Swimming in the Dark

by Tomasz Jedrowski

how worn his face, as if life had already claimed the best parts of him,

And just like then, the knot at the bottom of my belly—home to both fear and desire—stirred like an incoming tide.

During these days the shame inside me melted like a mint on my tongue, hardness releasing sweetness.

Having done only things she didn’t believe in, she must have been dead inside for years before her body finally gave up too.

All this time, I realize, I’ve lived like my departure was temporary, your words preventing me from ever really leaving or arriving. Despite Karolina’s letter, despite the marriage, I’ve held on to the idea of us, scanning faces for a scrap of something known, searching for the familiar in the alien. When really, the familiar had already turned alien, and home had ceased being home. Both have gone on living and changing without me.