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Remembering is hard. I eventually gave up trying.
When I finally had processed everything, I was full, something that had never happened as far as I had been alive. Also, I had made a pun, another first for me.
“Don’t be sorry, be smart!
And before you attack my verbiage, my choice of words that is, a ‘Mob’ is a short way to say ‘dungeon monster’.” <Why not call it a ‘Dum’? For ‘dungeon monster’.> Where was she getting that abbreviation? “It just… It just isn’t,” Dani sputtered, seemingly exasperated.
I considered this for a moment. <I like bubbles. They make my puddle dance.>
Dani directed, stopping only because she ran out of breath. Truly impressive as she did not have lungs.
Deciding on a morningstar, Frank turned on Dale and demandingly grilled him, “You know how to use one of these?” It was essentially a stick with a spiked metal ball at the top. Dale tried to inject some humor, “Spikey ball goes into the enemy?” “Correct! I think we found the armament for you.” Frank grinned and handed the weapon over.
“Don’t be sorry. Just pay attention.
“Hmm. Dale, I’m gonna let you in on a secret to a long life. Never piss off your chef, your boss, or your wife. I even rhymed it for you. That’ll help ya remember. Also, when you get famous, never let someone make a song about you. Never ends well,” he advised sagely.
<You want me to try with air again?> “Why not?” <Because the last one exploded.> “It’s a figure of… Yes, try air again, Cal.”
From that point forward, it was decided; Dale would take turns sparring after lunch with someone so he could become an actually good fighter instead of just a subpar stick swinger.
Dale couldn’t imagine how long it would take to learn how to use something as complex as a sword in actual combat. Whack your enemy with a spiked ball on a stick? Perfect.
“Most people tend to only look at or think about things that have value to them at that moment. They look so hard at what they want that they drown out the beautiful things that would give them hope or allow them to look beyond their small lives. They lose sight of living, trying to get to the next goal, the next important thing. They forget that everything is important, that the little moments of happiness added up overwhelm the greatness of the few large moments. Like making a friend smile or making it to the two hundred and eighteenth page of a book. Sometimes, it isn’t about finishing your
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“I think you have a concussion, my friend.” “No, it’s a shield,” Josh assured him, holding it a little higher.
Woe is me that those I slay cannot be more financially stable.
“We had fun! We did other things too! He brought me to a pleasure house,” Dale chattered indignantly. “He did what?!” Craig gasped, turning and glaring at the man. “Not like that–” Hans tried to explain, glares directed at him. Dale continued talking over them, “I met a Madame. She gave us a discount because we went to her together, and she thinks her granddaughter would like to come train here.” “Hans, you disgusting pervert,” Josh coldly stated. “How could you do that to the lad? You went together? At the same time? With a grandmother?” “Well, how else do you do it? Who wants to do that
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<I want it to be BIG, Dani.> She snorted. “That’s what every male says.” <…Huh?> “Nothing. Explain.”
“Hold!” Dale commanded. “What is your name?” The warhammer came to rest on the ground. “My name? I bear the name of my father and my father’s father, for generations uncountable. We are the mighty hunters of the frozen north, giants among the men of humanity. I am what you call a ‘barbarian’,” He lifted his chin disdainfully. “I am the warrior known as Tom.” “Tom,” Hans sputtered. “Your name is Tom. All that build up and your name is Tom.” Tom squinted at him meaningfully, “Is this an issue?”
“It is going deeper inward!” Adam exclaimed in amazement. Hans nodded gravely. “That’s what she said.” “Rose did not utter a word,” Tom corrected him, confused by this turn of the conversation.
“A fight is not over until you are fighting the next one!” Tom declared what was obviously ancient barbarian wisdom. “Healing is as much a part of this battle as was my turning of those bunnies into flying orbs of goo!”
he had recently died. Although, obviously, he had gotten better.
“Stop right there, criminal scum!”
“Cal, this has to be the third-floor Boss. We’ll evolve the others first—let me play with the kitty!” she begged. “I name you Snowball, and all who face you shall feel your wrath!” she told the kitten seriously. It tiredly purred back at her. <Snowball? C’mon. Imagine this place in two weeks,> I pleaded. <‘Look out, it’s… Snowball! Yeah, ol’ Johnny got mauled by… Snowball.’ Heh. That… that’s actually hilarious. I’m in. Snowball it is.>
“Well your judgey-ness, all I have to say is this.” She started laughing very creepily. “If you are what you eat, I am an innocent man! Haahah!”
The spikes on the knuckles penetrated the unprotected flesh while the force enhancement helped drive them in powerfully. As soon as the spikes had broken the skin and driven in a bit, the liquid repulsion Rune activated perfectly—as I knew it would! The fluid in the man—water, fatty tissue, blood—was driven away from the impact site. Suddenly, there was no blood for the heart to pump, and the organ went into shock and quickly died. The pain must have been terrible. His muscles were no longer hydrated, which would have felt like a muscle cramp in every affected portion. Luckily for the man, the
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She took an unnecessary breath—she had no lungs.
The term ‘tips’ is an acronym for ‘to insure proper service’.
I am now fully focused. Let’s go kick this pig.” Tom cleared his throat. “Um. Art thou feeling proper? We go now to kill an overgrown rabbit, not a pig. If hallucinations or a fever are afflicting your person, we should seek a healer.” “He is fine, Tom,” Adam interjected, “That was a saying, and it means that he is ready and willing to go.” “Ah. That does make more sense now.”
<Dale? Can you hear me?> There was no reply, and no feelings of frustration from his end, so I knew that he was out of range. He was a big, seething ball of brain chemicals churning with barely controlled emotions under that tough front he put forward.
“I am very intelligent,” Dani noted breezily. <And humble as well,> I replied dryly. “I am afraid that virtue does not exist among my many talents.”
Dani was fascinated by the process and offered a few other minor details that I wouldn’t have ever thought about, like opening capillaries a tiny bit wider in her lips so they would be a brighter red or adjusting her eyebrow hair to be very thick, but only in a certain area. For some reason, she also had me remove the hair follicles anywhere that wasn’t on her head. Dani had strange concepts of what ‘fixing’ meant.
“Where do you think?” She broke into a smug grin. “Looks like you aren’t the only dungeon born around here anymore.” “What did you just call me?” Dale had never heard the term, though it sounded like it would make an amazing title for a book.
Lul
The words that actually left his mouth were closer to this, “Big angry Spirit! You water make us strong! We kill lazy humans, let guard down! You let us live here, make us strong, all our clan kill only for you! You no let people hurt us! Deals?” Dani couldn’t hear the meaning—only the words—so she had no idea why I responded as I did. <Many of you will die, day after day. I can make your clan large, strong, and numerous, but you will need to fight for survival almost every day. Do you still want to live here?> I questioned the Goblin Shaman. That is almost certainly what he had to be. He
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<Bob it is then. That is your new name, may you wear it well. Bob,
Some warrior with more money than brains had fallen and dropped a flaming sword. A flaming sword. It was ridiculous! Holding a shining sword in front of his eyes—while in a dark dungeon—had destroyed his night vision.
“We prefer meat when we can get it, cooked, unlike what others think of us. We eat vegetables, though not many if we can avoid it. The Orc blood in us does not do well with green foods. While they reduce our hunger, our body does not process it, and there is no gain on our part unless we are in dire need of pooping.”
My focus was instantly there, while Dani had to zip along the tunnels to join in the process. I always offered to share my thoughts, but she felt that seeing it for herself was important, like my thoughts were biased or something.
“I know you haven’t been getting enough sleep, and you’ve been training like you think assassins are after you. What’s different?” Dale shrugged at him with a grin. “Hey. It isn’t paranoia if they are actually out to get you.
Tom wore his sparse armor and looked completely normal. His nipples were unpleasantly puckered though, and Hans pretended he had to dodge them like a knife whenever Tom turned.
Hans glared at Dale. “If I die in here, and you find a statue of me, you’d better smash that shit. Especially if it is surrounded by bunnies and flowers.” “I’d rather take it to the capital and have it immortalized in their history museum.” Dale started walking deeper into the dungeon as Hans let out a squawk of rage.
Hans grimaced. “I really hope you can’t feel this.” A layer of fire appeared around his hand, and he gripped the open wound. The smell of charring flesh filled the air, and Dale had to struggle not to gag. Evan’s stomach rumbled as the aroma reached him. He looked around sheepishly as the others glanced his way. “Right, yeah, well. I have Orc blood in me. It’s not like I’m gonna go take a bite of him. Sheesh, bring me in front of the Protectorate.”
“That’s not silver, you brain-damaged, monster-loving bunny punchers! That’s aluminum!” Evan was almost drooling as he saw the processed ingots. Then a sick look crossed his face. “For the love of god, don’t sell that here or tell anyone where you got it! This floor will be overrun by Dwarves! They’ll look for ingots like that one by smashing rocks with their pickaxe-density erections if they get wind of the dungeon releasing processed aluminum!”
The next step was testing. I spaced the arches out and brought a Goblin in to test them for me. I’d have used rabbits, but they lack opposable thumbs. I wondered if I could fix that...? No, no, focus!
“My arm?” Tom roared. “What foul deeds have been done to me in my absence? Was I neutered as well?” Rose had a startled look on her face. “We… didn’t check?” “I’m not being literal! Get thyself away from my smallclothes, you!” Tom barked at a cleric that was reaching a bit too low.
If someone without a keygem walks into the portal, nothing happens… but I can’t guarantee that it won’t open as someone else walks in, which could be messy.> I paused to let him imagine things. <Messy, like they are suddenly very ‘pieceful’. Piece of him over here, piece of him over there.>
“You’re sure that the reason the Goblin Boss was so powerful was that I was going all out?” Hans glanced at Dale, waiting for confirmation. “Ninety-five percent,” Dale responded agreeably. “Does that mean ‘yes’?” Hans raised his eyebrow. Dale had forgotten that Dwarven mathematics was not common knowledge. “Err. Yeah, it means I am almost positive.” Tom nodded gravely. “It is good to be a positive person.”
“What do we get out of it?” Dale’s shoulders slumped. “A place to live, money, and power that is there for the taking? That isn’t enough?” “No!” “...What about half taxes for six months?” There was a pause as people took in his words, and faces lit up. A few people nodded, some clapped. Then a voice rang out! “…Death to the infected!” was the roar of bloodlust and greed following Dale’s offer.
Dani tried to shake me out of my melancholy, “Hey! Listen!” <Huh?> For some reason, the way she said those words made me slightly upset. I tried to move past it.
The alarm was sounded, just a guy with an Essence-enhanced voice. They had had to improvise,
Dale glanced at the furious Dwarf. “You named the wall? You named it ‘Cliff’? Won’t that be confusing with all these cliffs around?” “No! We didn’t want the wall to feel out of place, so we’re letting it think that it is a natural rock formation!”
