Beyond Survival: Strategies and Stories from the Transformative Justice Movement

by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha

Most of us have plenty of examples of how easy it is to say the word “sorry” without meaning it. And we also probably have at least a few examples that reveal how radically different that is from when we say “I’m sorry” and mean it wholeheartedly. Saying sorry can definitely be a starting point for accountability, but it can also be a way to avoid facing consequences. Feeling sorry can mean a lot of different things—and it is another place where unpacking shame can be very relevant to TJ. Feeling bad is not the same as feeling sorry. And feeling bad doesn’t inherently make us more capable of stopping our harmful behavior, nor does it magically provide us with the skills to be able to do something different when presented with a similar scenario. Feeling remorse—the pain of regret for actions we’ve taken that violate our own values—can be an important part of the work of becoming accountable. It usually requires some level of “un-numbing,” or developing our compassion for the experience of the person or people we’ve harmed. Doing sorry means that we are taking specific actions toward repair—even if these occur largely separately from the person we’ve harmed. For example, one person with whom I worked made monthly financial contributions to two women he had abused while in relationships with each of them. Another person eventually was able to ask two members of their broader network of friends to support them in understanding the impact of their violence toward their ex-boyf...