More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Thirteen messages from my publicist. Two sobbing voicemails from my mother wondering where she went wrong as a parent. She also sent a text informing me she was visiting her favorite medium today to determine what past-life karma she was being punished for. I was invited to attend the session.
“I do not have time for diarrhea,” I chanted to my digestive system.
I opened the vanity drawer and came up with a curling iron. Not ideal, but if an intruder picked today to tangle with me, they would live to regret that very unlucky choice.
If I had to be murdered in my own home by a naked crazy man, at least he was the embodiment of the perfect male form. It would have been more depressing had my murderer possessed a beer belly and hairy knuckles. Made-for-TV movies about my death would run for years with such a handsome, homicidal villain.
I’ll admit it. A very teeny, female part of me swooned in the recesses of my very busy heart.
“Do you still steal?” A smile flickered across his face. “Only when absolutely necessary,” he said, slipping a hand into his suit jacket. Oh, God. “Is that my father’s…” “Wallet. Yes. It seems he left it behind. Pity.”
“Why did you carry my purse this morning?” I glanced down at her as she slid her sunglasses on. “In addition to being perfectly secure in my manhood—should you need an emergency tampon run, I’m your man—I was making sure the world knows who’s the boss.” She pursed her lips, but they fought back, curving ever so slightly. “Do you ever do anything without an ulterior motive?” “I like to think of it as multi-tasking.”
Jane smirked in the driver seat and then tapped the brakes hard when an elderly man with a walker sauntered into the street from between two parked cars. “You don’t have much time left! Stay on the sidewalk,” Jane yelled through the open window.
There were some members of the human race who made it their duty to tear others down, tried to destroy them. And then there were the Emily Stantons of the world. Ones who cared and fixed and tried to make things better. Was that sweat stinging my eyes? I glanced around. It appeared that everyone had sweaty eyes. Or allergies.
“I’m going to cross a professional line here,” he warned me. “It’s your fault because that in there was like witnessing a miracle.” “Cross a professional line? You?” I scoffed, more nervous than I cared to admit. I’d handled unwanted advances with a frosty efficiency before. But this felt… different. “Are you breaking into my house and taking a bath again?” “No. I’m going to kiss you right here in this science closet.” “It’s a storage room, not a science closet. And no. You’re not,” I said, hands flying to his chest. There went my frosty efficiency. “Afraid I am. And I’d apologize, but we both
...more
Derek’s body pressed against mine was the only sensation I had to concern myself with. Sorry, Mom. I’m too busy being seduced to worry about image and reputation.
She decked me in the jaw, threw a body shot, and dropped to the mat to sweep my legs out from under me. I went down like the big, dumb asshole I was. She rolled, sliding her body over and around mine. My flight or fight system couldn’t decide whether to be incredibly turned on or terrified.
The woman was a manipulative liar, and I was already half in love with her.
After brushing off their thinly veiled interrogations for two weeks straight, I’d seen this coming. I was not about to confess that I’d kissed the man mere hours after meeting him. Nor would I mention our fight in the ring that ended with me nearly orgasming from a handful of dry humped thrusts. There were some dark, dirty fantasies that should remain private.
Daisy laughed and slapped the pool tile with her ringed hand. “I would have but he was very clear on the ‘no personal relationships with clients’ thing. He missed out on all this.” She gestured at her breasts. Against my will, I perked up. So he didn’t turn on the charm and pheromones with every client? Was I special? For the love of strong women everywhere, pull yourself together, I told myself.
In a fit of lunacy, the four of us had made ourselves property managers of Bluewater. We could have hired an outside company. We should have hired an outside company. But that would be giving up control. We’ll have a say over everything, we thought. It’ll be great, we thought. Turns out, we were stupid.
“You’re not serious.” “I most certainly am. Be nice to me or I’ll feed you to him.” I would definitely require a photo of Emily feeding her pet alligator, I decided.
“She doesn’t let many people close enough for canoodling. The fact that she didn’t kick you in the balls proves that there’s interest there.” “Does it now?” She shot me a bland look. “Don’t act like you’re not salivating over her.” “She’s a fascinating woman,” I admitted. “Said the man fighting boners all day every day.” “Does Bluewater have an HR department?” I mused. “Ha.”
“And, like your tips on wooing Emily, I assume you aren’t going to share your suspicions with me?” “You’re a smart guy, Tea and Crumpets. You’ll figure it out.” “And if I don’t?” “You better or you’ll really piss me off.” “I assume a stun gun will be involved.”
“Why do you keep taking your clothes off in my house?” “You’re just so welcoming, Emily. Such a lovely hostess. I feel so comfortable here.”
“Are you purposely tensing your ass cheeks right now?” she demanded. “Oh, you noticed? Perhaps you’re not dead on the inside after all.”
“What do you want from me?” I asked. “Name it.” A slow, devious smile transformed her face. “Fine. I want fifty percent of Alpha Group. You save my company or lose half of yours.”
“And you’re volunteering to be my date because?” “I thought I’d made it abundantly clear that I plan to make love to you? Remind me to up my game.”
“Rest up. I’m sure she’ll be a nightmare to deal with tomorrow.” “Copy that.” “You both are fired,” Emily said. “Be a good girl for the nice man,” Jane told her. “Good luck, Tea and Crumpets.”
“Fine. But we’re not having sex,” she insisted. “Right now, I’m more inclined to strangle you than have sex with you.”
“Digging the reading glasses,” Cam said approvingly. “Right? It gives him this nerdy sex god vibe, doesn’t it?” Emily yawned. I ignored them.
It was hard to be angry when a man who looked like Derek was feeding me breakfast outside on a perfect Miami spring morning. But I’d still give it my best shot.
I chewed in silence and stared at him. Obviously, the man had a point. Perhaps even a marginally valid one.
I squinted out at the turquoise waters of the bay and sighed. “You are exceptional at pushing my buttons,” I mused. He preened. “That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said about me.” I snickered and sipped my coffee. I could hear Cristoff destroying my kitchen. The man cooked to Metallica and threatened anyone who interrupted him with physical violence. Jane was half in love with him.
I wanted to stab him with my fork, but I didn’t want to ruin my eggs with blood splatter. I had priorities, after all.
“Dammit,” I whispered. The naked man in my shower had gotten to me… again.
“Hey, buddy,” I said, ruffling the fur on Brutus’s giant head. “Did you make a new friend?” “He stuck his very cold nose against my very unprepared ass,” Derek complained. I smushed the dog’s face in my hands. “Did you scare the bossy man, Brutus? Did you? That’s such a good boy!”
Luna: Are you alright? Do you need an appointment with my aromatherapist? Cam: Relax guys. Mr. Naked Dreamy took good care of her. And if my trusty surveillance skills are accurate, his car is still in her driveway. Daisy: Ooooooooooh! Dick pics or it didn’t happen! Luna: Sending you my aromatherapist’s contact and a 30-pack of organic, latex-free condoms.
She bared her teeth in what might have passed for a smile. If the individual were stupid. And inebriated. Or face blind.
“You’ll see the spike in media mentions here the night of the kerfuffle. It’s stayed consistently high since. The smiley face line denotes our measurement of public positivity—likes, nice comments, wardrobe items selling out, etc. The barfing face line represents the trolls, the baddies, the ‘how dare you be a human’ judgies.” Every time the vomiting-faced negative line redrew itself, a fart noise sounded. I was the only team member over the age of thirty, and sometimes they made me feel like I was over seventy.
It wasn’t flowers or a love note but diarrheal medicine that made my heart do a slow, inevitable flip-flop in my chest. God help me. God help us both. I cleared my throat, surprised at the emotion clogging it. “I’ll give it fifteen minutes. What’s our signal?” “It should be something subtle like, ‘Derek, I need your throbbing cock in my womb right now,’” he said, smoothly shifting gears and accelerating around a graffitied school bus that was riding the rumble strips in the bike lane. “My family will understand.”
“My company hired his firm, and we’ve been spending time together,” I said evasively. The women sat like statues, sphinxes waiting me out. I smiled benignly and sipped my wine. Silence reigned for a full minute. “She’s not cracking,” Tanya stage-whispered out the side of her mouth. “Stare harder,” Verita whispered back. “She’s good,” Liz observed. “Scary good.”
“Antidiarrheals and men’s underwear,” she mused. “You give the most interesting gifts, Price.” “You can buy yourself all the baby-fist-sized diamond pendants in the world, love. I’m wooing you by showing I have your every need covered,”
“Dammit, now I’m wasting a Derek-free morning analyzing my relationship with him instead of getting actual work done,” I complained “You’re banging a sex god, and your hair is perfection. I feel zero sympathy for you,” she said.
We shook hands. My hair slipped over my eye, and I brushed it back. Badass hair. I had a badass haircut because I was a badass. The words flitted through my brain like a fork of lightning. I was a badass.
He rose and came around his desk. I held up a warning finger. “Keep your distance because I’m mad enough to violate your face,” I warned him. “It’s true,” Jane said from the door. “The boss has been itching to violate someone’s face for years. Be a shame if it was your pretty one.”
“You can’t be serious, Derek. We had sex. We didn’t pledge our undying love to each other!” I felt the licks of panic in my intestinal region. “You know I don’t have time.” “That’s not an ‘I don’t like you because you’re a hideous beast who makes me want to vomit,’” he pointed out.
I sighed out a breath. “I’ll forgive you on one condition.” “Anything. Name it.” “I want burgers for dinner.” “I will get you burgers for dinner,” he promised. “Are you all right?” Was I? I did a scan. Mentally: Steeled. Physically: Hungry. Emotionally: A little rocky. “I’m fine,” I decided. “Good. Then let’s take our journalist friend out for lunch.” “May I use your bathroom first?”
“What do you see your duty as a business leader when it comes to setting an example for young girls?” Lona asked. Her digital recorder was pointed in Emily’s direction like a gun. “Do you ask your male CEO interviewees that question?” Emily shot back. I should have ordered tequila.
I sat back in my chair, certain that I’d missed a vital piece of the conversation. I flagged down a member of the waitstaff. “Yes, I’d like to order three tequilas please.” Emily’s eyebrows shot up. “Did you learn nothing from last time?” I held up my hands. “I’m not sure what just happened, but I feel like it requires tequila.”
“Photo shoot?” Emily repeated. Her heel dug into the Italian leather of my loafer. My shoe guy was going to have a hell of a time buffing that out. I sat still and took my medicine.
I cleared my throat. “There was a slight miscommunication with Emily’s calendar,” I said. “Which is why, after this lovely lunch is over, you’ll both be joining me for five hours of rescheduled meetings and conference calls,” Emily said pleasantly. My punishment for dropping the ball: Spending more time with Emily. I found it completely acceptable.
Dad: Guys, have some chill will you? So Mr. Bachelor is all heart eyes over a beautiful genius with truly excellent taste in cars. Big deal. This happens all the time. Mom: Michael! I told you sarcasm doesn’t translate in text!
Liz: I vote we start picking out engagement rings and texting them to Derek. #helpful Mom: What do you all think of this one? The emerald cut is very dignified. Will: Mom, that’s a clown GIF. Mom: What’s a GIF? Dad: Jesus H. Christ! You know I hate clowns! Me: I’m disowning all of you. Mom: Fine. But we’ve taking a family vote and we’re keeping Emily. Berto: And her Porsche. Dad: Good luck, Orphan Derek.
“I like my burgers medium rare, not meteorite.”
