What Lies Between Us

by John Marrs

I often wonder, what prevents him from going inside straight away? Perhaps he’s imagining a different life to the one beyond that front door. I can understand that; I often imagine my own alternative existence.

Untruths and unwillingness to communicate effectively, that’s how she and I function.

‘I can be on guard against my enemies, but God deliver me from my friends.’ I wonder if that includes family members too.

I keep most people at arm’s length for a reason. If you allow an emotional attachment to develop, eventually that person will disappoint you.

They might not mean to, but if a better opportunity comes along, they will always leave you for it. I’ve learned the hard way that people – even loved ones – are transient souls.

I’m not an ambitious woman and I make no apologies for it. Some of us just aren’t driven enough to climb the career ladder.

‘When you get older you’ll understand that sometimes appearances can be deceptive,’

‘You can never really know a person, no matter how much you love them.’

Of course I’ve considered suicide – who wouldn’t if they were me? But I am the only person in Nina’s life. No matter what hardships she puts me through, I can’t leave her alone.

And there’s a part of me that knows I need to be punished for what I have taken away from her.

I love her more than anything I have ever loved or will ever love again. And nothing she does will ever change that.

‘Your dad was the carrier of something called estroprosencephaly. And it means that if he has a daughter and she falls pregnant, her baby would be very, very poorly if it managed to survive the full nine months.’

As I watched her eat, I questioned whether forcing my daughter’s body to miscarry without her knowledge was the right thing to do.

You did the right thing, I repeat. In taking this away from her, I have given Nina so much more.

I don’t always have to like you, but I have never stopped loving you.’

He loved me, he looked after me, and he wanted what was best for me. He was my boyfriend, my best friend and my father all rolled into one.

I’m not a vindictive woman but I hope his end was a long, drawn-out, agonising affair.

He had tried to take my daughter away from me too, but I had snatched her back from under his nose. I had won, but I have paid for it with twenty-three years of guilt.

Perhaps beneath the snake’s surface lay a backbone after all.

The irony that he ended his days incarcerated is not lost on me. We have both been punished for the same crime – for loving Nina.

‘Sometimes we don’t know the people we think we are closest to.’

Which of her memories are as clear as day and which are a jumble of patchwork squares that she can’t sew together?

Because if she is serious, expert help might enable her to put two and two together. And I can’t have her realise the lengths to which I have gone to protect her.

don’t think she’s ready for this adult world but short of locking her in the attic, what else can I do?

Maybe I’m placing too much emphasis on trying to be her friend and not enough effort into being her mum.

Part of me feels ashamed of her; the rest blames myself and her dad for driving her to such brazen behaviour.

Our relationship is so fragile that pulling at any of the remaining threads that bind us might tear us apart for good.

I’m lucky to have such a good daughter. Some mothers aren’t so fortunate.’

I promise myself that when winter comes, I’ll throw water at that doorstep until it freezes. Then we’ll see how much use she gets out of the emergency alarm when she’s lying on her back with a broken hip and hypothermia.

I love the privacy this corner offers and I understand why Maggie chose it. It’s the one blind spot – and perfect for a grave.

You see, your daughter is a pleaser, she likes to keep people happy. Not you, of course. But she’s terrified that I’m going to disappear like her daddy did. And that means she’ll do anything I say to keep hold of me. And if that means lying about you, then she’ll do just that. Fuck with me and I’ll fuck you right back.’

Without hope, I have nothing. And I am not there yet. I have not given up.