See No Stranger: A Memoir and Manifesto of Revolutionary Love

by Valarie Kaur

I thought about what made Roshan’s apology genuine. First, he was willing to wonder about himself, his psyche, family, and conditioning, and to investigate the reasons he committed harm. Second, he was willing to wonder about me and imagine how I felt when he hurt me and in all the suffering that followed. Third, he admitted what he had done. He was specific and detailed. He took full responsibility for the consequences of his actions, regardless of his intention. Finally, he did the work of reparation. Eve Ensler calls these four elements the alchemy of the apology—a process that can be taught, modeled, and practiced. “The mandate is never on the victim to forgive,” she says. “But the alchemy of the apology can free us.”*