Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex

by Angela Chen

I know people are suspicious of emotional desire for sex because they like to ask me whether it feels good when non-repulsed aces have sex. The question stems from curiosity, but also from worry that the lack of sexual attraction means that all sex is automatic pity sex, endured instead of enjoyed. The answer to the question of whether sex feels good for aces is sometimes yes and sometimes no, just like with allos. Many people, ace and allo alike, don’t feel a spontaneous desire for sex, but they start to feel that mental wanting once (consensual) physical touch is initiated and their body becomes aroused. This process, called responsive desire, is a slow warming-up, an “I know I’ll get into it once I start.”15 It’s common and often at the core of willing consent. Sex can feel good on a physical level without attraction; I’ve heard it described as “superior masturbation.” For others, the fact that the appeal is emotional or intellectual does not diminish its power.