Broken Knight (All Saints High, #2)

by L.J. Shen

“Josh. Joshua. Whatever you want to call me, really. Just as long as you do.”

Sometimes, he’d buy me hot cocoa and put it outside the door, knowing how embarrassed I was to be given things.

And he was. But he wasn’t Knight.

But sure, I would try to be less clumsy. Less quiet. Less of a screw up. More normal. Less dead on the inside. Because that’s what it felt like—seeing Knight moving on with another girl.

Knight wanted to keep me small and his, and the dumbass that I was—I’d let him have his way. But not anymore.

But Josh wasn’t like that. Josh didn’t have enough baggage to keep an airport busy.

We finished our drinks and led Onyx outside. I knew what we were doing was wrong, and that if the owners found out, they’d behead Josh and fire me from my volunteer work. But it was difficult to deny ourselves things when we already felt so robbed—robbed of our voices, our ability to speak our minds, robbed of being normal.

The world tilted, turning upside down, and as my stomach flipped, even I had to admit—he felt almost as good as the real thing.

“I’m a virgin, but I want this.” “Luna…” “I’m tired of feeling precious, Josh.”

Knight: I can’t wait to hold you. x

I’d been watering the plants for forty minutes. The fuckers drowned some time ago. If I wasn’t careful, we’d have a second pool in our front yard.

Look, I was mad. Okay, fucking furious, more like. Luna had left. She’d just left. I bailed on her ass one miserable night to show her that, in fact, it wasn’t cool to slap me because she was a Jelly Nelly, and she’d. Fucking. Left.

She loved half-baking shit. Lived for the batter. I liked that she liked imperfections. It made believing she actually loved me easier.

I tramped back into the house, peeling my clothes off on my way upstairs and throwing them on the floor. I didn’t want to admit how weak I was for Luna. It was pathetic. And unstoppable.

“Hey, I know your birth mom sucks ass, but here’s an amazing, one-in-a-lifetime mother. But here’s the real kicker, boy—she’s a temporary mom. She’ll die in a bit. That’ll show you to appreciate people!” Yeah, screw you, Karma.

They used the word smitten because batshit crazy wasn’t cute. But everyone knew I was smitten with chicken wings and vintage Tumblr porn, not with Luna. With Luna, I was in fucking everything. Love. Lust. Obsession. Take your pick.

That wasn’t a true representation of how I’d spent the last four months, and I needed her to know that.

“You’re so bad.” She chuckled, shaking her head. “You’re so good.” “What’s wrong with being good?” “Less easy to corrupt.” Silence.

“Ask me again,” I said. “What’s wrong with being good?” She rolled her eyes. “Nothing,” I answered quietly. “Nothing is wrong with you, Moonshine.”

I wrapped my arms around her and inhaled her shampoo, and skin, and entire being, squeezing my eyes shut and thinking, home. How could she feel like home?

I wanted to tell her: You need to come back. Or maybe we can do the long-distance shit. I don’t care. But you slapped me, and that meant something. It meant that you care.

I also wanted to say, I know you don’t believe this could work, but not trying is no longer an option. For four months I’ve wanted to give you this ultimatum, but it felt weird to do it through Skype. But now you’re here, and I’m not letting you go before we sort this shit out.

Then I wanted to add, I kissed another girl in front of everyone, and it felt like cheating. And to promise her, It ...

Luna gave him…what, exactly? Her virginity? Yeah, bro. No fucking way. That belonged to me.

I was going out on a limb here and guessing it wasn’t a gift card from fucking Target.

I would never hurt Luna physically. But I didn’t trust myself not to say something that would bury her. I didn’t trust myself not to tear her fucking house down, brick by brick, and ruin everything in her life like she’d ruined me.

Good thing she didn’t get us friendship bracelets with hearts and unicorns. I’d probably wear that shit, too, just to see a smile on her face.

Don’t knock again. Don’t knock again. Don’t, Luna. Don’t.

For the first time in almost eighteen years, I knew Luna and I faced something I couldn’t fix. Something I didn’t want to fix. I was fucking done.

“Wow, Lunatic. You’re really pretty.” Racer squeezed my waist, looking up to scrutinize my face with his big, cobalt eyes.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m here.” She clutched me to her chest, whispering in my ear, “I will always be here. I love you.”

And all of a sudden my only wish was…what? To get Knight back? He was never mine to begin with. To beg for his forgiveness?

“How’s college?” I smiled, pointing at him. He shrugged. “I’m happy wherever she is.”

That sounded like something Josh would say. Suddenly, I missed Josh. Josh, whose only sin was to be the cause of my rift with Knight.

I realized it didn’t matter if it was fair or not; Knight wasn’t faking the pain. He was devastated, and I couldn’t deny his feelings, no matter how hypocritical it was of him to act on them. The heart doesn’t ask for permission to feel things. It simply feels.

“Now, now, Moonshine. You’re not like your little boyfriend, Josh Cooper. You have vocal cords, and if you’re too pussy to use them, you obviously don’t want to patch shit up badly enough.”

“Remember, Knight. She can talk. Make her.”

“He’s right.” Knight licked his lips, growling. “You can, and you will. If you want me in your life, that is.”

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. He smiled devilishly. I never knew he could be like this. So cold. So mean. Such a bully.

“Not up for it, Moonshine? Let’s try another tactic. Was he good?” he sneered, his tone dark and low, his breath fanni...

The answer, by the way, was no. It wasn’t that Josh wasn’t good or gentle—he was both those things. It just hurt too much. Physically. Mentally.

He’d hurt me, so I hurt him back.

“Did you think of me when he fucked you?”

“Tell me, did he fuck you hard, or slow? Probably slow, huh? Josh Cooper seems like a nice chap. A good, solid…”

“It was a mistake!”

I swiveled around. He let me. His eyes widened for a moment. I’d given him what he wanted, my words, and now he didn’t know what to do with them. Frankly, neither did I. Crap, I’d talked.

I’d talked to Knight. I’d said something. Produced words from my mouth. Jesus Christ. I’d done it. I did it.

And it hadn’t been to tell him I loved him, that I wanted him, that I’d ached for him for years. We were fighting. Breaking. Putting an...

“It. Was. A. Mistake. Not the part where I gave Josh a chance—but that I did it for the wrong reasons, while drinking.”

“Knight…” I said his name. Another different word. A word I’d practiced in secret for years.