Fleabag: Scriptures

by Phoebe Waller-Bridge

I wouldn’t be such a feminist if I had bigger tits.

FLEABAG You Ok, Father? PRIEST Fuck you, calling me Father, like it doesn’t turn you on just to say it.

HAIRDRESSER If you want to change your life. Change your life. (beat) It’s not going to happen in here.

FLEABAG Water? PRIEST Um. No thanks. I wanna…keep a clear head.

PRIEST Sure. (beat) I can’t be physical with you. FLEABAG We can’t even wrestle?

CLAIRE Well, he’s crazy about me, so… (beat) That’s a nightmare.

GODMOTHER Sorry, but whoever had a miscarriage, could you take it to the kitchen?

I think you know how to love better than any of us. That’s why you find it all so painful.

CLAIRE The only person I’d run through the airport for is you.

Love is awful! It’s awful. It’s painful. It’s frightening, it makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself, distance yourself from other people in your life. Makes you selfish. Makes you creepy. It makes you obsessed with your hair. Makes you cruel. Makes you say and do things you never thought you would do.

FLEABAG (CONT’D) I love you. They sit with the words. Pause. She looks at him. He takes her hand. PRIEST (gently) It’ll pass.

PRIEST I love you too.

One day she woke up with an audience watching her so she did the only thing she could…she put on a show.

work is only as strong as the people in your team and the gin in your tonic.