The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

Showing up is what turns the people you know into your people

Showing up is the act of bearing witness to people’s joy, pain, and true selves; validating their experiences; easing their load; and communicating that they are not alone in this life.

There’s not much space for generosity, confidence, or vulnerability when you’re constantly worried about whether you have enough and are enough.

So, what does knowing yourself even mean? Being able to name the main qualities that make you you Having a clear sense of your core values and your priorities Knowing what you like and don’t like Identifying what makes you feel comfortable and uncomfortable Acknowledging what you are willing and unwilling to do Being aware of how you’re likely to react (or are reacting) in a given situation

If you’ve gone through life believing one story about yourself—either a story you invented, or one others wrote about you—it can be hard to suddenly stop and ask yourself if it’s actually true.

When I say acceptance, I mean bearing witness to what is true about yourself and your life—even the messy, painful, embarrassing parts—so you can respond to that reality. Acceptance is about being brave enough to look at who you are and not turning away or immediately looking for a fix when you don’t like what you see. It’s not about settling; after all, you may still want to make significant changes that will ultimately make your life better. It’s about grace—offering yourself compassion and mercy, even if you’re not totally convinced you deserve it.

Our values are incredibly important to who we are; they inform our priorities and decisions, guide our behaviors, and shape our relationships.

if your choices aren’t rooted in your values, it just means that someone else’s values will dictate what you do.

Acceptance

Adventure

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Positivity

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Self-expression

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If you don’t decide how you want to live your life, other people will decide for you.

Making space means you have to say no sometimes—no to your beloved friends, to your coworkers, to the things you “want” (but don’t really want), to the things you genuinely want (but not right this second), to your notifications and goddamn phone.

“Answer a single question, in writing, each night before bed: ‘As I look back on today, what did I do that was actually worth my time?’”

just because I can do something doesn’t mean I should.

I’ve finally begun to see the power and practicality in just doing a little bit less more often.

“a subjective state of mind in which the mind, isolated from input from other minds, works through a problem on its own.”

Taking medium-sized care of yourself is more important than avoiding low-key disappointing your friend.

If someone says they can’t afford to join you for dinner, don’t mentally catalogue all of the expensive shoes they own and the amount of five-dollar lattes you’ve seen them consume this week.

Sometimes, canceling plans is the best way to be a good friend—after all, you can’t fully show up for other people if you’re not taking care of yourself, and regularly attending hangouts when you aren’t up for it isn’t good for anyone.

staying in touch with people might actually be overrated.

“Replying to people feels like a full-time job.”

If you’ve already decided that someone upsets you, you don’t need more evidence.

not showing up for yourself isn’t a personal failing; it’s a natural consequence of the outrageous cultural expectations and deeply broken system we’re all operating within.