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and then, when everyone's looking and you feel most ashamed, you can ignore me.”
“You can't help who you love,” I tell him as the elevator pings and the doors slide open. “But you can demand respect. Could you give it to me?”
“You're so … you, Karma. I fucking crave it.”
“That's why I hate that you like me back. You shouldn't. You deserve better.” “What if I don't want better? What if you're just what I want?”
kiss me like I matter.”
I'm just asking you to get lost with me.”
Please don't do this to me, I think, fear sweeping over me in a cold wave. Don't trick me again; I couldn't bear it.
“I got sick of playing pretend. You never do, no matter how hard or how long I play my parts, you just never show up to the act. Maybe I wanted to see what would happen if I didn't? Just for a minute.”
Love blooms like a rose inside my chest, complete with thorns, cutting me to pieces and leaving me to bleed to death. “Je t'appartiendrai malgré tout. Toujours,” he murmurs as I drift to sleep, wrapped up in Calix's arms and feeling his breath in my hair. Regardless, I’ll still belong to you. Always. I have no choice but to spend the next three days crying at home.
“If you want to fuck me to prove a point, I accept. Tell me you love me, and I'll believe it.” “I love you,” I say, but without an ounce of mirth, just a gentle frown and drying tears. Raz's expression is priceless; I've shocked the shit out of him.
“I'm running out of options, Raz,” I tell him, knowing he's going to misinterpret my words. “For how to do this, so why not just be honest from moment one? I love you.”
“I want you to look at me the way you always do, like you hate me. But I want you to do it holding my hand. Can you do that?”
“I've thought a lot of things about you over the years,” Raz starts, his voice hesitant as he eyes me with narrowed red eyes. “But invisible? You've never been invisible to me. I couldn't forget you if I tried.”
if you stay up long enough to see the sunrise, paint it.
We fucked on those crisp, white sheets, and you looked down at me like you would never leave.
But people are human, fallible creatures capable of beautiful destruction. We're also capable of selfless acts, acts of true love, acts of compassion.
“I can't decide if that's creepy or charming,”
I’m done with predictability; I want adventure. “I crashed my car into Calix's, ran into the store where Raz was, and threw my arms around his neck.” I grin as they gape at me,
“All this time, you knew.” “I knew.” Raz turns back to me, face dark, as serious as I've ever seen it. “But I didn't care. Because if Calix wasn't such a coward then you'd fall for him, and I wouldn't stand a chance. I'm a selfish, ugly bastard, Karma. I wanted him to fail. I wanted it more than anything.”
“That would make too much sense. It wouldn't be messy and bloody and stupid enough for me.
Sonja follows Luke behind the counter like a puppy. A very angry, very bitchy puppy, but a puppy, nonetheless.
It’s like he can’t bear to not be touching me, like if he doesn’t have a hand on me at all times, I’ll disappear like dandelion fluff in the wind. Too bad for me it’s the other way around. He’s the dream and I, I am stuck in a nightmare.
“I have little self-control on a good day. With you … I don’t have any.”
“I get what I want; you’re what I want. What is there to argue about?”
If I am in a Disney movie, then I’m most definitely the villain. Karma’s just managed to find the unreleased ending where I actually win the day.”
The universe is very clearly sending me a cheeky hello. I’d like to send a very cheeky fuck you in response.
Live to fight another day, right? Or die to fight one. Either way. Another day, it is.
If you can't find time to laugh loud enough to piss somebody else off, then you're not really living, now are you?
Clearly, the universe hates me. Why else would it do this to me? All I was trying to do was help. I just wanted to fucking help.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Sometimes I forget that I go to a school full of delinquents and psychopaths. Sometimes, but not often. I mean, they don't let me forget often enough.
“Karma is freedom,” Calix says with a small sigh. “She's empathy. She's everything I'm not.”
I'm strong, at least, I try to be strong, but holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.
I love you, I always have, I always will, and I'm sorry I've never told you how much I appreciate you
I'm done just barely standing up for myself; I will actively fight back from now on.
“You mean about loving you?” I respond, and I swear, all three of them lean back in their seats like they've just seen a nuclear explosion and are trying to avoid the fallout. “I meant it. I wasn't sure at first, but … life is short. Lying to other people is insane; lying to yourself is suicidal.”
“This is all hypothetical, of course.” “Of course,” I reply as Calix picks up his tea and stares into the cup like it holds all the answers.
I struggle to keep my jaw off the floor as he sweeps the cups, plates, and teapot off the table. Calix Knight … washing dishes. They say magic happens on Devils' Day. They must be right.
“You might be an artist, too. I just think you paint with words and cruelty.”
“You’re the only girl I care about being nice to,” Calix says, pausing for a moment and narrowing his eyes. “Although I don’t think I’ve ever managed to actually do that either.”
I follow his gaze and notice a shooting star streaking across the heavens. Scrambling to my feet, I make a wish with my whole heart. Please end my torment, but only if everyone around me is safe. Just let them be safe. That’s all I want. Even if the night ends in a clusterfuck, that’s all that matters.
Did I just do it? Did I just live the perfect day? I wonder, barely daring to breathe. Nobody died. Nobody fucking died.
Closing my eyes and letting my head fall forward, I pray for the universe to just take me. Send me to the next life or to heaven or hell or wherever it is that souls go because I can't take this anymore.
Fuck, this sucks. Why does it have to be this way? Why does today have to be my last day? But in my heart, I know it is. It’s time. “I forgive you,”
“You looked sad and lonely, Calix, and you're not allowed to look that way, not when I was willing to love you.” I glance up at him and smile tightly. It's just occurred to me that there's always at least one constant here: sacrifice. When one event in my life tends to go right, others tend to go south. I can't have it all; I have to choose. As much as I was loath to do it before, I'm ready now. It has to be today. “Not when I still do.” “Karma …” Calix starts, hesitating just briefly before he steps forward and curls his fingers around the glass of the window. “I’ve never stopped loving you.”
...more
They each wear a mask, but we can’t see it. Instead, it’s just the backs of their heads, and the little pieces of elastic. Because you never really know what’s a mask and what’s not, what someone’s true face is, unless they strip themselves bare and show you.
I’m going to miss you, Luke, I’m going to miss you so hard that no matter how many lives I live, you’ll always be my best friend.
The universe does not allow things to be tied up in a pretty bow. Everything is going right which means … something must go horribly wrong. Balance. Sacrifice.
Oh, and also, April sent you a cupcake but then she got hungry and ate it. She says you can remind her that she owes you one.”
For so long, I've just been trying to make it from one day to the next, without realizing that there's no end goal worth sacrificing the present for. I should've been living from day one, just … living.
I tried every other possible way. I've had so many perfect days, but somebody always pays the price for my happiness. There is no other way.
