Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex

by Angela Chen

Selena is still with Georgia and has found other partners as well: a man named Daniel with whom she’s in a dominant/submissive relationship, and some people that she and Georgia both date. She has sex with some partners and not others. It all depends on the person and the context. “I think something that continues to strike me through all these relationships is how non-important sex can be, and how awesome it can be, but how insignificant it is compared to all of the other things,” Selena says. “I see sex as one of several hundred intimate things you can do, and just like every other one of the intimate things, it has its pros and cons and it’s certainly nowhere near the highest on the list. I prefer hair pulling over sex any day of the week, but that doesn’t mean I dislike sex if it’s done right. If it’s bad sex and no one knows how to do it, that’s not as enjoyable; it’s like getting whipped by someone who doesn’t know how to use a whip.” She’s grateful to have had those early conversations with Georgia and for the chance to learn all this about herself and others. She knows now that the people in the relationship get to decide how important sex is, and whether this is a challenge they can handle, and what they really care about in life and love. For Selena, sex can be unnecessary or it can be a way to enrich the relationships. It is never the goal.