, that I’d lied—by omission. He wasn’t nothing. He was my everything.
She’d asked me not to break her heart, and I’d gone and done it, even before our kiss had ended. Frantic, I’d grabbed her wrist. She’d spun around, her waterfall gray eyes breathing fire I knew would leave blisters on my memory. I’d let go of her immediately. She’d raised her finger between us, warning me not to get closer, before launching into the longest speech I’d ever seen her sign: “I love you, Knight Cole. More than anything. Maybe even more than myself. But I don’t trust you with my heart. And when you hurt me like this, I feel little and vindictive. So vindictive, you shouldn’t trust
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Vaughn being Vaughn, he just stood there for the first few seconds, like a fucking creeper, staring at the three of us. No hi. No good morning. Nothing. Asshole had the social skills of a Post-It note. It went to show that high school students were a special breed of idiots, because dude was actually popular.
“Not to talk, of course. You’re too precious for talking, aren’t you, Luna? But maybe to suck his dick?” Knight cocked his head sideways, his eyes dead. “C’mon, Luna, is that what it is? You tasted dick and realized how good it is, and now you can’t get enough?” I turned around and started for my bike, dashing down the road. He grabbed my arm and spun me around. “Let go, or I’ll slap you again.” “I’ll take your wrath over your indifference,” he deadpanned, unblinking. “I’m not giving you a choice.” “Would people stop saying that? There’s always a fucking choice.” He threw his head back,
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“Know what the problem with your generation is? You refuse to understand that love has a price. That’s what makes it significant, pungent, rich. It costs you anger, jealousy, heartbreak, time, money, health…” He stopped, snarling at his last word like a wounded beast. I looked away. Watching my dad love my mom sometimes felt like watching a chest being shredded open, the heart still beating inside. It was too raw, too real. “Food for thought—is she worth it? You have to pay your dues, you see.” I snorted, thinking about what he was going through with Mom. “No one is.” He clapped a hand on my
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“You only get one life, Luna. One stab at this thing called happiness. Why deprive yourself of things you want just because they weren’t given to you the way you hoped for them to come? Life is like a book, a long chain of scenes threaded together by circumstances and fate. You never know how thick or thin your book is, so you better make the most out of every scene, enjoy each chapter.”
“Knight Jameson Cole, you do not get to drink your troubles away and talk to me like this. I’m worried, you understand?” I turned around, chuckling in her face. The laughter made my stomach feel even emptier. “No. I don’t. You’re nothing to me. A simple no one who has yet to understand her role in my life. My mother—my real mother—is dying in the hospital, and the girl I love is on the other side of the continent, fucking some douchebag named FUCKING JOSH she thinks she fell in love with. And I’m putting up with this shit and keep chasing her ass because…because…because I can’t not have her in
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Answer me for fuck’s sake. Seriously? It was just a bit of fooling around. Nothing has changed. You’re still my best friend. And my only lover. And the reason I woke up every day instead of giving up. I had to keep her in my life, even at the price of making said life unbearable. She could still have FUCKING JOSH. Fuck him. Love him. Build a shrine to him. And I’d still be here. Waiting. Pining. Watching the time stretch between us, like an endless ocean.
“I do. I love her.” I paused. “I love her, but I’m not sure I know her anymore.” “You love her, but maybe despite growing up together, you also grew apart?” I shook my head. No. That wasn’t it. “I can’t outgrow Luna. It’s like outgrowing your heart. Impossible. It grows with you. What do I do?” I ran my hand across my close-shaved jaw. “What the fuck do I do, Mom?” “Well, that’s an easy one.” She smiled. “You go after her. You grovel. You win your girl back. Life’s too short not to be with the person you love.”
“Can I tell you a secret?” she whispered into my shirt, sending warm breath to my chest through the fabric. I didn’t say anything. Of course she could. “I love your brother and your father more than I love myself. I would die for them. Fight for them until the bitter end. Go against the whole world for them. But you…” She dragged her face up to look at me. Her eyes were full of tears. “I’ve always loved you just a tiny bit more. My regal, rebel boy. My legendary hellraiser, my sad prince, my unlikely savior, my beautiful, broken Knight.” I gulped, looking down at her. Don’t say it. Don’t say
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“The morning after I snuck into your room, I saw the letter you wrote to FUCKING JOSH. I didn’t open it. Just held it toward the sun so I could read whatever I could get from it. You said you loved him. After I left, I spent all this time dissecting what you said, and I realized you never told him you’re in love with him. You choose words so carefully and intelligently, Luna. I knew this wasn’t a mistake. You understand the meaning of words. That’s why you don’t use them lightly. That meant I still had a chance. And I figured, I’m losing my mom. I’m not ready to lose my best friend, too. I’m
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“You didn’t do it on purpose. We break things all the time. It’s called life. If you don’t break, you don’t live. You don’t move. You don’t try. You don’t take chances. Breaking is a part of living. FUCKING JOSH will move on. He has to. You need to understand that sometimes, the consequences of your actions are destructive. You need to forgive yourself and make sure the other person knows you’re sorry. You can’t do more than that. You’re not responsible for someone else’s happiness.”
I love you, I told her in my head. I love you, I love you, I love you. For some reason, it was important for me to hear her say it first. I was so obviously blindly, pathetically in love with her, I needed her to show me this meant something for her, too. Her mouth opened. My goddamn heart was about to burst. “Ride or die,” she whispered. I smiled, my disappointment leaking through the cracks of my soul. “Ride or die, Moonshine.”
I love you, I told her in my head. I love you, I love you, I love you. For some reason, it was important for me to hear her say it first. I was so obviously blindly, pathetically in love with her, I needed her to show me this meant something for her, too. Her mouth opened. My goddamn heart was about to burst. “Ride or die,” she whispered. I smiled, my disappointment leaking through the cracks of my soul. “Ride or die, Moonshine.”
“What the fuck is your problem?” “You’re my problem!” he seethed, baring his teeth. “Your attitude is my problem. Your selfishness, to just up and…and…leave for a girl,” he spat the word out, his breath ragged as he flung his big arms in the air, pushing away from me. “You know what my problem is? My problem is your mom is not okay, and here you are, drinking and smoking yourself to death, thinking we don’t know. Thinking we don’t care. When, put simply, I’m trying to extinguish the fires in my life one at a time. My house is on fucking fire, Knight,”
“Rose Leblanc, you can’t die on me now. We still have a lot of work to do. Knight is out of control. Lev is too sensitive and emotional to grow up without a mother. And what about Emilia? What about our friends? Vicious, Trent, and Jaime will try to drag me out of the house to meet people—maybe fix me up with someone. I’ll start drinking, I swear. I’ll ruin all the progress we’ve made together.” Pause. My heart broke for him. It didn’t matter that I was still furious with him for how he’d treated Lev. Or me. Or the entire universe, for that matter. Another growl left his mouth. “Take me with
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I took a step forward and scooped his hand in mine. It was heavy and big. I couldn’t believe these hands weren’t going to touch and caress and pleasure me any time soon. Maybe not ever. I hoped to hell the plan was going to work, because there was a lot at stake. Two hearts, two lives, and too many missed opportunities. “I can’t live without you,” he croaked, flipping my palm so it faced him and putting it to his lips, tracing every line inside it with his hot mouth. “So don’t.” “But I also can’t contain all this pain, Moonshine.” He let out a desperate breath. I stared at him boldly, perhaps
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I just held him while he sobbed. I asked him to understand that even after I was gone, I still loved him, fiercely. Begged him not to feel the betrayal that can accompany the loss of a parent, to know that no part of me wanted to leave him and his brother and father behind. That I’d lived, breathed, and thrived because they were with me. That I’d fought for every day, until I couldn’t anymore, because they were worth the struggle.
“Can I give you one other piece of advice?” “Of course, Mom.” “The grudges you hold against people? Drop them. They’re not worth your anger. They keep you anchored to a place you shouldn’t be.” “Can you be more specific?” “No, I can’t. But I can tell you one last thing.” “Okay.” I took his hand. Put the back of it against my lips. Smiled through my tears. “Parents are not supposed to have favorites,” I started. I knew my confession wasn’t going to leave the walls of this room. Knight loved Lev with everything he had in him. He was a wonderful brother who’d volunteered to teach Levy’s entire
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“I’m scared,” I cried into Dean’s chest. Because I was. God, I was frightened. He stroked my hair and kissed the crown of my head. “Don’t be scared, my love. I promise I will watch over you, even when you’re there and I’m here. I promise this is not the end. I promise to come look for you in heaven. And if I’m destined to go the other way, I assure you, I’ll find someone to bribe so we can be roommates in hell.”
“Can you promise me something?” “Anything.” “I know I’m the love of your life. I feel very secure in this position. No one will ever take it away from me. I gave you two beautiful sons. I gave you a life worth living. I helped you overcome your addiction. No one will ever be able to replace me—” “So don’t ask to be replaced,” my husband cut me off, a jolt of chill twinging his otherwise soft voice. I felt his chest flexing and stiffening under my fingers. “And yet…” I raised my voice an octave. “I forbid you to spend the rest of your life miserable and alone. I refuse to shoulder this
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left. Her last words would forever remain carved on my heart. “The sun will shine tomorrow, my love. I know.” “Because it must?” I’d asked her. “Because it was the first thing Luna ever signed to me. When I did her braids sixteen years ago, I asked her if she was sad about her mother. She signed that it didn’t matter. That the sun would always see her to another day. And you know what? It did. Smart girl.” “She is,” I’d said. “Thank you.” My wife had smiled up at me. “For this life.” “Thank you,” I’d answered. “For making me worthy of giving it to you.”