The Great Alone

by Kristin Hannah

It felt to her as if her family stood poised on the edge of a great precipice that could collapse at any second, crumble away

she’d sometimes wondered what good all those sorries were if nothing ever changed,

reshaping her needs to match his,

She always did as she was told. It made life easier.

It’s a man’s world, baby girl.”

old enough to know that like all fairy tales, theirs was filled with thickets and dark places and broken dreams, and runaway girls.

They took turns being strong. It was how they’d gotten through the war years.

“And he’ll be happy this time.”

She could never tell him how it felt to live with a dad who scared you sometimes and a mother who loved him too much and made him prove how much he loved her in dangerous ways.

Dad blew his temper and Mama somehow encouraged it. Like maybe she needed to know how much he loved her all the time.

It hurt even more that he didn’t care about how much it hurt.

The weather was getting worse. And so was he.

it was like living with a wild animal.

It was exhausting to worry all the time, to study Dad’s every movement and the tone of his voice.

Anxiety had pulled the light from her eyes and the glow from her skin.

A girl was like a kite; without her mother’s strong, steady hold on the string, she might just float away, be lost somewhere among the clouds.

Dad hit her again, harder. When she hit the wall, he looked down, saw the blood on his knuckles, and stared at it.

Nowhere to run. Nothing you can do. But pretend sit and try not to feed the uproar

You were supposed to be safe in your own home, with your parents. They were supposed to protect you from the dangers outside.

He didn’t mean to do that. He just … loves me too much sometimes.”

Mama’s bruises, her always saying, I’m clumsy. She had hidden this ugly truth from Leni for years.

“We have to understand and forgive,” Mama said. “That’s how you love someone who’s sick. Someone who is struggling. It’s like he has cancer. That’s how you have to think of it. He’ll get better. He will. He loves us so much.”

as if her tears watered this ugliness, made it grow.

All this time, Dad had taught Leni how dangerous the outside world was. The truth was that the biggest danger of all was in her own home.

heard the words behind the words, the please let’s pretend that formed a dangerous pact.

Mama wanted to induct Leni into some terrible, silent club to which Leni didn’t want to belong. She didn’t want to pretend what had happened was normal, but what was she—a kid—supposed to do about it?

Fear and shame she understood. Fear made you run and hide and shame made you stay quiet, but this anger wanted something else. Release.

She was judging her mother, and it felt disloyal. Cruel, even.

There it was: the sad truth. Mama loved him too much to leave him.

It eroded her anger, made her question everything again.

“I’m sick, Red. You know that.

It will never happen again. I swear it by how much I love you both.”

She wanted his regret, his shame and sadness to be enough for her. She wanted to follow her mother’s lead as she always had. She wanted to believe that last night had been some terrible anomaly and that it wouldn’t happen again.

she no longer felt safe in her home,

What they needed was help.

Do you think I could live with putting other people at risk? And … well…”

They were trapped, by environment and finances, but mostly by the sick, twisted love that bound her parents together.

Mama could never leave Dad, and Leni would never leave Mama. And Dad could never let them go. In this toxic knot that was their family, there was no escape for any of them.

And then she’d get a glimpse of him with tears in his eyes and the rage would turn soft and slide into something like forgiveness.

They had no idea what this little meeting would cost Mama. As soon as they left, he’d explode.

they studied Dad’s moods like scientists, noting the tiniest twitch of an eye that meant his anxiety was rising.

Her interference—she had learned the hard way—only made things worse for Mama.

You could always tell when Dad was gone. Everything was easier and more relaxed in his absence.

He never hit Mama in the face, or anywhere that a bruise could be seen.

But was she supposed to be trapped forever by her mother’s choice and her father’s rage?

they were just two broken people.

Leni’s heart would always have a broken place. It didn’t matter how you lost a parent or how great or shitty that parent was, a kid grieved forever.

He figured Leni would grieve for the dad she wanted.

she saw the effect her shouting had on Mama, how she instinctively shrank back.

Mama could change their situation, and she refused to do it.

Leni wondered if one person could ever really save another, or if it was the kind of thing you had to do for yourself.