One to Watch

by Kate Stayman-London

am I an idiot? Am I this pathetic that the second a smart, handsome man shows me attention, no matter how bad he is for me, no matter how deeply I know it, I fall for him anyway?

That whatever had kept her from having a serious relationship for her thirty years on Earth would be laid bare

“You have to call Chris Evans! He has the best ass in America, like, canonically,”

“You’re ridiculous.” Bea laughed. “How would I even get his number?” “Slide into his DMs, then burrow into his heart. It’s like you’re not even a Millennial.” “Great plan, but it’ll have to wait until I get my phone back.”

“I can’t believe you’ve been phoneless for three days already. Do you feel like a pioneer on the Oregon Trail? Do you have typhoid? Have you been eaten by a bear?”

“In this next group”—Johnny lowered his voice dramatically—“every single one of the men…” Is an astronaut? Is a nice, kind, normal dude? Is a time-traveling wizard possessed of the power to make this night be over? “…is named Ben.” “What?”

“You can live a long life never being hurt—and never quite being happy. If that’s what you want.”

“We drove for about an hour,” Bea started, “and without traffic at freeway speeds, that puts us maybe sixty miles from the compound? But it’s much sunnier and hotter than it was when we left, so that would mean we drove inland, and probably south, too, and if you account for—”

“Damn,” Sam whispered, “remind me to take you with me if I ever actually get kidnapped. What are you, a secret agent?”

“Or a superhero whose primary power is having spent half my life in L.A. traffic,”

“I can’t believe you poked me again!” “Too soon?”

“What’s holding you back?” He wasn’t defensive, just genuinely inquisitive.

“I’m afraid.”

“Of making a fool of myself. Or believing in the wrong person. Or getting hurt.”

Like, sure, I’m a cartoonishly handsome French guy seducing you with food, but aren’t you enjoying it? And I’m like, yeah, Luc, you know what? I am enjoying it.

Exactly! Sacrifice your future at the altar of my enjoyment!

their blinding smiles, the way they held hands under the table during dinner, made Bea so heartsick it caused her physical pain.

She wanted that feeling so profoundly, and was nearly equally certain she’d never have it.

maybe that was the point—maybe those guys weren’t like him at all.

back. She wanted so badly to believe that this was possible for her, that she could have a husband and children and easy Sunday gatherings like this one. But everything inside her told her that she couldn’t.

“Moms with sleeping infants are real ninjas that way.”

when she thought of the vicious lie that had been swirling in the recesses of her brain since high school, that she was too fat and too ugly ever to have the kind of love that seemed to come so easily to her family and friends,

when I come here, and I see all of you together—I want this so much. And it just feels impossible. Like you’re all living on this island, this place

where people know how to love each other, and no matter what I do, I can’t figure out how to get there.”

“What happens when you try?” Bob asked gently. Bea shook her head, crying in earnest now. “I drown, Bop. Every single time. I drown.”

“Safer to stay where you are then, isn’t it?” she coaxed. “Even if where you are makes you miserable.”

it’s the hardest thing in the world. To have been that hurt, to feel that afraid, and to know that the only way you can be really, fully happy is to risk going through it all again? It’s a terrifying choice to make. But if you want to let someone be that close to you, it’s the only way.”

The idea of risking their hopes—and mine—seemed indefensible.”

“Now I think the only indefensible action would be to let you go.”

Tim dropped us off at some random gate, said we just had to walk through the cows and the ice cream shop was right there, that he was gonna go park. Then he fucking took off! We had to wade through a literal field of shit. A field. Of. Shit.

We were in the middle of nowhere, with no humans, no directions, no phones— Producer: No cameras. Cooper: Exactly! It took us, what, three hours to find our way back to civilization? Producer: And you smell like cows.

Bea closed her eyes. “If I didn’t think I could really fall in love with you.”

“I hate this,” he said finally. “What do you hate?” “You, with other men.” “You knew the premise of this show when you agreed to be on it, right?” “That doesn’t mean I have to like it,” he sulked.

“I hate that men like Jefferson want to hurt you. Bea, I was so angry down there. But I will never give you a reason to believe him. I want you to meet my family. I want you, period. Stay with me, Bea. Okay? Stay.”

really available,” she said carefully. “Which means, sad as it sounds, that a lot of my romantic life has taken place in my own imagination. Picturing what it would be like if we were together, extrapolating meaning from subtext, from things left unspoken. But then you go and tell me that you love me, and…”

“It’s like, all of a sudden, I’m confronted with what I’ve been missing. Like, do other people actually live this way? They just fall in love, and they tell each other, and they never have to be ashamed, or embarrassed, or certain the other person doesn’t feel the same? And then—if you’re in love with me, and if I could really fall in love with you, does that mean I have to learn how to need you? To depend on you? What happens when you disappear on me like everyone else always has?”

“There’s always the other option,” Sam said pointedly. “The one w...

“Haven’t you noticed?” He leaned in to kiss her. “When I’m with you, I’m not afraid.”

I had no real reason to believe it could actually work out between us, but I just kept holding out hope. Anyway, it’s not like anyone else was beating down my door for a chance to be with me. It’s not like I gave anyone the chance.”