This Won't End Well

by Camille Pagán

I will not give you the satisfaction of knowing the direct impact of this financial impediment on my day-to-day life. However, Bethanne, I must ask you: How do you sleep at night?

optimistic assumptions are the fastest way to become deeply disillusioned by human nature. Best to anticipate the worst and then enjoy the momentary satisfaction of having your predictions pan out.

Come on, Annie. I know you’re strong and smart and you can get through this alone. But why would you want to?

I couldn’t help it, though—something about her made me feel like a child who’d just been instructed not to look directly at the sun. How could such a beautiful thing cause damage, one wonders, even as one’s retinas begin to fry?

I think intelligence is mostly a construct made of curiosity, opportunity, and plain old hard work, sometimes it is the thought that counts.

“Not unhappy is not the same thing as being happy, you know.”

You say “trust me,” but every time I trust someone, it backfires and even more trouble comes flying my way.

As with the end of the world, I’m glad I won’t be there to witness it.

Now, on the one hand, I welcome whomever would like to rob my mother’s house to do so—the treasure is so deeply buried among the trash that I daresay even American Pickers would run screaming in the opposite direction. On the other hand, the idea that I was being watched gave me goose bumps.

Fact: People are the cause of most pain. Fact: I cannot handle any more pain right now.

While I would argue that the best way to stop worrying about wrinkles is to reject societal norms that dictate women should avoid signs of aging at all costs (while men with gray hair and laugh lines are considered sexy—what’s that about?), the fact remains that you’re 27 years old—i.e., a little young for crow’s-feet.

I shouldn’t have kept talking to him, but he looked . . . tremendously unthreatening, to be honest. Now, I’m painfully aware that I’m not in a position to be making judgment calls about other people (see also: my fiancé).

But it could be worse.” “That could be said of every situation until the moment of one’s death. And possibly even after that, though I somehow doubt it.” He chuckled. “Aren’t you a ray of sunshine.”

I knew what I was getting into when I moved in with her, of course, but I clearly had unrealistic expectations about what I would be able to accomplish here. I am Sisyphus, pushing the same pile of bric-a-brac across the floor, day after day after day.

“You overreacted when Simone made a comment about my essential oils.” “Because she made it sound as though I could mind-control my eczema,” I pointed out.

“It’s like you seriously can’t remember that not everyone is as smart as you.” I sighed. “Leesa, I wish you would stop acting like I’m the only person around here with the ability to employ logic and knowledge to examine the wider world. You’re every bit as capable as me.” “See, that’s what I mean!”

It’s curious how the sounds of joy and terror overlap—and come to think of it, pain and pleasure, too.

As it happens, most great minds think independently, and die long before the rest of the world comes around to their brilliance.

“People make mistakes. Sometimes you just need to stay hopeful and give it time.” He said something in Arabic, then added in English, “My mother always says that. It means, ‘What is coming is better than what has gone.’”

I’ve observed that what most people call a worst-case scenario is actually reality, and they just haven’t accepted it yet.”

This is the problem with making a habit of a person: all of the neural pathways he has carved remain long after he’s gone.

There are days, many in fact, when I remain convinced that women cannot win. We ask for equal pay and a seat at the table, and instead we’re handed control-top pantyhose and pink wine with cupcakes on the label.

For the first time, his sunny demeanor made some sense to me. Maybe optimism is the only thing standing between him and giving up on the daily slog of human existence.

“Why don’t you want to draw attention to yourself? Do you think that asking for attention will automatically lead to the wrong kind? Because if so, that’s not true. People make bad choices in spite of what you do—not because of it.”

But maybe time doesn’t so much heal wounds as weaken one’s convictions.

“Haven’t you ever wanted something so badly you were afraid of it?” I stared at him, unsure of what he was trying to say. “Afraid of what?” “Of it not being what you dreamed of. Or worse, being exactly what you dreamed of. Because then what do you have to hope for?”

The price of self-protection may, in fact, be higher than the cost of vulnerability.

The other part of me wants to donate my living body to science to see if some enterprising yet ethically compromised researcher might wipe my memory so I can unlearn what I now know.

“It’s okay. When I close my eyes one last time, I’m counting on us all being together again.” Each word was slow and labored, but she continued. “It’s the only way I know how to keep on living without the people I can’t live without.”

Annie, I love spending time with you. For someone who claims to look on the dark side of things, you make my life a whole lot brighter.

Life is too short to be living the story someone else has told about you.”

“Every silver lining has its cloud.”