Broken Knight (All Saints High, #2)

by L.J. Shen

She drew me into a hug. I sank into her arms. I didn’t want to kiss her. I wanted to zip open my skin and tuck her into me. Hide her from the world and keep her mine.

Ncnc

“My heart broke, not because I was sad, but because it swelled so much at the sight of you, I needed more space in it,”

Hhh

I’d thought the memories of Valenciana nicked my heart, but that was nothing compared to the violent rip of it when I looked at Knight, realizing for the first time that he was going to break that piece of my heart he held hostage. Not maliciously, no, and definitely not intentionally. But it didn’t matter. Hit-and-run or struck by lightning—a death was a death. A heartbreak was a heartbreak. Pain was pain.

Hfbf

We molded, like two distinct colors mixed together into something unique and true—a shade only we could paint with.

Hfhf

with me, continuously protected me, forever treated me like a queen, I knew he was everyone’s king, and I only reigned in a small part of his life.

Hhh

“Moonshine,” he whispered. “You fill up the empty, dark space—like the moon owns the sky. It is quiet. It is bright. It doesn’t need to be a ball of flame to be noticed. It simply exists. It forever glows.” He’d called me Moonshine every single day since. I called him nothing, because I didn’t speak. Maybe that’s how he knew, all those years later, that I’d lied—by omission. He wasn’t nothing. He was my everything.

Hhh

Luna Rexroth was beautiful. Sure. But so were a lot of other girls. Difference was, Luna carried her beauty like it was something borrowed. Carefully yet casually, not making a fuss about it. She wouldn’t stand in line for anyone, anywhere. She’d stand out, glowing with quiet pride.

Jjj

It wasn’t a secret I’d chop heads and bring down the sun for Luna Rexroth.

Jfhd

But Luna looked like nature. It was like kissing the entire fucking forest from our spot in the treehouse.

Jfjf

She’d asked me not to break her heart, and I’d gone and done it, even before our kiss had ended. Frantic, I’d grabbed her wrist. She’d spun around, her waterfall gray eyes breathing fire I knew would leave blisters on my memory. I’d let go of her immediately. She’d raised her finger between us, warning me not to get closer, before launching into the longest speech I’d ever seen her sign: “I love you, Knight Cole. More than anything. Maybe even more than myself. But I don’t trust you with my heart. And when you hurt me like this, I feel little and vindictive. So vindictive, you shouldn’t trust me with yours. Whatever it is, we need to kill it before it kills us, you understand? We can’t be together.”

Hfhf

There was still a dull pang of pain every time she as much as breathed in the direction of a guy who wasn’t me, but I’d learned how to control it over the years. Mostly.

Jfjf

“Don’t give me credit I don’t deserve. I work full-time for my dick and take orders directly from him,”

Hhh

That was the beer speaking, not me. But let’s be real—the beer wasn’t wrong. I was team beer until the bitter end. Beer had more balls than I did.

Hhh

Was it sick that I liked her frightened? Sheltered? Closed-off? Because it meant having more of her, and less competition.

Hhj

I may have had a whiskey brain, but my dick, for all intents and purposes, was sober as a priest and admiring my best friend’s feisty nature.

Hhh

I sometimes wondered what hurt more: Losing someone all of a sudden, like in a plane crash, or losing them piece by piece,

Uuu

I died a thousand deaths before I inflicted the slightest of pain on your beautiful, tarnished heart.”

Ghh

“The first words she ever speaks to me in her life, and she decides to break my heart with them. For the longest time, I wished I could unthink you. Unlove you. Unbreathe you. I think I finally can.”

Jfjf

Vaughn being Vaughn, he just stood there for the first few seconds, like a fucking creeper, staring at the three of us. No hi. No good morning. Nothing. Asshole had the social skills of a Post-It note. It went to show that high school students were a special breed of idiots, because dude was actually popular.

Hfjf

“Not to talk, of course. You’re too precious for talking, aren’t you, Luna? But maybe to suck his dick?” Knight cocked his head sideways, his eyes dead. “C’mon, Luna, is that what it is? You tasted dick and realized how good it is, and now you can’t get enough?” I turned around and started for my bike, dashing down the road. He grabbed my arm and spun me around. “Let go, or I’ll slap you again.” “I’ll take your wrath over your indifference,” he deadpanned, unblinking. “I’m not giving you a choice.” “Would people stop saying that? There’s always a fucking choice.” He threw his head back, laughing manically. “Are you drunk?” I scrunched my nose. “No,” he shot automatically. “You seem drunk.” “What makes you say that?” “When you’re drunk, you’re mean.” He was spiraling again. And I was talking to him. Again. Because I didn’t know how to stop. I didn’t know how to cut him out of my life, even when he cut me so deep. “You can’t half-ass a relationship, Knight. Either you’re in or you’re not. You’re with Poppy now, but you treat her like crap. Every time I’m in the room, you put your relationship with her on the back burner. You don’t let me move on without faulting me for talking, or flirting, or kissing other guys. Guess what? I can. More than that, I will. We had our chance, and we blew it. My fault. Your fault. Does it really matter now?” I spoke quickly, breathlessly, my chest rising and falling rapidly. “I will meet someone else. I will sleep with someone else. I will love...

Hfjf

“Know what the problem with your generation is? You refuse to understand that love has a price. That’s what makes it significant, pungent, rich. It costs you anger, jealousy, heartbreak, time, money, health…” He stopped, snarling at his last word like a wounded beast. I looked away. Watching my dad love my mom sometimes felt like watching a chest being shredded open, the heart still beating inside. It was too raw, too real. “Food for thought—is she worth it? You have to pay your dues, you see.” I snorted, thinking about what he was going through with Mom. “No one is.” He clapped a hand on my shoulder. “When you refuse to pay your dues to love, sometimes the price goes up. There’s an inflation, and you end up losing more than you’d bargained.”

Hjj

“You only get one life, Luna. One stab at this thing called happiness. Why deprive yourself of things you want just because they weren’t given to you the way you hoped for them to come? Life is like a book, a long chain of scenes threaded together by circumstances and fate. You never know how thick or thin your book is, so you better make the most out of every scene, enjoy each chapter.”

Dhhd

“If you think you’ve found something good without anything bad in it, it just means you haven’t examined it close enough.”

Jdhf

The rest of my friends were dumbasses with first-world problems and couldn’t relate to me if they had a fucking brain transplant.

Gvv

“Knight Jameson Cole, you do not get to drink your troubles away and talk to me like this. I’m worried, you understand?” I turned around, chuckling in her face. The laughter made my stomach feel even emptier. “No. I don’t. You’re nothing to me. A simple no one who has yet to understand her role in my life. My mother—my real mother—is dying in the hospital, and the girl I love is on the other side of the continent, fucking some douchebag named FUCKING JOSH she thinks she fell in love with. And I’m putting up with this shit and keep chasing her ass because…because…because I can’t not have her in my life. Don’t you understand?” I pushed her. Not aggressively, but enough to make her stumble away from me. “You did this to me. Now I’m this broken puppy begging for love. I would take any crumb Luna throws my way. I’d self-destruct in order not to deal with what’s waiting around the corner for Mom. You made unconditional love conditional for me. You fucked nature in the ass, Dixie. You don’t do that. You don’t mess with nature.”

Hhh

Answer me for fuck’s sake. Seriously? It was just a bit of fooling around. Nothing has changed. You’re still my best friend. And my only lover. And the reason I woke up every day instead of giving up. I had to keep her in my life, even at the price of making said life unbearable. She could still have FUCKING JOSH. Fuck him. Love him. Build a shrine to him. And I’d still be here. Waiting. Pining. Watching the time stretch between us, like an endless ocean.

Hhh

I can’t fucking breathe without thinking about life without you.

Hhh

“I do. I love her.” I paused. “I love her, but I’m not sure I know her anymore.” “You love her, but maybe despite growing up together, you also grew apart?” I shook my head. No. That wasn’t it. “I can’t outgrow Luna. It’s like outgrowing your heart. Impossible. It grows with you. What do I do?” I ran my hand across my close-shaved jaw. “What the fuck do I do, Mom?” “Well, that’s an easy one.” She smiled. “You go after her. You grovel. You win your girl back. Life’s too short not to be with the person you love.”

Hhh

“Can I tell you a secret?” she whispered into my shirt, sending warm breath to my chest through the fabric. I didn’t say anything. Of course she could. “I love your brother and your father more than I love myself. I would die for them. Fight for them until the bitter end. Go against the whole world for them. But you…” She dragged her face up to look at me. Her eyes were full of tears. “I’ve always loved you just a tiny bit more. My regal, rebel boy. My legendary hellraiser, my sad prince, my unlikely savior, my beautiful, broken Knight.” I gulped, looking down at her. Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t say it. But I couldn’t not say it. The moment seemed too real and raw. She brushed my cheek and gave me a smile so genuine and powerful, I thought it could outshine the sun. “What if tomorrow never comes?” I whispered. “Then, my darling boy, we’ll make the best of today.”

Hhhh

“The morning after I snuck into your room, I saw the letter you wrote to FUCKING JOSH. I didn’t open it. Just held it toward the sun so I could read whatever I could get from it. You said you loved him. After I left, I spent all this time dissecting what you said, and I realized you never told him you’re in love with him. You choose words so carefully and intelligently, Luna. I knew this wasn’t a mistake. You understand the meaning of words. That’s why you don’t use them lightly. That meant I still had a chance. And I figured, I’m losing my mom. I’m not ready to lose my best friend, too. I’m not going down without a fight, Luna. I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me. If it’s friendship—so be it.” “I don’t want to be your friend anymore,” I said, pulling away to catch his gaze. His face hardened, his lips thinning in pain. Only this time, the invincible mask didn’t harden around his face, like clay. I could see the full range of his emotions. Hurt. Terror. Anger. Annoyance. My beautiful best friend. From whom I kept a secret. A secret about his mother. You’re going to hell for this, Luna. “I see.” He frowned, trying not to sulk. “That’s cool.” But it wasn’t cool. We were never just cool. When we were together—we were blazing hot. “I want to be your girlfriend.”

Bhhj

“You didn’t do it on purpose. We break things all the time. It’s called life. If you don’t break, you don’t live. You don’t move. You don’t try. You don’t take chances. Breaking is a part of living. FUCKING JOSH will move on. He has to. You need to understand that sometimes, the consequences of your actions are destructive. You need to forgive yourself and make sure the other person knows you’re sorry. You can’t do more than that. You’re not responsible for someone else’s happiness.”

Hjj

I love you, I told her in my head. I love you, I love you, I love you. For some reason, it was important for me to hear her say it first. I was so obviously blindly, pathetically in love with her, I needed her to show me this meant something for her, too. Her mouth opened. My goddamn heart was about to burst. “Ride or die,” she whispered. I smiled, my disappointment leaking through the cracks of my soul. “Ride or die, Moonshine.”

Jjj

I love you, I told her in my head. I love you, I love you, I love you. For some reason, it was important for me to hear her say it first. I was so obviously blindly, pathetically in love with her, I needed her to show me this meant something for her, too. Her mouth opened. My goddamn heart was about to burst. “Ride or die,” she whispered. I smiled, my disappointment leaking through the cracks of my soul. “Ride or die, Moonshine.”

Nnj

“What the fuck is your problem?” “You’re my problem!” he seethed, baring his teeth. “Your attitude is my problem. Your selfishness, to just up and…and…leave for a girl,” he spat the word out, his breath ragged as he flung his big arms in the air, pushing away from me. “You know what my problem is? My problem is your mom is not okay, and here you are, drinking and smoking yourself to death, thinking we don’t know. Thinking we don’t care. When, put simply, I’m trying to extinguish the fires in my life one at a time. My house is on fucking fire, Knight,”

Hfhf

“You set me up for this,” I accused. “You gave me a family you knew was temporary.” “Newsflash, Knight. Life is temporary. Your mom could’ve been perfectly healthy and gotten run over by a truck ten years ago. Just because you take life for granted doesn’t mean it is.”

Jfjf

“Baby.” “Don’t baby me. I’m not your home. People don’t ruin their homes; they build them. They cherish them.” The ride back to the hospital reminded me of how I used to be before Boon. Completely silent.

Ydyd

“Rose Leblanc, you can’t die on me now. We still have a lot of work to do. Knight is out of control. Lev is too sensitive and emotional to grow up without a mother. And what about Emilia? What about our friends? Vicious, Trent, and Jaime will try to drag me out of the house to meet people—maybe fix me up with someone. I’ll start drinking, I swear. I’ll ruin all the progress we’ve made together.” Pause. My heart broke for him. It didn’t matter that I was still furious with him for how he’d treated Lev. Or me. Or the entire universe, for that matter. Another growl left his mouth. “Take me with you.” He whispered this time, broken and sad and resolute. “I don’t want to be here without you, Rose Leblanc.” I swallowed, looking down at my feet. He wanted to die. I got it. If Luna’s life was in danger, I’d want to go through whatever she was going through, too. “Ride or die,” I heard him say, and my eyes darted up in shock. What the fuck? It was the same as Luna and me. What were the odds? “Remember? We carved it on the tree in the forest before the kids butted into our shit and asked us to make a treehouse out of it? I never forgot, Baby Leblanc. Ride or die. There will be no one like you. Nothing like you. You’re a once in a lifetime experience, baby, and I’m the lucky bastard who got you.”

Hfhd

I loved that he cared more about Rosie than himself. At his core, Knight was inherently unselfish.

Jfjf

“What time is it?” To grow up, Knight. To collect the pieces of your broken spirit and patch them up for your family. For yourself. For me.

Jdjd

Every day of my life, since the moment I’d laid eyes on this broken, beautiful boy, I had dreamed of him being mine. And now that he was, I had to let him go.

Ygg

“What are you doing?” I whispered. “Chasing you,” he said tiredly, swinging his legs to the side of the bed, his feet hitting the floor. He looked like death—exhausted and pale, a far cry from his usual self. “That’s what you want, isn’t it, Luna? I always have to fight

Jfjf

“I told you I will not tolerate this behavior, Knight, and I won’t. I made a promise to your mother to take care of you. This is my way of taking care of you. This is your wake-up call.” “You’re the only thing I have left.” “You have your family.”

Hhdd

I took a step forward and scooped his hand in mine. It was heavy and big. I couldn’t believe these hands weren’t going to touch and caress and pleasure me any time soon. Maybe not ever. I hoped to hell the plan was going to work, because there was a lot at stake. Two hearts, two lives, and too many missed opportunities. “I can’t live without you,” he croaked, flipping my palm so it faced him and putting it to his lips, tracing every line inside it with his hot mouth. “So don’t.” “But I also can’t contain all this pain, Moonshine.” He let out a desperate breath. I stared at him boldly, perhaps more courageously than I ever had before. I could feel the strength oozing from me. “Then let me carry some of it, too.”

Bdhd

“Break for me, Levy. I want to hug away your pain.”

Hdjd

I just held him while he sobbed. I asked him to understand that even after I was gone, I still loved him, fiercely. Begged him not to feel the betrayal that can accompany the loss of a parent, to know that no part of me wanted to leave him and his brother and father behind. That I’d lived, breathed, and thrived because they were with me. That I’d fought for every day, until I couldn’t anymore, because they were worth the struggle.

Ndjd

When he stirred some time later, looked up and saw that I’d been watching him the whole time, he smiled. It was as though he needed this reassurance that I truly loved him. That I genuinely cared.

Hdhd

“Can I give you one other piece of advice?” “Of course, Mom.” “The grudges you hold against people? Drop them. They’re not worth your anger. They keep you anchored to a place you shouldn’t be.” “Can you be more specific?” “No, I can’t. But I can tell you one last thing.” “Okay.” I took his hand. Put the back of it against my lips. Smiled through my tears. “Parents are not supposed to have favorites,” I started. I knew my confession wasn’t going to leave the walls of this room. Knight loved Lev with everything he had in him. He was a wonderful brother who’d volunteered to teach Levy’s entire football team. He’d covered for Lev dozens of times when he’d sneaked into Bailey’s house, and vice versa. “But I do, Knight. I have a favorite. I love you so brutally, sometimes I’d lay awake at night wondering if you were the thing that kept me going when I couldn’t do it anymore. When the pain was too much. I don’t want you to ever feel you were less.” “I never felt that way.” He smiled calmly, cupping my cheeks and staring deep into my eyes. “I never felt like I didn’t belong. Not even for a hot second. I always knew you were my home. I’m just worried about what being homeless will do to me.” “You will never be homeless, my darling boy. You will always have a home. I will be with you, even after I draw my last breath. Remember, my love. The sun will rise tomorrow. It always does. And don’t you dare live one day of your life without basking in its glory. If you truly love me, you wil...

Hdhd

“I’m scared,” I cried into Dean’s chest. Because I was. God, I was frightened. He stroked my hair and kissed the crown of my head. “Don’t be scared, my love. I promise I will watch over you, even when you’re there and I’m here. I promise this is not the end. I promise to come look for you in heaven. And if I’m destined to go the other way, I assure you, I’ll find someone to bribe so we can be roommates in hell.”

Jfjf

“Can you promise me something?” “Anything.” “I know I’m the love of your life. I feel very secure in this position. No one will ever take it away from me. I gave you two beautiful sons. I gave you a life worth living. I helped you overcome your addiction. No one will ever be able to replace me—” “So don’t ask to be replaced,” my husband cut me off, a jolt of chill twinging his otherwise soft voice. I felt his chest flexing and stiffening under my fingers. “And yet…” I raised my voice an octave. “I forbid you to spend the rest of your life miserable and alone. I refuse to shoulder this responsibility. You’re young, gorgeous, and amazing. You will need some help with the boys. You will find someone else. Promise me that.” “No.” “Dean.” “I’m sorry. I can’t promise you I’ll let anyone else in. I’m all out of heart space. It’s you and the kids. Just because you’re about to leave doesn’t mean you’ll leave here.” He pounded his fist to his chest. “You think I didn’t know this was a possibility?” He motioned between us, his voice steady. “I knew. I knew this could happen. And I still fought to be with you. I’m at peace with that, Baby Leblanc.”

Jdjd

left. Her last words would forever remain carved on my heart. “The sun will shine tomorrow, my love. I know.” “Because it must?” I’d asked her. “Because it was the first thing Luna ever signed to me. When I did her braids sixteen years ago, I asked her if she was sad about her mother. She signed that it didn’t matter. That the sun would always see her to another day. And you know what? It did. Smart girl.” “She is,” I’d said. “Thank you.” My wife had smiled up at me. “For this life.” “Thank you,” I’d answered. “For making me worthy of giving it to you.”

Hhh