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“You know what I’m saying, Willa. Life doesn’t live itself for you, and nothing is promised to us. You have a lot to offer, so much to experience. I don’t want you to miss it because of me.”
Something knots in my chest as I read those words. It’s like he expects to be discarded because someone might find him inconvenient.
I thought I was past grieving what I lost, but maybe grief isn’t linear. Maybe I can accept what I’ve lost and still mourn it. Maybe I always will.
The irony is not lost on me, that he’s the first man who’s ever truly made me feel heard in my life and he can’t hear a word I’m saying.
Your love is as hairpin-trigger as your temper, Willa Rose. You love selectively and passionately. You fight only the wars that are close to your heart.”
“Shut up your head,” she says. “I want you just fine, now kiss me again.”
Underneath that tough exterior and irascible temper is someone just trying to protect herself from getting hurt.
Being around her made me wake up and sit straighter. Simply existing in her sphere made my blood run hot, my heart beat hard.
I didn’t tell him that my fear is a tsunami building in its power, and I’m not sure I’ll stay intact when it finally crashes into my heart.
Sunshine’s in the Sunshine State. Good luck today, Willa. You’ve got this.
I’m frightened to admit what I feel when Ryder shows up with my comfort foods and open arms and that unspoken way of understanding me.
I’m ready to try again, and soon—I hope—I’m going to use my voice. Because while silence has healed me, while silence has always been my friend, and I will always need it, I want the choice to hear as much as I can, to speak when I want, to communicate in whatever way suits me best.
How do I tell Willa I want this to be just the beginning?
You push people away when they want to be close to you.”
“But, Sunshine,” I mutter to the empty room, “what if I need you?”
I can’t be vulnerable when I’m about to go through the worst pain of my life as I say goodbye to Mama. I can’t fracture my soul into another piece and give it to someone else, just to have to say goodbye to him, too. “Lumberjack, if I gave it to anyone, it would be you. But I can’t.” His face tightens. One large hand wraps around my waist. “Give me what?” I press on tiptoe and kiss just above his beard, as I tell him, “Everything.”
“We had a whole Beauty and the Beast thing going. I had to make sure you liked me for my stunning personality, not my mom’s cheekbones.”
“You took the time you needed, Willa. I was always going to be here waiting.” She nods and sniffles again. “I know. I knew that. And that meant…a lot. Thanks for all the food, too. And the back rub. And playing with my hair like Mama—” Her voice catches. “She did that for you?” Willa nods. “She also whistled at my games, like you have.”
He’d be very easy to fall in love with. If I did that sort of thing. Which I don’t.
“I’m scared too, Sunshine. This is vulnerable shit.” His mouth is a breath away from mine. “I just know I’d rather be afraid with you than fearless with anyone else.”
“I want Ryder Stellan Bergman. Flannel king and fearless mountain man. I want my Business Math buddy. I want the guy who ruins guacamole and who knows how to touch my hair. I want the asshole who whistles at my games and hugs me so hard my lungs feel like they’ll pop.” She swallows. “I love that feeling when you’re so close to pushing too hard, squeezing too tight, then you know exactly when to stop. You know when to battle and when to say sorry.” My breath comes out jagged. My heart is smashed in a vise of emotions that Willa’s words only twist tighter. “I want Ryder who read to my dying
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“You said you needed time, and I’ll give you all the time you need, Sunshine. I’ll wait until you’re done winning Olympic golds, then, when you’re ready, I want crazy-haired angry ankle-biters running around.”
