When I asked her to define the difference between anger and cruelty, she said she viewed them as gradations of the same thing. I told her that learning to express anger was something else she needed in her survival toolbox. As I’d once explained to Danny, anger has a bad reputation. It’s a negotiation device that helps us stand up for ourselves, to say, in effect, “Get off my turf; you’re stomping on my sense of self. Stop crossing into my backyard.” Then it’s up to the other person to deal with your anger—to decide whether it’s a legitimate problem that requires a change in his or her
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